1. Chef Glenn and the Deadly
Loaf
A parody of “Sir Gawain and the
Green Knight”
By Daniel Barcus
2. Arty and the good fellows were
famous bakers, known all across the lands
for their famous butter lemon bread and
ginger snap cake. Not only were Arty and
the good fellows amazing bakers, but they
were also very charitable.
3. Every year, Arty and his goodfellows
would travel all the way to the
“Desserted” Lands to bring desserts to the
all of the unfortunate people. In the
Desserted Lands, contrary to the name,
the people of that land had no desserts.
Arty could not live knowing that some
people went without desserts for many
years.
4. The trek to the Desserted Lands was
not an easy one. Lord Arty and his good
fellows had to travel through dangerous
lands with their expensive and exquisite
desserts. Many times the group encounter
ravenous animals and natives, trying to
get a bite of their desserts. Of course, not
only were the bakers excellent chefs but
also strong and burly fighters.
5. During the end of the yearly cycle,
Arty hosted an event called Breadfest.
Arty and his good fellows would work
weeks on a giant meal of breads and
desserts to celebrate the start of the new
year.
6. One year, during Breadfest, a strange
man arrived. He was less like a man, and
more like a muffin. In one hand he held a
butter knife, and in the other a fork.
Sheathed on his side was a baguette. He
road on a horse that looked as if it was
made of ginger bread.
7. Though Arty was normally a calm and
caring man, today his patience was worn
because of his slaving over the delicacies
he prepared for Breadfest. “Who do you
think you are, intruding on our
Breadfest!”, Arty scolded at the man on
the horse.
8. “Why I am just a simple commoner, famous
Arty.”, replied the horseman. “I am the Muffin Man. I
have heard from across the lands of your great
accolades. I have come to issue you a challenge. I wish
to taste your bread. I do not want just any kind of
bread, though. I want you to prepare for me the
deadliest bread you can think of. I want you to put the
deadliest poisons and most disgusting ingredients in
this bread. Maggots, worms, whatever you can think
of! I will eat this bread, and in return, in a year from
now, you must eat the bread I prepare for you that
will be equally as deadly. Surely a brave group like
you would have no problem entertaining my offer!”
9. There was a gasp and the whole town
went quiet. There were whispers and a
drop of sweat fell from Arty’s brow. Arty
looked left and right at his good fellows,
thinking that they would accept the offer
and defend his reputation.
10. In a fit of anger, Arty burst out of his
chair to accept the offer. “I will play your
game, Muffin Man!” Before Arty could
finish, one of the good fellows sprang up
and stopped Arty. His name was Chef
Glenn.
11. “Glenn! You are the last good fellow I
would expect to defend my honor! Will
you take up the Muffin Man’s offer?”,
exclaimed Arty. “Of course I will, uncle
Arty.”
12. Glenn headed to the kitchen to prepare
this disastrous bread. Flour, yeast, water,
dirt off the floor, worms from the yard,
dust from the cellar, mold from the cheese,
and poison from the cupboard all went
into the loaf. The most disgusting loaf of
bread had been prepared and was brought
out to the Muffin Man.
13. “Ah! My loaf of bread to order! Let’s
see if you are as good of bakers as I have
heard!” The Muffin Man ate the poison
laced bread. He ate every last bit, smiled,
and told Glenn that he would see him in a
year.
14. Astounded, Arty, Glenn, the good
fellows, and the whole townspeople sat
quiet in amazement of how the Muffin
Man was able to eat the loaf with no
problem. “I will keep to my word!”,
exclaimed Glenn. “I will go a year from
now, after Breadfest, and face the Muffin
Man’s loaf!”
15. A year later, it was time. Glenn had no
idea where he was going, but he would
find the Muffin Man. “Farwell, all! I will
see you soon!”
16. Glenn traveled far and wide asking,
“Do you know the Muffin Man?” Finally,
Glenn arrived at a strange looking house.
He asked the residents of the house if they
knew the Muffin Man. “The Muffin Man!
Of course, he lives in the Drury Plains!”,
responded the residents.
17. “Ah, where are the Drury Planes?”,
responded Glenn. “Why you are in the
Drury Planes! The Muffin Man lives no
more than a mile from here! Come, stay
with us a while!”
18. Glenn stayed, but one night while he
was in his room, the woman of the
household entered his room. “What are
you doing here, miss?”, said Glenn. She
said, “I am just here to check up on you,
sweetie.” as she stood next to his bed.
“You caught my eye when you came in,
and I couldn’t help but catch a word with
you alone.”
19. “I really must be getting to sleep.”,
replied Glenn. “It gets so lonely here,
Glenn, will you keep me company
tonight?”, replied the lady. “I really must
be getting to bed”, cried Glenn as he
forced the lady out of his room. Before she
left, she gave Glenn a Kiss.
20. The next morning, the man of the
house questioned Glenn. “I know my wife
visited you last night, Glenn. What did
you do? Whatever she gave to you I want
you to give to me!”, exclaimed the man.
Glenn smiled at the man and gave him a
Kiss.
