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TEXTCELESTEGOH&SIMWIEBOONImagesASYRAFLEE
CELEBRATING
DEAR OL’ DADFather’s Day is upon us again and so we’d like to pay tribute to that
fellow who’s always providing, consoling, motivating, reprimanding
and spurring us ahead through life. So here’s a look at a first-time dad,
an experienced father, a single father and one with the generosity to
become an adoptive dad.
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THE SINGLE
DadDinie Afiq Kammarudin
For most in their early 20s out there, things that occupy the time
would usually revolve around college course work, or perhaps even
a preview of the 9 to 6 blues as that precarious journey into the
working world begins.
But for 23-year-old Dinie Afiq Kammarudin, he’s living a completely
different kind of life altogether because of his three-year-old
daughter, Mia Danya Yasmine. And according to him, she is the
reason why he has taken a completely different outlook on life. And
you know what? That’s not always a bad thing.
“When I got her, I knew things would be different. I used to hang
out with my friends late into the night every day. But now with Mia
around, I certainly have to let go of certain things in my life. I can’t
just carry on with such frivolousness,” says Dinie. When he turned 20,
Dinie and his then girlfriend, who later became his wife, discovered
that she was already three months pregnant. “It was such a sudden
thing but even though we didn’t plan to have a child, I was actually
really happy to get the news! And when I first held Mia in my arms
at the hospital’s labour room, it was certainly one of the happiest
moments of my life thus far,” recalls Dinie with a smile.
But with fatherhood comes a ton of responsibility, and most might
see this as a huge turn off. Fortunately, Dinie himself grew up in an
environment that was always filled with (other people’s) children.
”I was always around a whole lot of nephews and nieces. I suppose
because of this, I’ve always wanted to have my own kid someday.
So when I got Mia, my only thought was what will the forthcoming
challenges be like for us,” he says.
Never seeing Mia as a burden, Dinie says that his daughter has
instead showed him the valuable difference between needing and
wanting something. “If I had the option, of course I wouldnt want
to grow old. But the fact is now, I have a kid and you immediately
become aware of the increased responsibilities that comes along
once this happens. It outweighs your own selfish needs and wants.
In the end, having Mia is certainly something that I need in my life,”
says Dinie.
And the past three years have just been amazing for Dinie. “Getting
to see her grow every single day is just something else! Even though
her mother and I are now seperated, I still try my best to ensure that
we’re both very close to Mia. I’d see Mia before I go to work, feed
her and sleep next to her whenever I get the chance. These are the
moments you’ll learn to cherish as you grow older. Fortunately, I get
to see her as often as I please, which is 4-5 times a week. Mia lives
with my ex-wife but she hasn’t imposed any rules about when I can
go see my daughter, nor is my ex particular about the amount of
time I spend with my little pride and joy. When I want to see Mia, I
just let the mom know and then I’ll go see her,” beams Dinie.
“My ex-wife and I are on good terms, even though things didn’t work
out between the two of us in the past,” he reveals as he reflects on
the importance of creating a positive environment for his child to
grow up in. But he knows there’s plenty of explaining to be done to
Mia regarding his relationship with her mother at one point in the
future. ”Right now, she might not feel anything because we’re all still
very close. But when she grows up, she might have something to
say about it, or feel weird about it, but I’m preparing myself for that
eventuality (laughs).”
According to Dinie, loads of help came from the wonderful support
crew comprising his family and friends. And this is something very
important for anyone going through fatherhood he adds. “A lot
of advice came from my family, and they’ve come to regard the
situation as new chapter in my life. I can’t just have fun all the time
anymore when there is someone at who needs love, food and shelter.
Sure, they were shocked at first but as time passes, they’ve slowly
warmed up to the whole situation. They know that I’m the type of
guy who will take full responsibility for my own actions, but they were
concerned anyway at first because I was so young. And I’ve never
seen myself as a scholarly type so right after high school, instead
of heading to college, I went straight into the workforce. I worked
a couple of sales jobs that thought me a lot. And with Mia around,
working no longer an option for me anymore. I have to earn a living
now because I have to provide for my family.”
And ithis responsible single father is also turning out to be a
young sage as well, as he ends things with a bit of advice: “I’m not
advocating marriage or otherwise, but any future father should think
about stability. If you want something as trivial as a new car, just
remember that even for something like that, there is a certain amount
of personal commitment attached to it. Sometimes, when you’re
young, you don’t take things seriously, but you have to. Don’t be afraid.
What you need to do is to see things through properly.”
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THE ADOPTIVE
DADHardy Arbi
Hardy Arbi never thought that he’ll ever be a father, let alone a
married man. Instead, he makes it very clear to everyone that he’s a
free spirited soul. Even so, his life changed the day his close friend (or
‘adopted sister’ as he likes to label her) asked him a very important
question. “My adopted sister’s brother knew someone who’s
pregnant and did not want to keep the baby. My adoptive sister then
asked me if I wanted to adopt the child, and knowing that a life could
be wasted otherwise, I immediately said that I want to keep him,”
recalls Hardy.
