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The UK’s quarterly almanac | Last to breaking news

                                            Oct Nov Dec 2010




'Freedom of the Press' by Shepard Fairey
WHAT’S THE
BIG IDEA?
Print is not dead.
For all the wily charms
of the digital world
with its tweets, feeds,
blogs and apps, there
is still nothing like
the pleasure created
by ink on paper.
T
       he server farms and all their delights cannot replace time
       spent in the company of something you can actually hold,
       whose pages you can turn down and whose spine you can
       crack. We believe in magazines which engross, inspire and
induce guffaws at the end of a long week. We have no interest in
creating throwaway media – we want to make something which
is treasured, which ends its days making the bookshelf, coffee
table or toilet just that little bit prettier and more civilised.
And we believe that everyone needs a screen break.
Perspective, too, is not dead. Kneejerk punditry, live-blogging
and the pounding waves of the 24-hour news cycle have their
appeal. But there’s also joy in getting your head above the water,
sucking in a lungful of clear air and taking your bearings.
This is our starting point. With our belief in print and perspective
we bring you                            , a quarterly almanac that
looks as good as it feels as good as it reads. A handsome devil
that curates the news and captures the times, written by smart
minds armed with three months’ worth of hindsight, and without
the albatross of an hourly deadline around their necks.
As the weeks and months zip by, we will be keeping track,
picking out the patterns, and seeing what is left after the dust
has settled. We will strip out the white noise and give you the
intelligent, witty essentials, telling the story of the UK and
the world over the last quarter.
This publication, then, is our flag in the sand – a magazine of
record from editors determined to swim against the electronic tide.
We don’t think we’re alone.
Oct
t
        1s



                                                                    BORN
   i
 Fr             d
              2n
         t
       Sa
                    3rd




                                                          {
           n
         Su
                          4th
                n
              Mo
                            5th
                      e
                    Tu
                                 6th                         AR smart specs, ocular technology
                        d
                      We                               Biodegradable chocolate wrappers, packaging
                                      7th                          Black squirrels, rodent
                           Thu                              Curaçao and St Maarten, countries
                                        8th                   The Endobarrier, health product
                                Fri
                                                                 Eye secrets, beauty product
                                            9th         Frontal enhancement pants, intimate clothing
                                  Sat
                                                                        i, newspaper
                                       10th                         Laptop thigh, ailment
                                   Sun
                                                                     Malt salt, foodstuff
                                          11th
                                      Mon                          Pot Noëldles, foodstuff
                                                              Robot soldiers, military hardware
                                             2th
                                        Tue 1              The sexomnia defence, legal strategy
                                                            Test tube livers, biomedical product
                                        Wed 13th                  Tianhe-I, super computer
                                                             The Tipsy Gene, scientific discovery
                                        Thu 14th                   Wonka gum, confection




                                                        {
                                            Fri 15th

                                            Sat 16th




                                       Wed 2

                                      Thu
                                            Sun 17th

                                        Mon 18th

                                        Tue 19th

                                            0th

                                          21st
                                                          {             Ari Up, singer
                                                                  Bob Guccione, publisher
                                                                    Chimp Charlie, primate
                                                           Claire Rayner, campaigner and journalist
                                                                 The Exmoor Emperor, stag
                                                               The GAP’s new logo, branding
                                                                    Gregory Isaacs, singer
                                   Fri                              Grey squirrels, rodent
                                       22nd
                                                        The Horserace Totalisator Board, bookmaker
                            Sat                                    Joan Sutherland, singer
                                  23rd
                                                                     Limewire, software
                          Sun
                                24th                         Malcolm Allison, football manager
                      Mo                                             Multikulti, concept
                           n 2
                               5th                           The Netherlands Antilles, country
                    Tu                                             Norman Wisdom, actor
                       e
                           26t                                 Paul the Octopus, cephalopod
                              h
                 We
                    d                                            The PG Tips chimp, primate
                        27t
             Th            h                                          Tom Bosley, actor
                u                                            The Vice Squad, police department
                    28t
        Fr             h                                      The Walkman, electronic product
            i
                                                        {
                1sh
                29
                  tt
    Sa
      t
Su         30
              th
  n



                                                                      DIED
     31
        st
Oct                                     “It’s only 2,000 years too late…”
Fri 1st                                    Fri 1st
                                                     Controversy has been caused by the Charity Commission’s
                                                     granting of charitable status to the Druid Network – one of
The Equality Act comes into force
across England, Wales and Scotland.
                                           numerous British druid organisations – and its recognition of druidry
The Daily Mail declares it "The End        as a religion. We canvass the opinion of King Arthur Pendragon,
of the Office Joke."                       a senior druid, Stonehenge resident and – according to him – a
                                           reincarnation of the original King Arthur.
Manchester City announces losses of
£121 million for the year running to                                                          Council of British Druid Orders has no
May 31 2010.m Oct 15th                                                                        intention of being recognised as a charity. 

Druidry is recognised as a religion by                                                        Has the ruling given druidry greater
The Charity Commission.g                                                                      legitimacy in the eyes of the public? 
                                                                                              It’s always good to have approval but we
Latest Ministry of Justice figures                                                            didn’t need it. We have our belief structure
show the UK’s prison population has                                                           and we carry on regardless. The reality is
hit an all-time high of 85,495.                                                               our religious belief structure already had
                                                                                              legitimacy – it’s the pre-Christian religion
Chevron are given the green light to                                                          of these isles
start deepwater drilling off the UK        King Arthur Pendragon
coast: their ‘Lagavulin Prospect’ will                                                        Were the Druid Network more interested
open 160 miles north of the                What does the Charity Commission                   in recognition or tax breaks?
Shetland Isles.                            ruling mean to you?                                I really don’t know, to be honest. For most
                                           It’s good to see the Commission recognising        druids in Britain it [the ruling] won’t make one
Tens of thousands of copies of             druidry as a religion – it’s only 2,000 years      iota of difference. It just means the media will
Jonathan Franzen’s new book,               too late. But the ruling was about giving a        take us a little more seriously. At the end of the
‘Freedom’ are recalled for pulping         specific order, the Druid Network, charitable      day, it’s just nature worship. None of the
after it is discovered that the British    status. My order hasn’t applied for that status.   authorities or other religions have any reason
printers sent the wrong draft of the                                                          to fear paganism at all.
book to press.g                            How do your aims differ from the Druid
                                           Network’s?                                         Are you playing a role in preserving
Ex-President Pervez Musharraf              We’re the warrior arm of the druids, the           British heritage? Is there an argument
launches his new party, The All            political activists. And I also represent the      that you should receive funding?
Pakistan Muslim League, from the           Council of British Druid Orders which is 21        Yes, but that would be down not to the
National Liberal Club in Whitehall.        different orders including my own. We all          Commission, but perhaps the Arts Council or
                                           celebrate the same religion. I don’t want my       another body. We’re keeping alive ancient
Burglar Jason Williams is sentenced        order being recognised as a charity and the        British traditions – that’s got to be good.
to two years and five months in jail
for stealing items including a pair of


                                          Extra pulp
net curtains from the house next
door – and then putting the curtains                                        Three books that preceded
                                                                                                                                    Fri 1st
up in his own window, where they                                            'Freedom' from shelf to sludge
were duly spotted by his neighbours.

