Domingo Shayleane J

SHAYLEANE JOURNAL 61

Shayleane
(Earnestly
Brainbustin’
On Acting)
Journal 61
November 8 to
November 25, 1996
Artist,Actress, Woman & Person
Shayleane Loy
[Severina Bambina Poverina]

Page 0 of 65


(personal names that have been altered to protect the privacy of persons are marked with an asterix * !)

Page 1 of 65


Nov 8, 1996 (…about 4 am)

…just two weeks ago I had to get up at this time;
now my body appropriated (for itself) its’ favorite schedule […sleeping 4 am to 12.00 noon];
-------

◊ Ɵ ∞

(technical) virtuosity
has to be contentually contained
(…go and do five pirouettes…, but have a ‘reason’…, music…, you know…)
--
relaxation is exact to moment ---

..if shyness is
withdrawal & hostility
…then relaxation is ‘giving’, friendly…

Nov 8, 96
..more than anything
I want to be involved..; …living; …’part of’…;
---
that’s why I would have loved to do the student-movie that one of my room-mates arranged for me to audition
for;…from 250 people it was down to ‘three’, and I felt the director would have almost gone for me; but, it’s just that
the last meeting was arranged out of the blue, that day;
..I had worked, slept only three hours and had had lots of coffee; ...I was beyond my wit
Nov 11
…was nervous and apathetic at the same time…; …my instrument was “dull” to me...as such,
or numb;
non-responsive as instrument and
the veneer of the bluff was punctured…

..you know, ...gotta keep up the “cool”, …the “being part of”, the ‘fitting into the role’ required
(“talent” that can cut it for the director, hip starlet, ‘down-to-earth-can-sit-down-with-over-coffee-and-level-with-
actress-or-actor-which-takes-her-work-and-the-director’s-serious-and-is-earnestly-work-engaged…’ got it)
{ ..only way I can cope with it is calling it ‘bluff’,...that way I can cut it, fancy it}
[kid, maybe that’s it, you can probably ‘do it all’ by terming it “bluff”, rather
than ‘stanislavskian IF’...]

Page 2 of 65


it’s the same “cool”, “bluff”, “veneer” that ‘woman’ needs as woman, in relationship to a man;
here/now…of this city, ...this urban community,...this strata of society…

...that savy-to-the-ways-of-a-group-or-culture-kind-of-thing
(‘culture’ ..or…: ‘place’,
‘relationship’, ‘situation’, ‘event’)

…no matter who you are inside, …you gotta pull it off (on the outside), - and
that’s what I’m talking about;
...as long as your inner fears…etc…are...contained ‘within’ an outer “bluff”, “cool”, ”integrity”
(i.e.: status, position, savvy ….‘filling-of-a-spot’, “role”,…you know what I mean…)
you’ll be fine;
___
…but, watch out for
…(as soon as)...the containing veneer (personality [persona]) is ...cracking …,

then you can be in big trouble;

because,
…when your inner insecurities deride your rightful ‘placement’ in a group or society…etc..,
people (in this case the student movie’s director) loose confidence in the appropriateness of your placement into a
certain position
(one, for instance, that they have to fill…)

…that’s what you have to convince them of…, that
your ‘placement’ into a certain position, role… (responsibility, perks…)...is lawful [legitimate];

{that’s what you’ve felt uncomfortable with...in the past,...even in your acting-school - relative to
moving ‘up’ within that ‘system/hierarchy’;..you just didn’t “go along” with the‘bluff’,
with the ‘outer validation accorded’;
felt inner apprehension to assume a role of more ‘validated accomplishment’}

…rightful
appropriate
‘just’,
feasible,
…to be ‘wished for’,
...advisable… etc..

Page 3 of 65


...often, you don’t’ have to work that hard; it is ‘assumed’...and you’re treated accordingly;
…all you have to do is behave ‘exact’ (or ‘according’) to the status conferred upon you
(implicitly);
…and when you’re not getting what you deserve, well,
…then you push your case ever so gently, yet firmly,…intently and smartly;

….you need to then avail yourself of your powers regarding the proper direction of
others’ impressionability…
- through your consummate skill in
handling the codes,signals,keywords that trigger
other’s impressions toward this or that way of ‘seeing’ something
(the impression we get from this or that….i.e.: we’ve come to
see it this or that way because of…)

{and as an actress, the direction of the ‘push’ may go any sort of ways (that is,... into any kind of direction)…}
[what it is that you want to convey];

so… (particularly as a ‘woman’, - …needing diplomacy to survive)
it’s less about aggressively, explicitly, asserting your case (pushing it overtly),
it’s more about ‘moving and shaking’ things behind the scenes;

…about making it appear as if you wouldn’t necessarily have anything to do with it,
yet doing all you need(to)…so
it becomes generally apparent and a matter of fact;…that this is how people should treat you (because of a, b and c),

that this is (the armor of status that’s yours’; ‘ring-pass-not’, weapon ~
w h a t e v e r that may be, by the way…
– as an actress that-could be…in any which way…!)