21. The next night, the same thing
happened. Before Glenn fell asleep, the
woman of house entered again. “I want to
sleep with you tonight, Glenn! Please!”,
begged the woman. Glenn replied, “I am
sorry mistress, but I cannot.” Glenn forced
her out of the room, but before he did, the
woman gave him another Kiss.
22. The next morning, the master of the
house questioned Glenn again. “I know
you saw my wife again last night. You
better give to me what she has given you.
I have been most gracious to you in
lodging you and helping you find the
Muffin Man. I just ask you to honor my
request.” Glenn smiled and handed the
man another Kiss.
23. Glenn was leaving to find the Muffin
Man the next day. Before he left, the
woman of the house met with him alone
in his room for one last time. “Glenn, if
you will not give me your love at least
take this from me to remember me by.”
She handed him a loaf of bread glazed
with gold leaf and embedded with
diamond dust.
24. “I cannot accept this!”, exclaimed
Glenn. “What about this? This will protect
you from the Muffin Man’s deadly bread.”
She pulled out a mouthpiece that looked
like it could easily fit over the teeth. “This
will neutralize anything deadly in the
Muffin Man’s bread! Please, take it, it will
save your life!”
25. Unwillingly, Glenn took the
mouthpiece. “Be safe! Good luck against
the Muffin Man!” She gave him another
Kiss as she left. Glenn met with the man of
the house. “I know my wife visited you
this morning, Glenn. Did she give you
anything to you? I have been most
gracious to you and given you all that I
have, so please give what she has given to
you back to me!”
26. A frown ran across Glenn’s face. He
paused for a moment and then gave the
man a Kiss. “Are you sure that is all she
had given you?” Glenn nodded slowly
with a frown on his face. “Alright Glenn,
let’s find the Muffin Man!”
27. The man and Glenn trekked through
the Drury Planes. After a couple of hours,
they came close to a forest. “This is as far
as I go, Glenn. This is a dangerous place.”
28. Glenn passed through the forest. A
little while after the man had left, Glenn
heard a voice calling out to him. “Ah!
Chef Glenn! I am glad to see you! I see you
have kept true to your word! I trust you
are ready to finish our game?”
29. Glenn was scared but remembered the
mouth piece he had been given and
quickly shoved it into his mouth. He
walked up to the Muffin Man and the
Muffin Man pulled out a moldy load of
bread with maggots crawling on it.
30. The Muffin Man handed the loaf to
Glenn. “Eat up!” Glenn frowned and
broke a crumb off of the loaf of bread and
put it into his mouth and spat it out.
“What a coward! You have come all this
way just to spit my wonderful bread in
my face! What a disgrace you are, Glenn! I
did not spit out your bread when you
gave it to me!”
31. Glenn frowned and took the bread and
ate the whole loaf. The Muffin Man smiled
and said, “Good show Glenn! Good show.
I am glad that you have played our
game!”
32. Why am I not dead?”, questioned
Glenn. “It must surely be because of that
mouthpiece you took from my wife,
Glenn! That must surely be the reason!”,
exclaimed the Muffin Man.
33. “Ah yes, that must be why. Wait,
how do you know about that?!”, cried Glenn.
“Because I am the man you betrayed Glenn! I
am the master of the house you stayed in! I
wanted to test your stature, and my wife
helped by tempting you with love, but you
would not accept! Next she tried to tempt
you with riches but you still would not
accept! Finally she tempted you with life and
you failed! Of course, I cannot say that I
would have not done the same thing.”
34. Glenn laid down and cried. He
handed the mouthpiece to the Muffin
Man. “I am such a failure! I have tarnished
my honor! I have made Arty look like a
fool! I do not deserve to live! Why did
your bread not kill me, Muffin Man?”
35. “I did not poison my loaf, Glenn. All I
did was put maggots in it because you
took the mouthpiece from my wife.
Otherwise the loaf was a perfectly fine
piece of bread.”
36. “Thank you for sparing my life, Muffin
Man, but I wish that you had not. I cannot
live with this failure.”, screamed Glenn.
“Please take this mouthpiece as your
reward for being most noble, Glenn.”, said
the Muffin Man. “I will wear it always and
keep it as a reminder of my failures!”,
cried Glenn.
37. Glenn headed back to Arty’s bakery,
constantly reminding himself of how he
had failed in honoring the man’s request.
38. When Glenn arrived, Arty exclaimed,
“Glenn! I am glad to see you alive! I hope
you have defended our honor?”
39. “I have failed, Arty! I have tarnished
your honor! I found the Muffin Man and
ate his loaf, but I betrayed the pact I had
made with him! I promised I would give
him whatever his wife would give to me,
but I did not! She gave me this
mouthpiece because she said it would
save me from the deadly bread, but I did
not give it to the man!”
40. Arty and the other good fellows
chuckled. “Glenn! It is good to hear that
you ate the Muffin Man’s loaf! We do not
blame you for defending your life! We
would have done the same! We are proud
that you stuck to your honor,met with the
Muffin Man, and ate his loaf even though
you could have died. I am very proud of
your, Glenn!”
41. Glenn smiled a little, and from that day
forward Arty made all of the good fellows
wear mouthpieces to remind them to be as
courageous as Glenn!