The Times reports that Zimbabwean         The Charles I Bible, 1631
medium Nomatter Tagarira has              A regal print run was recalled and torn up after a misprint left the 7th
been jailed for convincing govern-        commandment declaring ‘Thou shalt commit adultery’ – much to the
ment officials that she was able to       dismay of King Charles I. The 11 known surviving ‘wicked Bibles’
produce pure diesel oil from a rock,      are valued at £50,000.
and receiving £1.7 million in cash to
develop the industry.                     Operation Dark Heart: Spycraft and Special Ops
                                          on the Frontlines of Afghanistan, 2010
Sat 2nd                                   One of the US military’s more unusual search and destroy
                                          missions saw them paying publisher Macmillan $47,000
IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn          (£30,000) to destroy the entire first run of Lt Col Anthony
urges major economies to strive to        Shaffer’s Afghanistan memoirs in September. The
avoid a currency war. g                   Pentagon claimed the book published classified
                                          intelligence: a new, censored version was released later.
The 10:10 campaign pulls an advert
by Richard Curtis featuring Gillian       The Pasta Bible, 2010
Anderson, David Ginola, office            Earlier this year Penguin Publishing’s ‘Pasta Bible’ faced
workers and schoolchildren being          the grinders after having listed "salt and freshly ground
blown up for refusing to cut their        black people" in its Lecter-esque recipe for spelt tagliatelle
carbon emissions.                         with sardines and prosciutto.
How to start a currency war
 Sat 2nd
               Feeling in the mood to send international tensions skyrocketing and throw the
               money markets into turmoil? Allow us to point you in the right direction.




1. Identify a competitor       2. Start buying large                3. Watch as their currency      4. Sales of your nation's
nation in whose markets you    quantities of their currency         becomes stronger against your   products should now increase.
wish to stimulate demand for   on the international markets.        own currency, thereby making
your products.                 Stockpile it.                        your products more affordable
                                                                    in their market.




5. Buy more of your            6. Watch your sales increase         7. Your competitor should       8. Your competitor may
competitor’s currency.         still further, while sales of your   now be angry.                   demand that you re-value
Stockpile it.                  competitor’s products in your                                        your currency in the interests
                               own country decrease.                                                of free trade. They may hint at
                                                                                                    tariffs and sanctions should
                                                                                                    you refuse.




9. Refuse.                     10. Your competitor may now          11. Respond by buying and       12. Repeat this process until
                               start to print money, to flood       stockpiling more of your        the global economy breaks
                               the market and bring down the        competitor’s currency.          down or you are reprimanded
                               value of his currency.               Your competitor may now         by the G20.
                                                                    redouble his money printing.
pm
      Sun 3rd Oct 2010

The moment that mattered
by Colin Montgomerie
        “There were two decisive moments of the Ryder Cup – both on the Sunday. The first was
        Lee Westwood’s putt on the 10th hole playing with Luke Donald against Tiger Woods and Steve
        Stricker. He made that putt to go five up. I think it hurt the USA Team seeing Woods five down
        and Lee and Luke eventually won that match six and five.
          But the key moment was on the 18th green when the Molinari brothers made a birdie for
        a half to take the overall score to nine and a half to six and a half as opposed to nine to seven.
        That putt on the 18th really swung the match in our favour.
          I was actually praying it was Edoardo Molinari to take the putt as he is the better putter, but it was
        Francesco’s turn. I was inside the ropes at the back of the 18th to see the Molinaris get their half
        point. I spoke to them straight afterwards and they were delighted. I don’t know if he knew how
        important that putt was going into the singles the next day but I certainly did.”
Oct
Sun 3rd

Germany makes a final payment of
£59.5 million in war reparations from
WWI.

A tube strike called by RMT under
Bob Crow brings London to a
standstill for 24 hours.

Europe edges ahead of the US in the
Ryder Cup.f

                 Commonweath
                 Games boss Suresh
                 Kalmadi opens the
                 event to boos at
                 Delhi's Jawaharlal
                 Nehru stadium.

The Guardian reports on a new
exhibition which suggests that
Hitler promised Von Ribbentrop
Cornwall as a gift after the Nazi
conquest of Britain.

     Born: Malt Salt, a powdery new
     condiment which combines the
flavours of salt and vinegar,
potentially bringing an end to soggy
fish and chips.

Mon 4th

Just after midnight, a bomb goes off
at a Derry branch of the Ulster Bank.
No-one is hurt.

                 In a speech at the
                 Conservative
                 conference, George
                 Osborne announces
                 that as of 2013 child
                 benefit will no longer
be paid to families in which one adult
earns over £44,000. m Oct 6th

The Nobel Prize in Medicine is
awarded to Professor Robert G.
Edwards for his work in developing
in vitro fertilisation.

Actor Tony Curtis is buried with a
series of possessions including his
iPhone, driving gloves, Stetson,
Armani scarf and Anthony Adverse,
his favourite book.

Europe wins the Ryder Cup by 14.5
points to 13.5.

Actor Norman Wisdom dies in a
nursing home on the Isle of Man, at
the age of 95.m
Pitkin behind the Iron Curtain
  James Montague on how pratfalling comic Norman Wisdom became a
    talisman for the oppressed masses of Communist Eastern Europe...