..that that is… ‘where it’s actually at’…!;

…you know; ...people do take their cues from that;
- initially, when people don’t know you…, they’re looking for all kinds of cues for how they should be treating you
there;
(there may be lots of fault or default in their assumptions, but it may have a lot to do with the ‘vibe’ you’re giving
off…)
they define themselves, then, in how they treat you,
...they seek to find where they stand relative to you…

Page 4 of 65


and (they) try to figure out what they are to you,...and what you are relative to them...and how best to express that
{… (grasp) - comprehension of ‘relation-relative-to’}

they try to figure out the behavioral signals you send about your worth, for instance;
…you may ‘come across’ like ‘a million dollars’ even if you’re a simple “lucky-go-‘round”
… (just) as you, then, may come across like a ‘shrinking violet’ or like a ‘gutter-kid’ when, in fact, you’re a ‘princess’…
(or a ‘rose’, as the case may be)…, compris ?

…we know about how ‘expecting to be treated in a certain way’ often elicits the response ‘held out’ for…;
there’s usually a certain harmony between expected and delivered; they feed each other;
the margin of disturbance of that harmony is always sought to be kept to a minimum;
the actor can exploit that, yet should also be able to extricate him/herself from falling into that trap (him or
herself);

….powerful ‘movers and shakers’ know how to manipulate that…,
and the very strong ones know also how to stop short manipulation that aims to entangle them (‘Nicholson’ as actor
{thinking of ‘Witches of Eastwick’}; Severino*…);

- it’s like a martial arts discipline;
you can stop another’s hit and turn around the energy the other way…;

it’s simply merely up to your skill and presence of mind…etc.;
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
so you can capitalize on most people’s low sense of comfort when they’re messing up the harmonious
‘back-and-forth’ between ‘expectation’ and ‘delivery’;

…..yet stars are able to contain the dis-comfort;
they can take it (suffer it);
- take the suspense and awkwardness that their discordant delivery/response is creating (delivery
discordant to the expectation [that] you{as the performer} ...perceive others to have brought forth to you….);

when others are very ‘set’ to treat you in a certain way (as they usually are wont to do,…with young girls
…, for instance [ here we have it both…, the young and the femaleness of the sex]
.
…- it is often quite a heavy dosage of ’dispensed dis-cordance’ from you (your part)
that will force them to re-adjust their attitude ( & behavior) towards you;

you need to be attuned;…be able to know when to drop the bomb (of discordance) and
when to let it sink in and wait for the results...to turn your way;

Page 5 of 65


[(on) how to become a goddess]
(…and then ‘take it’, accept it, assume it; don’t fend it off or freak)

– let them come to you; you don’t budge;

if anybody has any substantial kind of interest in you
(and that is the only kind of interest you’d be interested in), they’ll bend your way;
never, ever
do anything that your self-esteem doesn’t strictly feel right about;
you’ll only hurt the flawlessness of ‘the veneer of intact-ness’ which gives you the power to
have other people bend your way…
(the rite of bending before royalty..may symbolize that power of the monarch,
which once should have been real, …to bend others their way;
- power to guide, direct, lead ! )
___________________

explore how to use “turn-around” when confronting authority and (when you’re)
wanting to turn around the expectations (that) they bring forth to you;

(usually you want to turn around negative expectation…or neutral one …into favorable bias;…but
do remember,for a stranger to bring forth negative expectation…you’ve had to work quite hard at it;)
.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. … .. .. ..
…have to proceed with caution and with advisement;

explore especially
how to deal with a situation where you’re confronting an authority that’s mis-using their power;

….or any situation in which a ‘powerful’.…uses their power against you;

confrontation with a powerful threat to you;

….and the ‘works’:

….- fear
your own fear…
their bravado….
……your impressionability;

Page 6 of 65


the opportunities that seem to present themselves to me
so I can learn about actual impact;
- impact beyond words -…beyond talking about something…;
impact;
…
‘’’[that’s what it comes down to;
-‘that’ defines the meaning …(which) …a situation finally takes on;
——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——-
..attracted to men that seem to point that out to me,
…not explicitly,but
simply through how they interact with me;….

