Eric Weinstein has invented a new product called a Lost Jewellery Retrieval Kit to address two problems: making more profit from chewing gum and clearing sticks from his large lawn. His assistant Hennimore collects used gum and sticks, which Weinstein combines onto a stick to create the retrieval kits. The kits contain instructions for using the gum-stick to retrieve small valuable items lost down drains. Weinstein plans to package and sell the kits for $45-£30 each, adding value to gum while growing his fortune and funding a future space golf expedition for his assistant Hennimore.

1. New(-ish) Uses For Chewing
Gum
Adding value through sticks found on my very
large, poorly tended suburban lawn
Eric Alan Weinstein
Team: “Thought I Would be On Team Supreme”

2. Chewing Gum sells for $1.50 or £1 or
even less
You have to sell an awful lot of the stuff to make a
large enough profit for me to live very well in both
the West End and in Princeton, NJ!

3. Meanwhile, my absurdly large lawn has
far too many fallen branches and sticks
• I would like them to not merely be
cleared away, but put to good use.

4. I have employed my assistant
Hennimore to help me fix both problems
simultaneously. This is he, enjoying some
authentic holiday eggnog.

5. As you may know, housewives spend
much of their day losing ear-rings,
diamonds and stock certificates down
a variety of household devises. Here is
an example of how this occurs.

6. By combining well-chewed gum
with sticks, I can offer help to many
who have lost such valuable items.
• By sending Hennimore onto the High Street in the morning to
pick up used gum, and into my garden in the afternoon to
clear away old sticks, I invent a much more valuable
commodity than mere gum!

7. The resultant pair look roughly like this
when Hennimore holds them up to my
Pentax G-8 camera:

8. I Invent Universal Amalgamated
Products newest range: our Lost
Jewellery Retrieval Kit!
• The Following Note is included in the pack:
• How to Retrieve Valuables
• Oops, you just lost an earring or other small
valuable down the drain. Try retrieving it with a
freshly chewed piece of chewing gum stuck to the
bottom of this stick. Dangle the gum-stick down
the drain, let it take hold, then bring the earring or
what have you back up the drain.

9. The kit will be nicely packaged, and
retail for $45 or £30. It will look
somewhat like this package of shaving
cream I sell all over the world:
Except I shall have Hennimore put a stick and some
chewing gum inside instead of the shaving cream.

10. Changing The World’s relationship to
ABC Gum (and some sticks)
• This adds value to the gum, adds to my
existing fortune, and bringing ever closer the
day when I can afford to send Hennimore
forever into space, where he will play golf on
my behalf, whilst I watch on a video display
whilst drinking port and smoking a cigar.