                                                  Mon 4th




I
     t was an unusually busy October for His Excellency    do no damage,” Mazi recalls. “They were not films that
     Zef Mazi. Rarely does the Albanian ambassador to      could contribute to bringing down the system. Rather
     the UK have to deal with scores of urgent requests    they would amuse people. Then the regime could say:
     from the media. But when the news came through        ‘OK, we are even showing Western films here.’”
     that Sir Norman Wisdom had died, his office went         Whilst the Communist Party saw Wisdom’s films as
into overdrive.                                            a fig leaf for its repression of foreign artistic influences,
   Telegrams detailing the grief of the Albanian people    the Albanian people immediately connected with
had to be sent and TV interviews from the likes of BBC     Pitkin’s struggles against seemingly unbeatable foes.
News had to be accommodated. Even the Albanian             “The Albanian people have a very good sense of hu-
president was called into action, with a personal state-   mour, very similar to the British, and we immediately
ment published on the embassy’s website next to a pic-     got the message from the films of Norman Wisdom,”
ture of him embracing a frail-looking Wisdom.              says Mazi. “Pitkin’s role playing tricks on policemen,
   In his home country, Wisdom was affectionately seen     and on his boss Mr Grimsdale and so on. And getting
as a lovable fool – the rubber-faced funnyman who          away with it! People liked this because it was how they
made post-war Britain laugh by falling down graceful-      cheated their own system. There was a joke we had
ly, an anachronism from the faded music hall past.         back then [about the Communist Party] that summed
Even his most famous epitaph, that he was Charlie          it up: ‘You pretend to pay us and we pretend to work.’”
Chaplin’s favourite clown, was delivered as if it were a      The official imprimatur on Wisdom’s films saw him
back-handed compliment.                                    become one of the country’s most popular stars,
   Yet those who grew up on the Soviet side of the Iron    embraced by even highbrow critics. Rudolf Marku is
Curtain during the Cold War have a very different view     one of Albania’s greatest living poets and a former
of Wisdom and his downtrodden alter ego Pitkin. From       editor of the the officially sanctioned culture newspaper
Moscow to Zagreb, he was one of the few Western film       Drita (“Light”). “One of my books had been banned for
stars allowed to be seen by the public. This virtual       ‘ideological errors’ and I was sent to the countryside for
monopoly saw him revered as the most unlikely of class     re-education,” he explains. “I don’t know if you’ve seen
warriors, an allegorical everyman who used humour          the film ‘Cinema Paradiso’, but this was a small town
and humanity to pull off small but unlikely victories      with the cinema at its centre. In the cinema you could
over the petty impositions of those in authority. And      see for the first time the world outside the walls.”
nowhere did Wisdom’s films strike more of a chord than        It was here that he saw a Wisdom film for the first
in Albania, Europe’s most isolated and ideologically       time. “Such beautiful films, and he was immediately
pure Communist dictatorship, run by the hard-line,         attached to the viewers. Why? Norman had the human
paranoid Enver Hoxha.                                      touch and was always on the side of the vulnerable
   “We had the typical life of a country that was under    people. He tried to make fun out of those in power. The
Communist rule… and over time things got a                          government showed the films but the common
lot harder,” explains Ambassador Mazi.                                   people saw the code: he was one of them,
“Lack of freedom of movement and                                             against the directors, the police. In
expression, no human rights. People                                            translation, for the common people, it
would risk their lives for expressing        “The                                was to be against the government.”
the concerns of the market. People
went to jail for eight years for
                                          common                                    When Enver Hoxha died in 1985,
                                                                                  sparking the beginning of the end
saying: ‘How come we can’t have          people saw                                of the regime, Wisdom’s populari-
olive oil?’”
   But for the isolationist Albani-    the code: Pitkin                            ty endured. On his first visit to
                                                                                   Albania in 1995 he was mobbed
an government, who viewed even
China as being too politically
                                       was one of them,                            everywhere he went. In 2001 when
                                                                                   he returned and made an
liberal, there was one major threat      against the                              appearance with David Beckham at
to their rule: foreign TV networks.
Albania is sandwiched between Italy       directors”                             a football match between Albania
                                                                                and England, it was perhaps the first
and Greece, and the Communist Party                                           and last time Beckham was overshad-
was constantly battling a public who used                                 owed at a public appearance.
hidden TV aerials to find out what was going                               Whilst in the UK Wisdom’s death was met
on in the outside world. By the 1970s the regime               with the usual glib obituaries proffered to the elder
officially blocked all outside signals, sanctioning the    statesmen of entertainment, in Albania his passing
broadcast of only those foreign films that posed no        was met with sadness across the country. “People
political threat. When the censors came across Norman      really loved him as a human being, an actor, a
Wisdom, he appeared to tick all the right boxes.           comedian who touched a chord in those difficult times,”
   “Norman Wisdom’s films were shown because it was        says Mazi. “He gave our people a reason to laugh at a
decided they were typical English humour that could        time in our history when it wasn’t very easy to laugh.”
Oct
Conference Season digested                                                                                                                                                                   Oct
                 As the Tory conference ends we boil down 14 days' worth of political
Wed 6th                                                                                                                                                               Tue 5th
                 grandstanding, intrigue and backbiting from three parties to the bare essentials.
                                                                                                                                                                      1am – Hastings Pier is consumed
                                                                                                                                                                      by fire.
      Conservatives                                 Labour                                         Liberal Democrats
                                                                                                                                                                      Hungary declares a state of
Celebration, big society and CSR:             Dealing with the fallout:                      The view from within:                                                    emergency as a tide of poisonous red
Self-congratulation about being back          Fresh from being appointed leader, Ed          Nick Clegg tells the conference to ‘stick                                sludge from an alumina plant pours
in power, the formation of the Coalition      Miliband says New Labour is now being          with us’ and to take ownership of                                        through three western counties,
and its achievements, plus lots of New        run by The New Generation. There are           decisions made by the Coalition. Despite                                 inflicting chemical burns and killing
Labour-bashing. There’s also a focus on       apparently no age limits to this genera-       falling ratings and rumblings from some

                                                                                                                                         THEMES
                                                                                                                                                                      three people on the way.
deficit reduction and changes to the          tion: Ken Livingstone claims to be a           delegates about the loss of Lib Dem
welfare state, and attempts to capture the    proud member, as does 77-year-old              identity, the party is generally positive
meaning of the ‘Big Society’.                 conference attendee Doreen.                    about being in government.                                               The Real IRA claim responsibility for
                                                                                                                                                                      the Ulster Bank Bomb and are
                                                                                                                                                                      condemned by Martin McGuinness as
                   David Cameron                                Ed Miliband’s speech                           Nick Clegg highlights                                  ‘conflict junkies’.
                   defends the formation of                     is generally credited with                     the Freedom Bill, the
                   the Coalition, lists its                     putting some sheen on                          end of ID cards, the                                   Former Société Générale trader
                   achievements to date                         an otherwise downbeat                          new bank levy and the                                  Jérome Kerviel is found guilty of
                   and attacks the                              conference. It starts                          AV referendum as                                       fraud, committed to three years in
                   ‘complete mess’ of                           with a story about his                         reasons for the                                        prison and told to repay £4.25 billion
Labour's defence budget as well as the        father and grandfather’s flight from the       conference to be proud of the Lib Dem                                    to the bank.
size of government debt repayments.           Nazis and Ed’s consequent love for the         role in the Coalition. He ducks
He talks about local projects like NHS        UK then lists successes and failures of        addressing tuition fees or Trident, both                                 In his conference speech, Justice
nurses co-ops, residents’ street patrols in   the last government. He claims that the        big conference topics. The only policy                                   Secretary Ken Clarke suggests that
Balsall Heath and plans for a ‘Citizen        Iraq war was wrong but says it is not          announcement is a relatively minor one on                                prisoners should work for 40 hours a
University’. He thanks a six-year-old girl    possible to blame anyone who took the          tax increment financing. Nevertheless, he                                week. f
who sent him her tooth money to help pay      decision to start it. His biggest applause     enjoys a three minute standing ovation.
                                                                                                                                         LEADERS’ SPEECHES




off the deficit. He defines Big Society as    comes when he lists ‘some of the                                                                                                         According to a BBC
‘government helping to build a nation         names I’ve been called’* and tells             Key quote:
                                                                                                                                                                                       report, hundreds of
of doers and go-getters.’                     people to ‘come off it’
                                                                                         ‘We’ve always been the face                                                                   grey squirrels are
Key quote:                                    Key quote:                                 of change, now we are the agents                                                              being wiped out by
                                                                                                                                                                                       black squirrels
‘We are the radicals now.’                    ‘Let’s be honest, politics isn’t working.’ of change.’                                                                                   brought in from
                                                                                                                                                                      North America.

