Most of us take language for granted. We use words without thinking about how they may affect others and then are surprised at the reaction we get. Learn the importance of language in building and maintaining high performing agile teams. Become more aware of the words you choose and the impact of those words on your listeners. Steven “Doc” List presents a series of exercises in a game show format. Participants attempt to identify loaded words in seemingly simple statements and questions. Some of the exercises are written, others are acted out in role play. You’ll engage in discussion and reflection as part of the activity, gaining greater insight into your own use of language and understanding of how language affects your interactions and your teams. Learn how to read the subtle messages in your own and others' language. Learn how to craft what you say so that it means what you want it to.

1.
BT3
Session
6/6/2013 10:15 AM
"You Said What?
Becoming Aware of the Things We
Say"
Presented by:
Steven List
Santeon Group
Brought to you by:
340 Corporate Way, Suite 300, Orange Park, FL 32073
888‐268‐8770 ∙ 904‐278‐0524 ∙ sqeinfo@sqe.com ∙ www.sqe.com

2. Steven “Doc” List
Santeon Group
Steven “Doc” List has spent much of his thirty-five years in the software development
community in leadership and coaching roles. Doc’s education in clinical and
industrial/organizational psychology has contributed to his understanding of language and
interaction between people. Recent roles as an agile coach and trainer have brought the
importance of language and interaction into finer focus, as has his writing in his blog
at stevenlist.com. Doc's experience as a leader, trainer, coach, presenter, facilitator, and
professional speaker blends into an unusual appreciation for and mastery of the subtlety of
spoken and written language.

3. You Said What?
Becoming Aware of the Things We Say
Presented by Steven “Doc” List
Vice President, Santeon Learning
Santeon Group
Doc@Santeon.com
Thursday, June 6, 13

4. You start...
•
•
•
•
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Get with a partner - you don’t have to know
them. In fact, it MUST be someone you don’t
know!
Spend two minutes talking about experiences
you’ve had where ambiguous language caused a
problem/situation.
Write down one brief note each
Each person will share their partner’s example in
10 seconds or less

5. What do you want?
• Based on what you read and what lead you
•
•
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to be here, what would you like to get out
of this session?
With your partner, spend two minutes
talking about it. Each of you write down
your goals on a card.
Three minutes of volunteer sharing.

6. Cornell Notes
Cues
Notes
Keywords, questions, and other things
that jog your memory or make you
think.
Main ideas, simple triggers, paraphrased
from the session.
Summary
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Summarize what you learned in a few
points here.

7. Who am I?
• Psychology
• 35 years
• Software
• Coach
• Photographer
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8. Learning Objectives
• You will be able to define “qualifiers”
• You will be able to define/describe
•
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“dominant language”
You will have some specific tools for
clearer, more effective communication

9. Be prepared to
volunteer
• Throughout the remainder of this session,
•
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we will need volunteers. Please be ready to
volunteer. Please. Really.
It won’t hurt. :)

10. The Power of Language
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11. Colloquialisms
• Need two volunteers
• Everyone else get with a partner
• Listen to the dialog
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12. What will happen?
• Will the tasks get done?
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13. Script for
Colloquialisms
A: I need you to take this envelope and mail it.
B: Gotcha.
A: When you’re done, please pick up some lunch for me.
B: No worries.
A: After lunch, I’d like to get together and talk about the project
you’re working on.
B: Mmhmm
A: Do you have any questions?
B: It’s all good.
Thursday, June 6, 13

14. Ambiguities
A: I need you to take this envelope and mail it.
B: Gotcha.
A: When you’re done, please pick up some lunch for me.
B: No worries.
A: After lunch, I’d like to get together and talk about the project
you’re working on.
B: Mmhmm
A: Do you have any questions?
B: It’s all good.
Thursday, June 6, 13
6

15. Colloquialisms
• It’s all good!
• Dope
• Fat (Phat)
• Stupid
• Radical*
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16. Collaboration
• Need two volunteers
• Everyone else get with a new partner
• Listen to the dialog
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17. How many?
• How many words/phrases are suspect?
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18. Script for Collaboration
A: Have you set up the meeting?
B: Not yet.You were supposed to send me the
background information.
A: Oh, right.You didn’t remind me.
B: When did it become my job to remind you?
A: Okay, okay.
B: Are you ready to run the meeting?
A:Yup. I’m revving up to drive them to the end!
Thursday, June 6, 13

19. Suspects
A: Have you set up the meeting?
B: Not yet.You were supposed to send me the
background information.
A: Oh, right. You didn’t remind me.
B: When did it become my job to remind you?
A: Okay, okay.
B: Are you ready to run the meeting?
A:Yup. I’m revving up to drive them to the end!
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5

20. Make a list
• Make a list of words/phrases that you hear
•
•
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every day that sound collaborative but are
not
Make a list of words/phrases that are used
in a collaborative environment, but are not
Trade lists with your partner

21. Collaborative versus...
• Wrong vs. I disagree
• Bad vs. Less effective
• Lazy
• Sloppy
• Ignorant*
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22. Behavior vs. ?
• Need two volunteers
• Everyone else get with a new partner
• Listen to the dialog
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23. Questions for you
• What are the facts?
• What are the assumptions?
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24. Script for Behavior
A:You didn’t say hello this morning.
B: True.
A: Why are you upset with me?
B: Why are you always so picky?
A: Wait. Are you being argumentative again?
B: What do you mean “again”?
A: In the meeting yesterday, you disagreed with me in front
of the team.
B: ARGH! You’re so sensitive!
Thursday, June 6, 13

