1. Lesson 18
Communicating Effectively
I. What is communication?
A. Communication is simply “getting the message across”.
B. All communication involves the following components:
• The Sender - who initiates the message.
• The Message - the content and form of the communication.
• The Receiver - the intended recipient of the message.
It’s important to remember throughout this lesson that a large portion of communication is non-
verbal.
Complete the questionnaire in Appendix I to discover how effective your communication skills
are.
II. What are the marks of God-honouring communicators?
A. They do not lie but are truthful.
The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful (Proverbs12:22).
So put away all falsehood and "tell your neighbor the truth" because we belong to each other.
(Eph. 4:25)
B. They keep a guard on their lips.
He who guards his lips guards his soul, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin (Proverbs
13:3).
C. They are gentle, full of grace, consistently speaking healing words.
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger….The tongue that brings
healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit (Proverbs 15:1,4).
Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to
answer everyone. (Col. 4:6)
D. They give appropriate and timely responses.
A man finds joy in giving an apt reply-- and how good is a timely word!
The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil (Proverbs
15:23, 28).
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2. A wise man's heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction. Pleasant words are a
honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. (Proverbs 16:23-24).
E. They do not use foul or coarse language but words that edify.
Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your
words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. (Eph. 4:29).
F. They are good representatives of Christ in what they say and do.
And whatever you do or say, let it be as a representative of the Lord Jesus, all the while giving
thanks through him to God the Father (Col 3:17).
G. They are even-tempered keen listeners.
My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry.
If you claim to be religious but don't control your tongue, you are just fooling yourself, and your
religion is worthless (James 1:19,26).
III. What are some common hindrances to communication?
A. The assumption by the sender that the message has been received.
B. The sender’s verbal and non-verbal messages not being congruent.
C. The sender not making it clear who the recipient is.
D. The inability to ascertain whether the recipient understood the message.
E. Where communication is hindered by relational complexity.
Think of how you communicate with your parents / partner / boss / son / employee / pupil?
F. The use of offensive styles of communication.
G. Problems in perception
H. Prejudice
I. Shyness and social phobia.
Social Phobia is the fear of meeting people and shyness is a set of learned behaviors that
interfere with relating to people or having successful relationships. If You are Shy . . .
1. You become very nervous when meeting new people or you often avoid situations where
new people are present.
2. You keep trying to talk yourself into talking to more people but still are unable to do this.
3. You spend far more time alone than you would like and cannot seem to change this.
4. You often freeze up when talking.
Read Appendix III for more signs of shyness.
J. Lack of trust
The following questions are to help you explore your own level of trust. Reflect on how this
impacts you when communicating as the sender or receiver.
1. How do you decide whom to trust?
2. How do you decide when to trust?
3. What rules do you have about whom you trust and whom you do not?
4. What are your value equivalents of trust – what does someone have to do in order to be
trustworthy or untrustworthy?
5. Do you treat people as basically trustworthy unless you have evidence otherwise? Or do you
treat them as basically untrustworthy unless you have evidence otherwise?
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3. 6. What evidence do you need?
7. Do you need to see it with your own eyes?
8. Do you believe people are trustworthy if others say so and if so, whose word do you trust?
9. Are there certain environments you trust and others you don’t trust?
10. Do you trust people from some environments and not others?
11. Do you trust a person in one context and not another?
12. Do you decide people are trustworthy by what they do, regardless of where they are or
whom they are with?
13. Do you pay most attention to a person’s beliefs and values before deciding whether they
are trustworthy or do you pay the most attention to the kind of person they are?
K. The challenges of cross-cultural communication.
A major example of cultural differences can be seen by contrasting high-context and low-context
cultures. These differences have a significant impact on communication styles. Our perceptions
are largely influenced by our worldview and culture. It is important in the context of groups to
understand this, as much unnecessary conflict can be avoided through recognizing these
differences. Cultures can be divided into high and low context.
Chinese Korean Japanese Vietnamese Arab Greek Spanish Italian English North
American Scandinavian Swiss German
High Context Low-context
• Establish social trust first • Get down to business first
• Value personal relations and goodwill • Value expertise and performance
• Agreement by general trust • Agreement by specific legalistic contract
• Negotiations slow and ritualistic • Negotiations as efficient as possible
Adapted in part from M. Munter, “Cross-cultural Communication for Managers.” Business
Horizons, May-June 1993, Figure 3, p72.
Discussion Questions
• Where do you think your country lies on this continuum?
• With “world globalization”, is it possible to say that there are still exclusively high
context cultures and exclusively low context cultures?
L. Rejection
A lot of people suffering from the root of rejection are terrified of situations where they may
experience rejection by others. This is especially true of situations involving meeting new people
who may be potential friends.
1. Common rejection avoidance strategies:
2. Stay home every night and use the computer or watch TV.
3. Dress in unflattering ways and avoid people
4. Become a workaholic
5. Avoid places or opportunities to meet people
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4. IV. What are some practical steps one can take in learning to communicate
effectively?