However, only after making that decision did the gravity of the heavy
responsibility attached to it finally sink in. “I started doubting if I made
the right decision. This it was just a week before the baby was due! I
was really scared. But the first time that I held Syawal (he was born
during the month of Syawal hence the name) in my arms, I was in tears.
I remember asking my adopted sister if I’m doing the right thing.”
But Hardy has always had a soft spot for children. “I developed this
after working closely with a couple of NGOs that help unlucky kids.
One’s known as Orphancare and they work to help find families and
homes for abandoned babies. The other organisation that I work
with is called Dr Bubbles – essentially an ensemble of clown doctors
who go to hospitals and entertain seriously ill children,” reveals Hardy.
After finally completing his own adoption, Hardy says that he
couldn’t be happier. “It’s a life changing moment when you have
a child. Now apart from being active with these NGOs, i would
consider myself a free soul. I travel a lot and stay up late. So after
adopting my son, there were some lifestyle changes to be made
personally. I remember one night he woke up about six times.
Sometimes he would wake up at 4am and not go to sleep until
9am, and it was difficult adapting to this. This happened for about
two weeks, and I was thinking that it was not the right decision for
someone like me to commit to this. But after a while, I really fell in
love with Syawal, adjusted my usual routine and I knew that he is a
blessing.”
Now, the 40-year-old knows that being a father is no walk in the
park. “Because I live alone, the first two weeks I had Syawal was
when I stayed at my adopted sister’s home and she taught me how
to change diapers and everything else, “ he says. “But of course this
couldn’t go on forever and I don’t want to employ a live-in maid. I
needed to look for the right kind of babysitter to take care of Syawal
while I’m working. In two months, I went through four or five different
baby sitters and still couldn’t find someone that I could really trust.
Then one day, a friend of mine introduced me to this motherly figure
looking to take care of children. So I decided to try her out, and to
make a long story short, this latest babysitter and her husband have
pretty much become Syawal’s adopted grandparents.”
“My own mom was also very supportive and she immediately came
to stay with me when Syawal was born,” recalls Hardy. He says that
his whole family adores Syawal and showers the kid with plenty of
love, and of course, many gifts! “The only problem is that they’re so
far away. It’s difficult for me to bring Syawal back to Sarawak where
my family lives because when you adopt a kid here in the Peninsular,
the documentation process is a little bit complicated so travelling
with him is a problem,” he says.
And now that Hardy has experience fatherhood for the past 9
months, he’s can safely say that his least favourite thing about the
whole affair would be changing of diapers, and having to wake up in
the wee hours! “But even so, all that just melts away when you come
back from work to see that smile of his and hear the laughter. That’s
easily the most favourite thing for me and it makes me glad that I
chose to be a father this way.”
But having had plenty of experience with NGOs, and being one to
adopt a child himself, Hardy says that the misconceptions attached
to adoption are slowly fading away these days. He thinks that many
people nowadays are more open to the idea of making sure that
these unwanted children are properly cared for, rather than being overly
concerned about where they actually come from in the first place.
Even so, although everything seems to be great for Hardy and
Syawal at the moment, the former’s greatest fear has been about
the questions that people will ask about Syawal’s origins in the future.
“I still don’t have the right answers for now,” he says, with a slight
jitter in his composure. “But what I am right now is also a hopeful
father.” Hardy goes on to say that he wants to teach Syawal to be
independent, while injection his own relaxed point-of-view on things
on the child’s personality. And most important of all, Hardy would
love for Syawal to have a great sense of humour.
And when Syawal finally grows up to be a man, Hardy has two
words that he hopes his son will take to heart: “Save lives.”
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THE NEW DADSyarul Reza
Obviously, we all remember our firsts. But for Syarul Reza, news
that his wife Shahirah’s pregnancy with their first daughter, Safa, was
certainly something to remember as it was part of a sticky situation
akin to being stuck between a rock and a hard place.
“Sha and I have been trying for two years, out of the five years we
were married, so when I got the call, I was trying so hard to suppress
my excitement amongst these strangers around me. In reality, I just
wanted to grab the person next to me and tell him about the good
news!” Syarul laughs, as he recalls the fateful day on a bus while on
the way to work. “Everyone around me must have thought I was hav-
ing a seizure or something!”
It has been one year and eight months since little Safa came into the
world, and into the lives of the delightful couple. Incidentally, Syarul
is also the lead vocalists for the local music collective, Lab the Rat.
Not only that, he also sings with the more established local band
Love Me Butch. So since becoming a new dad, it has been a rat
race of sorts for Syarul to juggle his time between being a dedicated
husband and dad, performing at his day job, and his commitments
with not one but two bands. All this, while trying not to miss even a
second of Safa growing up!
Syarul used to work late hours before Safa came into the picture,
but after the first six months since she came into this world, he has
come to the conclusion that whilst the day job pays the bills, at the
end of the day, work is still just work. Spending quality time with his
family definitely trumps everything else, even though ironically, it’s to
provide for the family he so treasures.
“People have said that I shouldn’t just want to be a father, I should
also be a dad. A ‘dad’ is more hands on while a ‘father’ just a title.