25. Script for Behavior
A: You didn’t say hello this morning.
B: True.
A: Why are you upset with me?
B: Why are you always so picky?
A: Wait. Are you being argumentative again?
B: What do you mean “again”?
A: In the meeting yesterday, you disagreed with me in
front of the team.
B: ARGH! You’re so sensitive!
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6

26. Answers
• Facts/Behavior
•
•
Didn’t say hello
Disagreed in the meeting
•
•
•
•
upset
picky
argumentative
sensitive
• Assumptions
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27. Score yourself
• One point for each fact and assumption
•
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you got that matches my list
One point for each additional fact or
assumption that your partner agrees with :)

28. Behaviors vs.
Assumptions
• Observable == Behavior
• Did
• Said
• Not observable == Assumption
• Felt
• Thought
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29. Behavior vs. Motivation
• Late vs. Disrespectful
• Speaking Loudly vs. Mean, Angry,...
• Crying vs. Lonely, Sad, Miserable,
Frightened, Embarrassed,...
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30. Qualifiers
• Need two volunteers
• Everyone else get with a new partner
• Listen to the dialog
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31. Questions for you
• Which words are “qualifiers”?
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32. Script for Qualifiers
A: We’re pretty much ready for the client meeting.
B: Did you do the research?
A:Yes. We sort of did a survey of their prospective
customers.
B: Have you written up the results of the survey?
A: We kind of put together a - y’know - spreadsheet of the
results.
B: And a slide deck to present to them?
A:Yeah, pretty much.
B: Let’s go!
Thursday, June 6, 13

33. Script for Qualifiers
A: We’re pretty much ready for the client meeting.
B: Did you do the research?
A:Yes. We sort of did a survey of their prospective
customers.
B: Have you written up the results of the survey?
A: We kind of put together a - y’know - spreadsheet of
the results.
B: And a slide deck to present to them?
A:Yeah, pretty much.
B: Let’s go!
Thursday, June 6, 13
5

34. Qualifiers
•
•
•
•
•
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pretty much
sort of
kind of
y’know
pretty much

35. Score yourself
• One point for each fact and assumption
•
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you got that matches my list
One point for each additional fact or
assumption that your partner agrees with

36. More Qualifiers
• About
• Around
• Almost
• Basically
• Metaphorically
• Just
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37. Judgment
• Need two volunteers
• Everyone else get with a new partner
• Listen to the dialog
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38. Questions for you
• What are the facts?
• What are the assumptions?
• What are the trigger words?
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39. Script for Judgment
A: Where should we go to dinner tonight?
B: I dunno. What do you think?
A: How about Smith’s Barbecue?
B: That’s dumb. We went there last week.
A: How about Chico’s Tacqueria?
B: That sucks. The food is so greasy there.
A: Okay. I give up. Where do you think we should go?
B: Lame! You can’t think of more than two places to go?
Thursday, June 6, 13

40. Script for Judgment
A: Where should we go to dinner tonight?
B: I dunno. What do you think?
A: How about Smith’s Barbecue?
B: That’s dumb. We went there last week.
4
A: How about Chico’s Tacqueria?
B: That sucks. The food is so greasy there.
A: Okay. I give up. Where do you think we should go?
B: Lame! You can’t think of more than two places to go?
Thursday, June 6, 13

41. Questions
• What were the trigger words?
• Who was criticizing whom?
• What actually happened?
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42. Answers
• One point for each fact and assumption
you got right
Dumb
Sucks
Greasy
Lame
•
•
•
•
Thursday, June 6, 13

43. Control
• Need two volunteers
• Everyone else get with a new partner
• Listen to the dialog
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44. Questions for you
• What are the facts?
• What are the control-oriented words?
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45. 11
Script for Control
A: I think we should have a meeting about project status.
B: I agree. Who should run the meeting?
A:You should run it.You can drive them to the right
conclusion.
B: Okay. So I’ll be in charge of the meeting, and you’ll
support me.
A:Yes. I’ll be your “ringer”.
B: As the Project Manager, it’ll be my job to make sure
that the team gets their work done.
A:Yup.You’re the supervisor. I expect you’ll keep
them on track and keep the project on track.
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46. Score yourself
• One point for each key word/phrase you
got
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47. Walk About
• Pick a partner
• Walk and talk: what have you learned and
•
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what will you do with it?
Switch partners every 90 seconds

48. Walk About
• Pick a new partner
• Walk and talk: what have you learned and
•
Thursday, June 6, 13
what will you do with it?
Switch partners every 90 seconds

49. Walk About
• Pick a new partner
• Walk and talk: what have you learned and
•
Thursday, June 6, 13
what will you do with it?
Switch partners every 90 seconds

50. Walk About
• Pick a new partner
• Walk and talk: what have you learned and
•
Thursday, June 6, 13
what will you do with it?
Switch partners every 90 seconds

51. Sharing
• Please volunteer
• Share what any of your partners told you
they learned and what they’re going to do
with it
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52. Thank you!
Doc List
Vice President, Santeon Learning
Santeon Group
www.Santeon.com
Doc@Santeon.com
+1 512.924.9248
Thursday, June 6, 13