A. Learn to be respectfully assertive.
Passive Assertive Aggressive
CHARACTERISTICS Allow others to Choose for self. Choose for others.
choose for you. Appropriately Inappropriately
Emotionally honest. Direct, self honest (tactless).
dishonest. Indirect, respecting, self Direct, self-
self-denying, expressing, straight enhancing. Self-
inhibited, In win- forward. Convert expressive,
lose situations you win-lose to win- derogatory. Win-
lose. If you do get win lose situation
your own way, it is which you win.
indirect.
YOUR OWN Anxious, ignored, Confident, self- Self-Righteous,
FEELINGS ON THE helpless, respecting, goal superior,
EXCHANGE manipulated. oriented, valued. depreciatory,
Angry at yourself Later: controlling. Later:
and/or others. accomplished. possibly guilty
OTHERS FEELINGS Guilty or superior. Valued, respected. Humiliated,
IN THE EXCHANGE Frustrated with you defensive resentful,
hurt
OTHERS VIEW OF Lack of respect. Respect, trust. Vengeful, angry.
YOU IN THE Distrust. Can be Know where you Distrustful, fearful
EXCHANGE considered a stand
pushover. Do not
know where you
stand
OUTCOME Others achieve Outcome You achieve your
their goals at your determined by goal at others’
expense. Your above-board expense. Your
rights are violated. negotiation. Your rights upheld;
and others’ rights others violated.
respected.
UNDERLYING I should never I have a I have to put others
BELIEF SYSTEM make anyone responsibility to down to protect
uncomfortable or protect my own myself.
displeased except rights: I respect
myself. others but not
necessarily their
behaviour
Are you more often assertive, aggressive or passive? Complete the questionnaire in Appendix
II to explore how assertive you are.
Taken from Weinstein, et al: communication skills
B. Build a culture of trust around you.
Many teams fail because of mistrust between individuals; superiors and subordinates. Sadly, this
mistrust is often based on misperceptions. It’s important for us to identify mistrust when it is
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5. there, and to explore ways of overcoming it. Where there are high levels of mistrust there is more
likely to be unnecessary conflict, reduced productivity and barriers to change. Where trust levels
are high people tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt.
When you think of the concept trust, what feelings begin to surface? What words pop up in your
mind?
Think of someone you trust. Picture them. What qualities does the picture have?
Think of someone you don’t trust. What do you feel?
Do you trust yourself?
Are you trustworthy?
How does all this affect your ability to communicate effectively?
Warren Bennis describes four Ingredients that leaders have that generate and sustain trust:
1. Constancy: Whatever surprises leaders may face, they themselves do not create any for
the group. Leaders are all of a piece; they stay on course
2. Congruity: Leaders walk their talk. In true leaders there is no gap between theories they
espouse and the life they practice.
3. Reliability: Leaders are there when it counts; they are ready to support their co-workers in
the moments that matter.
4. Integrity: Leaders honour their commitments and promises
C. Overcome any form of shyness or social phobia.
1. Tune into your self-talk.
2. Get rid of your wrong thinking.
3. Practice daily affirmations.
4. Be willing to step out of your comfort zone.
5. Acknowledge your accomplishments.
6. Remember what you’ve done.
7. Start small.
8. Practise confidence.
9. Find something to say.
10. Be a curious listener.
11. Practice, practice, practice.
D. Overcome your mis-beliefs:
It’s important that we realign or beliefs with the Word of God if we are to become effective
communicators.
Common Mistaken Beliefs for Shy People and their Counterarguments
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6. 1. "If I talk to someone new I will say the wrong think and embarrass myself, it is better not
say anything at all."
Counterargument to this belief is that you absolutely have no way to know what will
happen if you talk to someone new. Also it is certainly not better to avoid saying
anything at all. The more practice that you get speaking to others, the better you will get
at speaking to others.
2. "I just do not know what to say most of the time."
Counterargument: This belief is based on the mistaken assumption that you have to say
the "right thing" most of the time and this is not true. There is often not a "right" thing to
say.
3. "Other people are just not that interested in me."
Counterargument: Can you read minds? This is a generalization.
4. "Other people will reject me and I just will not be able to handle this."
Counterargument: Thinking that you cannot handle rejection is a mistaken belief. You
can learn with practice to handle rejection and interpret is as a step along the way to
success.
My Self-Critical Thoughts
1. ___________________________________________
COUNTERARGUMENT:
___________________________________________
2. ___________________________________________
COUNTERARGUMENT:
___________________________________________
3. ___________________________________________
COUNTERARGUMENT:
___________________________________________
Some New Biblically based Beliefs or Self Statements for You:
1. ___________________________________________
2. ___________________________________________
3. ___________________________________________
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7. Appendix I
COMMUNICATION SELF-ASSESSMENT SCALE
Complete this questionnaire:
The scale is aimed at helping you to assess your current communication styles. It will also serve
as a yardstick against which you can measure your improvement in communication. You should
answer each question by circling the number that best describes the statement as it applies to you
over the past month (30 days).