And a ‘dad’ is what I try my best to be with Safa,” Syarul says. “She is
growing up so fast, and she’s always curious about the things around
her. Ultimately, you’d want to educate your child the best way that
you know how to. You want to set a good example for her, you want
to project positivity for her benefit, and you want to be with her
every step of the way.”
Fortunately for Syarul and Sha (she also sings in Lab the Rat, inci-
dentally), band practice priorities never conflict with spending time
with Safa, as the little girl loves the music her mom and dad makes.
Safa enjoys being around the band, which also consists of Syarul’s
siblings Syaril and Syaiful, when they’re jamming in the studio. Some-
times, she would even try to sing along! It also helps tremendously
that the band is basically, and literally, a close-knit family in more ways
than one!
“Someday, we do hope that Safa will grow up to be a respectful,
kind and above all, sensible person,” Syarul says. “We’ve been very
blessed to have such an intelligent daughter, and we hope that the
company and environment we surround her with will help her in
becoming the person that we wish her to be one day.”
“But, of course, it may be a different story if we bring her along to
hang around this metal band that I also sing for,” he adds with a
laugh. “Safa would probably get very confused during our jamming
sessions! She’ll probably be thinking, ‘Why is daddy so angry? He’s
usually so calm at home!’”
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THE HIPPIE DADDr Wan Zawawi Ibrahim
Once it begins, fatherhood just doesn’t stop now does it? And after
being a father himself for more than 30 years, social activist, musician
and scholar Dr Wan Zawawi Ibrahim knows this all too well. “Even
after they pursue their own careers, get married and start a family of
their own, you’d still want to be a part of your kids’ lives,” admits the
good doctor. “I suppose fatherhood only truly ceases when you leave
this world.”
Dr Wan now lectures at the University of Brunei Darussalam, while
his eldest son – Rendra (seen in the picture with his dad) – is cur-
rently completing his second degree over at the Berklee College of
Music in Boston, Massachusetts in the U.S. Meanwhile, two of Dr
Wan’s younger but grown up children, Hameer and Kaisha, are both
happily residing in Petaling Jaya. Even so, the Professor of Sociology
and Anthropology still makes it a point to be as involved as he can in
his children’s lives to this day.
In spite of having their own separate households, the members of
this family still make it a point to meet up on a monthly basis. And
when this happens, it’s off to dinner together at a favorite Japa-
nese restaurant. Dr Wan also stresses that communication with his
children continues on a daily basis, thanks to modern day technology
that’s at everyone’s disposal nowadays.
During his recent return to Malaysia from his studies in Boston,
Rendra too spent the duration of his summer holidays at home with
his family. And when Dr Wan had a conference to attend over in
Chiang Mai, Thailand a couple of months ago, a family holiday be-
came a side agenda and he got to spend quality time with his family
in between his meetings there.
“So long as some form of communication is ongoing with my chil-
dren, distance has never been a problem for me. In fact, I think having
some distance between us is a good thing. This is because we tend
to be too familiar with one another when I’m around, and because
of that, my family tends to take me for granted,” Dr Wan concludes.
“Someday, I won’t be around for them anymore, and with me being
away for long durations because of work, it does prepare my children
for the eventual ‘independence’ from me.”
Indeed, the spirit of independence has long been instilled into Dr
Wan’s children from a very young age. He and his wife believe in
negotiation rather than imposition when it comes to raising their
children. They have always encouraged the children to talk to them
when it comes to planning out their lives, where each party bring
to the table of discussion their opinions on the matter at hand, and
meet each other halfway for a resolution to any issues.
Yet, in spite of the freedom given by the doctor to his children to
pursue any form of discipline in their studies – Rendra first took up a
Degree in Civil Engineering, and Hameer recently graduated with a
First Class Honours in Game Development – at the end of the day,
through some miraculous pull (or even genetics), their passion for life
has gravitated the family back to the one thing Dr Wan has always
shared with his children – music; every single one of them ghosting
after their father’s steps in becoming prolific singer/songwriter types
in the local music circuit.
“These are memorable highlights in my life, especially when my
children start writing their own music. They’d get excited about what
they’ve composed, and would run up to me to share whatever that
they’ve come up with,” says Dr Wan proudly with a big smile on his
face. “Whenever I’m around, and my children have a gig lined up, I’ll
be there, front and centre to see them perform. Sometimes, I’d even
join in and perform with them!”
You could say that happiness is the ultimate gift that Dr Wan wishes
upon for his children, as they continue on in life. That, and of course,
the many other values that Rendra, Hameer and Kaisha have grown
up with while living under the same roof with their father: generosity,
humanity, kindness and open-mindedness.
“I’d like to consider myself as a rather cosmopolitan person, and I
believe that it’s good to have an open-minded view and lifestyle,
especially when we’re living in a multicultural country like Malaysia.
I’m glad that after all these years the value of non-segregation has
become a part of their lives. I can see that they are incorporating it
into their everyday routine – they make friends easily, and they even
bring their friends home to us for makan-makan!” says Dr Wan with
a hearty laugh.