The International Citizen Service is          Not many concrete policies: this is more                        The launch of the Yes                                        Born: Laptop Thigh, also known
introduced. Simon Schama is to consult        of a regrouping conference and                                  campaign for the AV                                          as ‘erythema ab igne’ a rash-like
on the review of history-teaching in the      speeches tend to be very broad brush.                           referendum, motions                                     condition identified by the Pediatrics
National Curriculum. George Osborne           Ed Miliband promises to tackle immigra-                         carried on marriage for                                 journal and affecting people who work
announces the introduction of a cap on        tion worries, to oppose irresponsible                           gay couples and civil                                   with laptops balanced on their legs.
benefits. Headteachers are to be allowed      strikes and to limit David Cameron’s time                       partnerships for
to discipline students who behave badly       in office to one term. He also criticises      mixed-sex partners and Vince Cable                                       Five suspected German militants are
outside of school. Iain Duncan Smith          supermarkets that sell cheap alcohol.          announces that a minimum of 10 per cent                                  killed by a drone attack in Pakistan.
sketches out his ‘welfare contract’.          Andy Burnham underlines the importance         of Royal Mail shares will be available to
Kenneth Clarke intends to make                of opposing the reorganisation of the          employees on privatisation. A diluted                                    The first reprocessed methane gas
prisoners work for 40 hours per week.         NHS while shadow culture secretary Ben         motion to increase the number of Lib                                     from sewage is delivered to homes in
Eric Pickles recommends mayoral               Bradshaw calls on the coalition to ban         Dem candidates from ethnic minorities
                                                                                                                                         MAJOR POLICY ANNOUNCEMENTS




                                                                                                                                                                      Didcot by Centrica.
Home Rule for big cities.                     Rupert Murdoch from buying out BSkyB.          is also passed.
George Osborne’s announcement of               It's all about the Miliband brothers.             Miriam González Durántez, aka Mrs                             Wed 6th
a change in child benefit is criticised        David's wife Louise Shackleton fails to           Clegg, claims not to know who Cherie
by groups including the Child Poverty          disguise her upset at David's loss of the         Blair is after being compared to her
Action Group and the Institute for             leadership election, allegedly crying             during an interview with The Times. MP                        France raises its threat level warning
Fiscal Studies, which publishes an             backstage before his speech. David                Mike Hancock sends an open letter to                          for citizens travelling to the UK.
analysis claiming it will ‘seriously distort   refuses to clap during Ed’s speech when           Nick Clegg, urging him to avoid
incentives for some families with              he claims the invasion of Iraq was ‘wrong’        ‘dictatorship of the party by 20 Lib Dem                      The Conservative conference comes
children’. Tory party officials allegedly      and is caught on camera asking Harriet            ministers’ and suggesting that he should                      to an end in Birmingham.f
ban ministers from being seen                  Harman – who voted for the war – why              try living on benefits, if he thinks it is
drinking champagne, although                   she is applauding. There is unrest                easy. YouGov release a poll of Liberal                        Cheryl Cole receives a ‘Death threat’
Work and Pensions Minister Chris               brewing about Ed’s election in the first          Democrats which shows David Cameron                           from a new Facebook group entitled




                                                                                                                                                   DRAMAS
Grayling is photographed sipping               couple of days of the conference and              has a higher approval rating than Simon                       'cheryl cole to die a painful death for
something suspiciously bubbly.                 Decca Aitkenhead (The Guardian) reports           Hughes. The Conference passes a                               being a T**t and blasted into space'.
David Cameron sits in the audience             Neil Kinnock vowing of dissenters that            motion to boycott the establishment of
during speeches rather than on the             ‘we’ll track the bastards down and                free schools – despite the fact that the                      52-year-old Chimp Charlie, famous
platform, telling ITV ‘Let the leader go       we’ll stamp on them’. Lord Sainsbury,             Coalition is committed to the policy and                      for being a heavy smoker, dies in
and sit in the audience with everybody         one of the biggest donors to the party,           Lib Dem MPs have already voted in                             Mangaung Zoo in Bloemfontein,
else, instead of trying to hog the             decides not to come to the conference             Parliament to let such measures go                            South Africa.
limelight… I want people to get                after Ed’s victory, citing ‘stuff to do’ as the   ahead. Charles Kennedy pulls out of a
to know the team, and not just the             reason. Ed Miliband dismisses the chief           rally, claiming problems with his train and
                                                                                                                                                               Thu 7th
team captain.’                                 whip, Nick Brown.                                 later leaves the conference
                                                                                                                                                               In Bristol, chef Faye Pounder loses
                                                                                                                                                               all her possessions while moving out
‘They left us a legacy of spinning,                              ‘The thinking woman’s           ‘Never in the field of political memoirs,                     from her flat when her flatmate
smearing, briefing, back-biting,                                 oatcake.’                       has so much been written by so few about                      accidentally loads them into the
half-truths and cover-ups, patronising,                          Harriet Harman on               so little.’                                                   wrong car, which then drives off.
old-fashioned, top-down, wasteful,                               Jack Straw. It’s not clear      Nick Clegg on New Labour diaries.
                                                                 whether it is a dig or an                                                                     BP sifts through hundreds of
centralising, inefficient, ineffective,                          attempt at praise.              ‘What is it like being in bed with the                        wrongful American claims for
unaccountable politics, 10p tax and                                                                                                                            compensation from the Gulf of
90 days detention, an election bottled         ‘He’s Gromit... The very cool dog who flies       Tories? First, it’s exhausting; it’s exhausting               Mexico oil spill, including some from
                                               to the moon and beats the penguin.’               because you have to fight to keep                             landlocked states.
and a referendum denied, gold sold at                                                            the duvet’.
                                               Eddie Izzard denies that Ed looks
half price and council tax doubled, bad        like Wallace.                                     Vince Cable on the Coalition.
                                                                                                                                                               Scientists working in Papua New
                                                                                                                                                               Guinea’s Southern Highlands and
                                                                                                                                                   IN QUOTES




news buried and Mandelson resurrected,
pension funds destroyed and foreign            ‘If you really want to strike a blow              ‘Spivs and gamblers who did more harm to                      New Britain Island announce the
                                                                                                                                                               discovery of 200 new species.i
prisoners not deported, Gurkhas kept out       against the surveillance state you should         the British economy than Bob Crow could
and extremist preachers allowed in.’           sack Andy Coulson.’                               achieve in his wildest Trotskyite fantasies.’                 It is reported that Cyril Howarth of
David Cameron on Labour.                       Alan Johnson to David Cameron.                    Vince Cable on bankers.                                       Chorley has built a working replica
                                                                                                                                                               of a U-Boat, using it to patrol the
                 ‘I don’t want to violate                                                   ‘The only Cabinet minister you can                                 Leeds-Liverpool canal. He faces
                                              It’s real political hokey cokey.’                                                                                inspection by British Waterways.
                 the entente cordiale but it Alastair Darling on Vince Cable in             spot on Google Earth.’
                 seems to me that there government.                                         Nick Clegg on Eric Pickles.                                        English swimmers Fran Halsall and
                 are obvious comparisons                                                                                                                       Rebecca Adlington report suffering
                                                                                                                                                               from ‘Delhi belly’ at the Common-
                 to be drawn between our *A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME                                                                                             wealth Games.
population and the light-fingered Parisians.’ In his leader’s speech, Ed Miliband listed ‘Wallace’ (from Wallace and
Boris Johnson compares Boris Bikes to          Gromit), ‘Forrest Gump’ (allegedly coined by members of David                                                   Peruvian novelist Mario Vargas Llosa
the Parisian Vélib.                            Milband’s campaign) and ‘Red Ed’ as nicknames he had been called.                                               wins the Nobel Prize in Literature.
                                               He has also variously been dubbed Super Ted, Death Ray Panda
‘Who do they think we are? Brothers?’          (The Guardian), Steady Ed (Telegraph Blogs) and Neil Kinnock’s Kid                                              Halifax reports that house prices have
George Osborne on the idea that he             (Evening Standard) and compared to Tweedledum (Private Eye),                                                    dropped by 3.6% in the last month.
and Vince Cable would stab each other          Sarah Palin (Telegraph Blogs), Steve Ovett (The Daily Telegraph),
in the back.                                   Niles Crane and Margaret Thatcher (The Independent).                                                            Gap unveils a new logo. m Oct 13th
New species
Conservation International's Stephen Richards guides
                                                                                              Thu 7th



us through the pick of the 200 recently discovered
new species. Illustrated by Cloé Gillies