1. never true of me
2. hardly ever, rarely true of me
3. equally true and false
4. more true than false, almost always true of me
5. always true of me
Never Sometimes Always
1 2 3 4 5
1) I can speak up and answer questions ……………………………………………..1 2 3 4 5
2) I can discuss with a teacher/senior a grade/evaluation that I feel is not accurate…1 2 3 4 5
3) I can ask for the return of borrowed items without being apologetic……………..1 2 3 4 5
4) I can ask for help from others when I need it ………………….............................1 2 3 4 5
5) I can tell someone that he/she is doing something that is bothering me………….1 2 3 4 5
6) I can say ‘no’ and refuse to do something when I really do not feel like it………1 2 3 4 5
7) I can talk about sex with my spouse ……………………………………………..1 2 3 4 5
8) I can accept criticism ……………………………………………………………..1 2 3 4 5
9) I can express my anger directly and honestly without blaming the other person ...1 2 3 4 5
10) I can readily admit my mistakes………………………………………………….1 2 3 4 5
11) I feel comfortable when I have to talk to a group ………………………………..1 2 3 4 5
12) People tell me I am very easy to talk to ………………………………………….1 2 3 4 5
13) People like me …………………………………………………............................1 2 3 4 5
14) I feel people understand me ………………………………………………………1 2 3 4 5
15) I am able to get my ideas across clearly and simply …………..............................1 2 3 4 5
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8. If most of your answers range between 3 and 5 chances are that you communicate your needs
well and can assert yourself.
If most of your answers range between 1 and 2 you may need to learn ways of communicating
your needs openly and honestly
Appendix II
ASSESSING YOUR ASSERTIVENESS
Remember that assertiveness is not a negative thing. It’s one thing to choose not to confront an
issue, it’s quite another thing to be too timid to. Our teaching on assertiveness is not attempting
to encourage rudeness but rather to help us to explore why we so often shrink back due to fear of
man. Meekness is strength under control, and is seen when we make a conscious choice to not
pursue an issue. However, when we find ourselves continuously avoiding possible confrontation
we need to ask ourselves whether we have a problem with assertiveness.
The questionnaire should be completed and then discussed:
The exercise could be helpful to participants to pinpoint problem areas, or yield information
about areas of strength
Never Sometimes Always
1 2 3 4 5
1) I tend to rely on my own judgement ……………………………………………. 1 2 3 4 5
2) I have confidence in my own judgement ………………………………………. 1 2 3 4 5
3) I am aware of what I feel when I am feeling it………………………………….. 1 2 3 4 5
4) I am honest with myself about what I want and feel…………………………..... 1 2 3 4 5
5) I express what I feel when I feel it, regardless of other people……………….….1 2 3 4 5
6) I let others know what I am feeling………………………………………………1 2 3 4 5
7) I let others know what I am feeling about them……………………………..….. 1 2 3 4 5
8) I am openly critical of others’ ideas, opinions and behaviour, If I disagree……..1 2 3 4 5
9) When a person is highly unfair I call it to his attention…………………………..1 2 3 4 5
10) If I think there is a problem developing in a relationship, I let the other person know
what I think……………………………………………………………………….1 2 3 4 5
11) I insist that my spouse or roommate take on a fair share of household chores…. 1 2 3 4 5
12) At work, if I think I am being asked to do more than I possibly can I object….. 1 2 3 4 5
13) If someone asks me a favour which is inconvenient for me to carry out, I tell them so…
1 2 3 4 5
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9. 14) If a person has borrowed money (or a book, garment, thing of value) and is overdue
in returning it, I mention it …………………………………………………….. 1 2 3 4 5
15) I insist that my landlord (mechanic, repairman, etc) make repairs, adjustments or
Replacements which are his responsibility…………………………………… 1 2 3 4 5
16) When I discover merchandise is faulty, I return it for an adjustment…………. 1 2 3 4 5
17) I speak out in protest when someone takes my place in line …………………. 1 2 3 4 5
18) When a latecomer is waited on before I am, I call attention to the situation … 1 2 3 4 5
19) If someone keeps kicking or bumping my chair in a movie or a lecture, I
I ask the person to stop……………………………………………………….. 1 2 3 4 5
20) In a restaurant, when my meal is improperly prepared or served, I ask the waiter/
Waitress to correct the situation…………………………………………………1 2 3 4 5
21) When I need help, I ask for it……………………………………………………1 2 3 4 5
22) When I am speaking, I object if someone interrupts ……………………………1 2 3 4 5
Items on which there is a low score indicate areas of concern.
Appendix III
Finding Out About Shyness: True or False
1. I find it very difficult to talk to new people.
2. I lack confidence with people.
3. I feel very tense and nervous when I try to initiate a conversation
4. At work I have difficulty talking to other people.
5. I often tense up and forget what I was about to say when trying to talk to someone new.
6. I am especially nervous when talking to someone I would like to date.
7. I often replay entire dialogues in my mind, wishing I had said something different.
8. People see me as very quiet but I do not want to be.
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