Pheidole sp. nov.
Common name
Ant.
Remarkable
characteristics
Its head – the large
majors have heads
that are several
times the size of
those of the workers.
Then there are its
huge mandibles – the
majors’ giant appendages
are controlled by powerful
muscles which allow them to
crush food that the workers bring
back to the nest. And its distinct shiny, spiky spine,
which is thought to defend it against predators.
Prey and predators
Prey as yet unknown.
Main predator is thought to be birds.
Where to spot
Foraging on the forest floor at mid-elevation
plateaux (circa 1600m) in the Muller Range, in
Papua New Guinea.



                                     Choerophryne sp.                                                         Feather-tailed
                                     Common name Frog.                                                        Possum,
                                     Remarkable characteristics
                                     An exceptionally long snout, which protrudes well past its jaw.
                                                                                                              Distoechurus sp.
                                     Its size – it is tiny (it could sit on your thumb-nail). Its call – it   Common name Possum.
                                     has a distinctive soft scratching call during heavy rain.                Remarkable characteristics
                                     Prey and predators                                                       A feather-like tail.
                                     Almost certainly eats tiny insects and other tiny invertebrates.         Prey and predators
                                     Predators will include anything larger than it, which is pretty          Eats small fruit and insects
                                     much everything, including larger frogs, large insects,                  and possibly nectar. Predators
                                     centipedes etc.                                                          as yet unknown.
                                     Where to spot                                                            Where to spot
                                     In pouring rain on and near the ground in steep gullies in dense         The Muller Range and Mt Sisa
                                     rainforest in central Papua New Guinea. Bring a strong torch.            in central Papua New Guinea.


The Tube-nosed                                                           The pink-eyed
Fruit Bat                                                                Caedicia
Nyctimene sp.                                                            Common name
                                                                         Wood cricket / katydid.
Common name Fruit bat.                                                   Remarkable characteristics
Remarkable characteristics                                               Striking pink eyes.
Tube-like nostrils.                                                      Prey and predators
Prey and predators                                                       Eats flowers from the tall trees
Eats fruit. Predators as yet                                             of the forest. Predators as yet
unknown.                                                                 unknown.
Where to spot                                                            Where to spot
Hill forests in Papua                                                    The forest canopy in the
New Guinea.                                                              Muller Range mountains.
PJ O’ROURKE ON THE
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  • 1. The UK’s quarterly almanac | Last to breaking news Oct Nov Dec 2010 'Freedom of the Press' by Shepard Fairey
  • 2. WHAT’S THE BIG IDEA? Print is not dead. For all the wily charms of the digital world with its tweets, feeds, blogs and apps, there is still nothing like the pleasure created by ink on paper.
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  • 4. Oct
  • 5. t 1s BORN i Fr d 2n t Sa 3rd { n Su 4th n Mo 5th e Tu 6th AR smart specs, ocular technology d We Biodegradable chocolate wrappers, packaging 7th Black squirrels, rodent Thu Curaçao and St Maarten, countries 8th The Endobarrier, health product Fri Eye secrets, beauty product 9th Frontal enhancement pants, intimate clothing Sat i, newspaper 10th Laptop thigh, ailment Sun Malt salt, foodstuff 11th Mon Pot Noëldles, foodstuff Robot soldiers, military hardware 2th Tue 1 The sexomnia defence, legal strategy Test tube livers, biomedical product Wed 13th Tianhe-I, super computer The Tipsy Gene, scientific discovery Thu 14th Wonka gum, confection { Fri 15th Sat 16th Wed 2 Thu Sun 17th Mon 18th Tue 19th 0th 21st { Ari Up, singer Bob Guccione, publisher Chimp Charlie, primate Claire Rayner, campaigner and journalist The Exmoor Emperor, stag The GAP’s new logo, branding Gregory Isaacs, singer Fri Grey squirrels, rodent 22nd The Horserace Totalisator Board, bookmaker Sat Joan Sutherland, singer 23rd Limewire, software Sun 24th Malcolm Allison, football manager Mo Multikulti, concept n 2 5th The Netherlands Antilles, country Tu Norman Wisdom, actor e 26t Paul the Octopus, cephalopod h We d The PG Tips chimp, primate 27t Th h Tom Bosley, actor u The Vice Squad, police department 28t Fr h The Walkman, electronic product i { 1sh 29 tt Sa t Su 30 th n DIED 31 st
  • 6. Oct “It’s only 2,000 years too late…” Fri 1st Fri 1st Controversy has been caused by the Charity Commission’s granting of charitable status to the Druid Network – one of The Equality Act comes into force across England, Wales and Scotland. numerous British druid organisations – and its recognition of druidry The Daily Mail declares it "The End as a religion. We canvass the opinion of King Arthur Pendragon, of the Office Joke." a senior druid, Stonehenge resident and – according to him – a reincarnation of the original King Arthur. Manchester City announces losses of £121 million for the year running to Council of British Druid Orders has no May 31 2010.m Oct 15th intention of being recognised as a charity.  Druidry is recognised as a religion by Has the ruling given druidry greater The Charity Commission.g legitimacy in the eyes of the public?  It’s always good to have approval but we Latest Ministry of Justice figures didn’t need it. We have our belief structure show the UK’s prison population has and we carry on regardless. The reality is hit an all-time high of 85,495. our religious belief structure already had legitimacy – it’s the pre-Christian religion Chevron are given the green light to of these isles start deepwater drilling off the UK King Arthur Pendragon coast: their ‘Lagavulin Prospect’ will Were the Druid Network more interested open 160 miles north of the What does the Charity Commission in recognition or tax breaks? Shetland Isles. ruling mean to you? I really don’t know, to be honest. For most It’s good to see the Commission recognising druids in Britain it [the ruling] won’t make one Tens of thousands of copies of druidry as a religion – it’s only 2,000 years iota of difference. It just means the media will Jonathan Franzen’s new book, too late. But the ruling was about giving a take us a little more seriously. At the end of the ‘Freedom’ are recalled for pulping specific order, the Druid Network, charitable day, it’s just nature worship. None of the after it is discovered that the British status. My order hasn’t applied for that status. authorities or other religions have any reason printers sent the wrong draft of the to fear paganism at all. book to press.g How do your aims differ from the Druid Network’s? Are you playing a role in preserving Ex-President Pervez Musharraf We’re the warrior arm of the druids, the British heritage? Is there an argument launches his new party, The All political activists. And I also represent the that you should receive funding? Pakistan Muslim League, from the Council of British Druid Orders which is 21 Yes, but that would be down not to the National Liberal Club in Whitehall. different orders including my own. We all Commission, but perhaps the Arts Council or celebrate the same religion. I don’t want my another body. We’re keeping alive ancient Burglar Jason Williams is sentenced order being recognised as a charity and the British traditions – that’s got to be good. to two years and five months in jail for stealing items including a pair of Extra pulp net curtains from the house next door – and then putting the curtains Three books that preceded Fri 1st up in his own window, where they 'Freedom' from shelf to sludge were duly spotted by his neighbours. The Times reports that Zimbabwean The Charles I Bible, 1631 medium Nomatter Tagarira has A regal print run was recalled and torn up after a misprint left the 7th been jailed for convincing govern- commandment declaring ‘Thou shalt commit adultery’ – much to the ment officials that she was able to dismay of King Charles I. The 11 known surviving ‘wicked Bibles’ produce pure diesel oil from a rock, are valued at £50,000. and receiving £1.7 million in cash to develop the industry. Operation Dark Heart: Spycraft and Special Ops on the Frontlines of Afghanistan, 2010 Sat 2nd One of the US military’s more unusual search and destroy missions saw them paying publisher Macmillan $47,000 IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn (£30,000) to destroy the entire first run of Lt Col Anthony urges major economies to strive to Shaffer’s Afghanistan memoirs in September. The avoid a currency war. g Pentagon claimed the book published classified intelligence: a new, censored version was released later. The 10:10 campaign pulls an advert by Richard Curtis featuring Gillian The Pasta Bible, 2010 Anderson, David Ginola, office Earlier this year Penguin Publishing’s ‘Pasta Bible’ faced workers and schoolchildren being the grinders after having listed "salt and freshly ground blown up for refusing to cut their black people" in its Lecter-esque recipe for spelt tagliatelle carbon emissions. with sardines and prosciutto.
  • 7. How to start a currency war Sat 2nd Feeling in the mood to send international tensions skyrocketing and throw the money markets into turmoil? Allow us to point you in the right direction. 1. Identify a competitor 2. Start buying large 3. Watch as their currency 4. Sales of your nation's nation in whose markets you quantities of their currency becomes stronger against your products should now increase. wish to stimulate demand for on the international markets. own currency, thereby making your products. Stockpile it. your products more affordable in their market. 5. Buy more of your 6. Watch your sales increase 7. Your competitor should 8. Your competitor may competitor’s currency. still further, while sales of your now be angry. demand that you re-value Stockpile it. competitor’s products in your your currency in the interests own country decrease. of free trade. They may hint at tariffs and sanctions should you refuse. 9. Refuse. 10. Your competitor may now 11. Respond by buying and 12. Repeat this process until start to print money, to flood stockpiling more of your the global economy breaks the market and bring down the competitor’s currency. down or you are reprimanded value of his currency. Your competitor may now by the G20. redouble his money printing.
  • 8. pm Sun 3rd Oct 2010 The moment that mattered by Colin Montgomerie “There were two decisive moments of the Ryder Cup – both on the Sunday. The first was Lee Westwood’s putt on the 10th hole playing with Luke Donald against Tiger Woods and Steve Stricker. He made that putt to go five up. I think it hurt the USA Team seeing Woods five down and Lee and Luke eventually won that match six and five. But the key moment was on the 18th green when the Molinari brothers made a birdie for a half to take the overall score to nine and a half to six and a half as opposed to nine to seven. That putt on the 18th really swung the match in our favour. I was actually praying it was Edoardo Molinari to take the putt as he is the better putter, but it was Francesco’s turn. I was inside the ropes at the back of the 18th to see the Molinaris get their half point. I spoke to them straight afterwards and they were delighted. I don’t know if he knew how important that putt was going into the singles the next day but I certainly did.”
  • 9. Oct Sun 3rd Germany makes a final payment of £59.5 million in war reparations from WWI. A tube strike called by RMT under Bob Crow brings London to a standstill for 24 hours. Europe edges ahead of the US in the Ryder Cup.f Commonweath Games boss Suresh Kalmadi opens the event to boos at Delhi's Jawaharlal Nehru stadium. The Guardian reports on a new exhibition which suggests that Hitler promised Von Ribbentrop Cornwall as a gift after the Nazi conquest of Britain. Born: Malt Salt, a powdery new condiment which combines the flavours of salt and vinegar, potentially bringing an end to soggy fish and chips. Mon 4th Just after midnight, a bomb goes off at a Derry branch of the Ulster Bank. No-one is hurt. In a speech at the Conservative conference, George Osborne announces that as of 2013 child benefit will no longer be paid to families in which one adult earns over £44,000. m Oct 6th The Nobel Prize in Medicine is awarded to Professor Robert G. Edwards for his work in developing in vitro fertilisation. Actor Tony Curtis is buried with a series of possessions including his iPhone, driving gloves, Stetson, Armani scarf and Anthony Adverse, his favourite book. Europe wins the Ryder Cup by 14.5 points to 13.5. Actor Norman Wisdom dies in a nursing home on the Isle of Man, at the age of 95.m
  • 10. Pitkin behind the Iron Curtain James Montague on how pratfalling comic Norman Wisdom became a talisman for the oppressed masses of Communist Eastern Europe... Mon 4th I t was an unusually busy October for His Excellency do no damage,” Mazi recalls. “They were not films that Zef Mazi. Rarely does the Albanian ambassador to could contribute to bringing down the system. Rather the UK have to deal with scores of urgent requests they would amuse people. Then the regime could say: from the media. But when the news came through ‘OK, we are even showing Western films here.’” that Sir Norman Wisdom had died, his office went Whilst the Communist Party saw Wisdom’s films as into overdrive. a fig leaf for its repression of foreign artistic influences, Telegrams detailing the grief of the Albanian people the Albanian people immediately connected with had to be sent and TV interviews from the likes of BBC Pitkin’s struggles against seemingly unbeatable foes. News had to be accommodated. Even the Albanian “The Albanian people have a very good sense of hu- president was called into action, with a personal state- mour, very similar to the British, and we immediately ment published on the embassy’s website next to a pic- got the message from the films of Norman Wisdom,” ture of him embracing a frail-looking Wisdom. says Mazi. “Pitkin’s role playing tricks on policemen, In his home country, Wisdom was affectionately seen and on his boss Mr Grimsdale and so on. And getting as a lovable fool – the rubber-faced funnyman who away with it! People liked this because it was how they made post-war Britain laugh by falling down graceful- cheated their own system. There was a joke we had ly, an anachronism from the faded music hall past. back then [about the Communist Party] that summed Even his most famous epitaph, that he was Charlie it up: ‘You pretend to pay us and we pretend to work.’” Chaplin’s favourite clown, was delivered as if it were a The official imprimatur on Wisdom’s films saw him back-handed compliment. become one of the country’s most popular stars, Yet those who grew up on the Soviet side of the Iron embraced by even highbrow critics. Rudolf Marku is Curtain during the Cold War have a very different view one of Albania’s greatest living poets and a former of Wisdom and his downtrodden alter ego Pitkin. From editor of the the officially sanctioned culture newspaper Moscow to Zagreb, he was one of the few Western film Drita (“Light”). “One of my books had been banned for stars allowed to be seen by the public. This virtual ‘ideological errors’ and I was sent to the countryside for monopoly saw him revered as the most unlikely of class re-education,” he explains. “I don’t know if you’ve seen warriors, an allegorical everyman who used humour the film ‘Cinema Paradiso’, but this was a small town and humanity to pull off small but unlikely victories with the cinema at its centre. In the cinema you could over the petty impositions of those in authority. And see for the first time the world outside the walls.” nowhere did Wisdom’s films strike more of a chord than It was here that he saw a Wisdom film for the first in Albania, Europe’s most isolated and ideologically time. “Such beautiful films, and he was immediately pure Communist dictatorship, run by the hard-line, attached to the viewers. Why? Norman had the human paranoid Enver Hoxha. touch and was always on the side of the vulnerable “We had the typical life of a country that was under people. He tried to make fun out of those in power. The Communist rule… and over time things got a government showed the films but the common lot harder,” explains Ambassador Mazi. people saw the code: he was one of them, “Lack of freedom of movement and against the directors, the police. In expression, no human rights. People translation, for the common people, it would risk their lives for expressing “The was to be against the government.” the concerns of the market. People went to jail for eight years for common When Enver Hoxha died in 1985, sparking the beginning of the end saying: ‘How come we can’t have people saw of the regime, Wisdom’s populari- olive oil?’” But for the isolationist Albani- the code: Pitkin ty endured. On his first visit to Albania in 1995 he was mobbed an government, who viewed even China as being too politically was one of them, everywhere he went. In 2001 when he returned and made an liberal, there was one major threat against the appearance with David Beckham at to their rule: foreign TV networks. Albania is sandwiched between Italy directors” a football match between Albania and England, it was perhaps the first and Greece, and the Communist Party and last time Beckham was overshad- was constantly battling a public who used owed at a public appearance. hidden TV aerials to find out what was going Whilst in the UK Wisdom’s death was met on in the outside world. By the 1970s the regime with the usual glib obituaries proffered to the elder officially blocked all outside signals, sanctioning the statesmen of entertainment, in Albania his passing broadcast of only those foreign films that posed no was met with sadness across the country. “People political threat. When the censors came across Norman really loved him as a human being, an actor, a Wisdom, he appeared to tick all the right boxes. comedian who touched a chord in those difficult times,” “Norman Wisdom’s films were shown because it was says Mazi. “He gave our people a reason to laugh at a decided they were typical English humour that could time in our history when it wasn’t very easy to laugh.”
  • 11. Oct
  • 12. Conference Season digested Oct As the Tory conference ends we boil down 14 days' worth of political Wed 6th Tue 5th grandstanding, intrigue and backbiting from three parties to the bare essentials. 1am – Hastings Pier is consumed by fire. Conservatives Labour Liberal Democrats Hungary declares a state of Celebration, big society and CSR: Dealing with the fallout: The view from within: emergency as a tide of poisonous red Self-congratulation about being back Fresh from being appointed leader, Ed Nick Clegg tells the conference to ‘stick sludge from an alumina plant pours in power, the formation of the Coalition Miliband says New Labour is now being with us’ and to take ownership of through three western counties, and its achievements, plus lots of New run by The New Generation. There are decisions made by the Coalition. Despite inflicting chemical burns and killing Labour-bashing. There’s also a focus on apparently no age limits to this genera- falling ratings and rumblings from some THEMES three people on the way. deficit reduction and changes to the tion: Ken Livingstone claims to be a delegates about the loss of Lib Dem welfare state, and attempts to capture the proud member, as does 77-year-old identity, the party is generally positive meaning of the ‘Big Society’. conference attendee Doreen. about being in government. The Real IRA claim responsibility for the Ulster Bank Bomb and are condemned by Martin McGuinness as David Cameron Ed Miliband’s speech Nick Clegg highlights ‘conflict junkies’. defends the formation of is generally credited with the Freedom Bill, the the Coalition, lists its putting some sheen on end of ID cards, the Former Société Générale trader achievements to date an otherwise downbeat new bank levy and the Jérome Kerviel is found guilty of and attacks the conference. It starts AV referendum as fraud, committed to three years in ‘complete mess’ of with a story about his reasons for the prison and told to repay £4.25 billion Labour's defence budget as well as the father and grandfather’s flight from the conference to be proud of the Lib Dem to the bank. size of government debt repayments. Nazis and Ed’s consequent love for the role in the Coalition. He ducks He talks about local projects like NHS UK then lists successes and failures of addressing tuition fees or Trident, both In his conference speech, Justice nurses co-ops, residents’ street patrols in the last government. He claims that the big conference topics. The only policy Secretary Ken Clarke suggests that Balsall Heath and plans for a ‘Citizen Iraq war was wrong but says it is not announcement is a relatively minor one on prisoners should work for 40 hours a University’. He thanks a six-year-old girl possible to blame anyone who took the tax increment financing. Nevertheless, he week. f who sent him her tooth money to help pay decision to start it. His biggest applause enjoys a three minute standing ovation. LEADERS’ SPEECHES off the deficit. He defines Big Society as comes when he lists ‘some of the According to a BBC ‘government helping to build a nation names I’ve been called’* and tells Key quote: report, hundreds of of doers and go-getters.’  people to ‘come off it’ ‘We’ve always been the face grey squirrels are Key quote: Key quote: of change, now we are the agents being wiped out by black squirrels ‘We are the radicals now.’ ‘Let’s be honest, politics isn’t working.’ of change.’ brought in from North America. The International Citizen Service is Not many concrete policies: this is more The launch of the Yes Born: Laptop Thigh, also known introduced. Simon Schama is to consult of a regrouping conference and campaign for the AV as ‘erythema ab igne’ a rash-like on the review of history-teaching in the speeches tend to be very broad brush. referendum, motions condition identified by the Pediatrics National Curriculum. George Osborne Ed Miliband promises to tackle immigra- carried on marriage for journal and affecting people who work announces the introduction of a cap on tion worries, to oppose irresponsible gay couples and civil with laptops balanced on their legs. benefits. Headteachers are to be allowed strikes and to limit David Cameron’s time partnerships for to discipline students who behave badly in office to one term. He also criticises mixed-sex partners and Vince Cable Five suspected German militants are outside of school. Iain Duncan Smith supermarkets that sell cheap alcohol. announces that a minimum of 10 per cent killed by a drone attack in Pakistan. sketches out his ‘welfare contract’. Andy Burnham underlines the importance of Royal Mail shares will be available to Kenneth Clarke intends to make of opposing the reorganisation of the employees on privatisation. A diluted The first reprocessed methane gas prisoners work for 40 hours per week. NHS while shadow culture secretary Ben motion to increase the number of Lib from sewage is delivered to homes in Eric Pickles recommends mayoral Bradshaw calls on the coalition to ban Dem candidates from ethnic minorities MAJOR POLICY ANNOUNCEMENTS Didcot by Centrica. Home Rule for big cities. Rupert Murdoch from buying out BSkyB. is also passed.
  • 13. George Osborne’s announcement of It's all about the Miliband brothers. Miriam González Durántez, aka Mrs Wed 6th a change in child benefit is criticised David's wife Louise Shackleton fails to Clegg, claims not to know who Cherie by groups including the Child Poverty disguise her upset at David's loss of the Blair is after being compared to her Action Group and the Institute for leadership election, allegedly crying during an interview with The Times. MP France raises its threat level warning Fiscal Studies, which publishes an backstage before his speech. David Mike Hancock sends an open letter to for citizens travelling to the UK. analysis claiming it will ‘seriously distort refuses to clap during Ed’s speech when Nick Clegg, urging him to avoid incentives for some families with he claims the invasion of Iraq was ‘wrong’ ‘dictatorship of the party by 20 Lib Dem The Conservative conference comes children’. Tory party officials allegedly and is caught on camera asking Harriet ministers’ and suggesting that he should to an end in Birmingham.f ban ministers from being seen Harman – who voted for the war – why try living on benefits, if he thinks it is drinking champagne, although she is applauding. There is unrest easy. YouGov release a poll of Liberal Cheryl Cole receives a ‘Death threat’ Work and Pensions Minister Chris brewing about Ed’s election in the first Democrats which shows David Cameron from a new Facebook group entitled DRAMAS Grayling is photographed sipping couple of days of the conference and has a higher approval rating than Simon 'cheryl cole to die a painful death for something suspiciously bubbly. Decca Aitkenhead (The Guardian) reports Hughes. The Conference passes a being a T**t and blasted into space'. David Cameron sits in the audience Neil Kinnock vowing of dissenters that motion to boycott the establishment of during speeches rather than on the ‘we’ll track the bastards down and free schools – despite the fact that the 52-year-old Chimp Charlie, famous platform, telling ITV ‘Let the leader go we’ll stamp on them’. Lord Sainsbury, Coalition is committed to the policy and for being a heavy smoker, dies in and sit in the audience with everybody one of the biggest donors to the party, Lib Dem MPs have already voted in Mangaung Zoo in Bloemfontein, else, instead of trying to hog the decides not to come to the conference Parliament to let such measures go South Africa. limelight… I want people to get after Ed’s victory, citing ‘stuff to do’ as the ahead. Charles Kennedy pulls out of a to know the team, and not just the reason. Ed Miliband dismisses the chief rally, claiming problems with his train and Thu 7th team captain.’ whip, Nick Brown. later leaves the conference In Bristol, chef Faye Pounder loses all her possessions while moving out ‘They left us a legacy of spinning, ‘The thinking woman’s ‘Never in the field of political memoirs, from her flat when her flatmate smearing, briefing, back-biting, oatcake.’ has so much been written by so few about accidentally loads them into the half-truths and cover-ups, patronising, Harriet Harman on so little.’ wrong car, which then drives off. old-fashioned, top-down, wasteful, Jack Straw. It’s not clear Nick Clegg on New Labour diaries. whether it is a dig or an BP sifts through hundreds of centralising, inefficient, ineffective, attempt at praise. ‘What is it like being in bed with the wrongful American claims for unaccountable politics, 10p tax and compensation from the Gulf of 90 days detention, an election bottled ‘He’s Gromit... The very cool dog who flies Tories? First, it’s exhausting; it’s exhausting Mexico oil spill, including some from to the moon and beats the penguin.’ because you have to fight to keep landlocked states. and a referendum denied, gold sold at the duvet’. Eddie Izzard denies that Ed looks half price and council tax doubled, bad like Wallace. Vince Cable on the Coalition. Scientists working in Papua New Guinea’s Southern Highlands and IN QUOTES news buried and Mandelson resurrected, pension funds destroyed and foreign ‘If you really want to strike a blow ‘Spivs and gamblers who did more harm to New Britain Island announce the discovery of 200 new species.i prisoners not deported, Gurkhas kept out against the surveillance state you should the British economy than Bob Crow could and extremist preachers allowed in.’ sack Andy Coulson.’ achieve in his wildest Trotskyite fantasies.’ It is reported that Cyril Howarth of David Cameron on Labour. Alan Johnson to David Cameron. Vince Cable on bankers. Chorley has built a working replica of a U-Boat, using it to patrol the ‘I don’t want to violate ‘The only Cabinet minister you can Leeds-Liverpool canal. He faces It’s real political hokey cokey.’ inspection by British Waterways. the entente cordiale but it Alastair Darling on Vince Cable in spot on Google Earth.’ seems to me that there government. Nick Clegg on Eric Pickles. English swimmers Fran Halsall and are obvious comparisons Rebecca Adlington report suffering from ‘Delhi belly’ at the Common- to be drawn between our *A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME wealth Games. population and the light-fingered Parisians.’ In his leader’s speech, Ed Miliband listed ‘Wallace’ (from Wallace and Boris Johnson compares Boris Bikes to Gromit), ‘Forrest Gump’ (allegedly coined by members of David Peruvian novelist Mario Vargas Llosa the Parisian Vélib. Milband’s campaign) and ‘Red Ed’ as nicknames he had been called. wins the Nobel Prize in Literature. He has also variously been dubbed Super Ted, Death Ray Panda ‘Who do they think we are? Brothers?’ (The Guardian), Steady Ed (Telegraph Blogs) and Neil Kinnock’s Kid Halifax reports that house prices have George Osborne on the idea that he (Evening Standard) and compared to Tweedledum (Private Eye), dropped by 3.6% in the last month. and Vince Cable would stab each other Sarah Palin (Telegraph Blogs), Steve Ovett (The Daily Telegraph), in the back. Niles Crane and Margaret Thatcher (The Independent). Gap unveils a new logo. m Oct 13th
  • 14. New species Conservation International's Stephen Richards guides Thu 7th us through the pick of the 200 recently discovered new species. Illustrated by Cloé Gillies Pheidole sp. nov. Common name Ant. Remarkable characteristics Its head – the large majors have heads that are several times the size of those of the workers. Then there are its huge mandibles – the majors’ giant appendages are controlled by powerful muscles which allow them to crush food that the workers bring back to the nest. And its distinct shiny, spiky spine, which is thought to defend it against predators. Prey and predators Prey as yet unknown. Main predator is thought to be birds. Where to spot Foraging on the forest floor at mid-elevation plateaux (circa 1600m) in the Muller Range, in Papua New Guinea. Choerophryne sp. Feather-tailed Common name Frog. Possum, Remarkable characteristics An exceptionally long snout, which protrudes well past its jaw. Distoechurus sp. Its size – it is tiny (it could sit on your thumb-nail). Its call – it Common name Possum. has a distinctive soft scratching call during heavy rain. Remarkable characteristics Prey and predators A feather-like tail. Almost certainly eats tiny insects and other tiny invertebrates. Prey and predators Predators will include anything larger than it, which is pretty Eats small fruit and insects much everything, including larger frogs, large insects, and possibly nectar. Predators centipedes etc. as yet unknown. Where to spot Where to spot In pouring rain on and near the ground in steep gullies in dense The Muller Range and Mt Sisa rainforest in central Papua New Guinea. Bring a strong torch. in central Papua New Guinea. The Tube-nosed The pink-eyed Fruit Bat Caedicia Nyctimene sp. Common name Wood cricket / katydid. Common name Fruit bat. Remarkable characteristics Remarkable characteristics Striking pink eyes. Tube-like nostrils. Prey and predators Prey and predators Eats flowers from the tall trees Eats fruit. Predators as yet of the forest. Predators as yet unknown. unknown. Where to spot Where to spot Hill forests in Papua The forest canopy in the New Guinea. Muller Range mountains.
  • 15. PJ O’ROURKE ON THE US MID-TERMS THE END OF BIG MONEY FOOTBALL BEHIND THE NOBEL PRIZES WHAT HAPPENS WHEN COUNTRIES GO BANKRUPT THE CANOE MAN AND HOW TO DISAPPEAR COMPLETELY Every news story that mattered And a huge amount more SUBSCRIBE NOW!