they’re wise to the bottom-line of action;
( what it comes down to…)
____________________________________________________
November 12, ‘96

what things remain to mean after all the talk (the hype) about them is over….

the thrust an action gives to the way things are…..,

or better,
…the thrust an action gives to the things
(and)
the way they end up being…

….what something comes ‘down’ to be…
through the action taken

what an action makes a thing out to be (to end up being)
_______________
it’s about sinking down (way down below…)
to where we are very much right at the pulse;
…where we can apprehend (instantly “figure”)
-…..measure….-
what’s needed;
or
what an action will make out things to be in the end…etc..;

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it’s a sense of it..from within it; from out of it;
it is not “about” it, above it;
…the sense itself is inherently figural;

it’s the figurality itself that deems,
considers,
figures,
weighs,
evaluates,
…’ appreciates’…in terms of its’ own evaluations
(figural evaluations)
, standards
Nov 13, 96
…I think it’s most important for a true artist to know that things have a beingness to them that’s real and there,
quite aside (of) what is being talked about;

talk (and hype)
can be completely irrelevant to the beingness (strong thereness; presence) of things…;

even if something is not acknowledged in talk,…it may even so be there, present…,just as strong,… and…completely
aside from whether it is or isn’t acknowledged in talk
( …minorities, Afro-Americans, women…)
…that is the power of what is
(i.e.: Morgan Freeman in ‘Seven’)
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
‘is-ness’ in itself carries “presence”

…from ’ is-ness’,..-.presence -
..there’s a certain space/time (moment) already inherently conceded to it…and
that already is dynamite, power

…if you own, embrace that,…sink into it…and take space and time from what is already conceded to you of them
(bit by bit, step by step)
…., provide that is-ness with further license,…concession, credit, position, status,
….you can see the new landscape (or the new view of the landscape) from the new vantage-point;
___

Muse !

Page 8 of 65


commentary” that refers, packages,
sells, promotes…(PR), goes ‘to town’ (this is Hollywood)… as it relates to
(and interacts with)
real ‘is-ness’,
…- presence; …beingness, - thereness…
...intra-psychically (all within a person/self-hood)
-.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..
musing, speculating, meditating, groping…;
.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..
…draws out things from’ is-ness’ and sells them

goes” to town” with them…;
puts the spotlight on them;
puts them into (‘relieve’,span.) relief [exposition]
- draws emphasis on it
…or from it ???
muse muse muse
∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞
‘is-ness’ is already p o w e r;
the more you stand by an ‘is-ness’,…the stronger its’ presence is re-enforced;
any
presence
is a force (it is already incontestably there)

it can by force of its’ sheer ‘thereness’…
draw to it
(power of attraction caused by high-integrity closed circuit)

it can incorporate into its’ “already there”...- bodyliness

…and since it can incorporate (ingest),
…it can digest…and go on and change;

…“live” the change (that) it goes through…as a result of having ‘incorporated’
(taken into the bodyliness…, mingled its’ bodyliness with its’ own…, [- what results ?])
something;
-----

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… ’mine’ is strong willfulness, that proudly turns a high-up-nose to others;

it’s ‘isolating’ from others; - sealing (me) off from ‘involvement’/engagement;

….anger…., - the angry stance… is “don’t fuck with me”;
and so
….to “take something else in ”…and deal with it
…,without giving up the integrity of one’s being,…without giving up that which makes you your own whole-ness to
yourself, …your own person,…
is taxing, stressful, confrontational….in a good way (and is something you have to lead yourself toward);
challenging !

.…in other words,…
the ligaments (that are) holding together (containing) the “integrity”…
are boxed out, stressed, pushed out from within,
- ...your identity will have to re-define itself relative to this ‘otherness’
[the fabric of containment (identity) stretched…];

….when something ‘other’ is prodding at you,…confronting you,
and
you look ‘face to face’ [ with /to it ]
without (like I said) .…giving up the integrity which makes up you ,
...you are ( ‘staying’ with it, with the entire-ness of your ‘numen’-osity)
in the …(possibly painful)
process of “happening”, responding,
….changing,
….. being ‘in relation’,
.…’living’…__ __ ___ __

….you really own yourself and the impact that another’s ‘relating’ (..really, organically…) to you
.…(has/) had on that self ;

…you own the scar-ing (if you want to put it that way,…negatively),
…or the ‘con-decorating’,
consecrating.
...that the ‘other’ is effecting upon you;

Page 10 of 65


identity is a ‘live’ thing;…
…its’ boundaries get strong only through ever-new tests to it,…challenges to it..that are met;
- everongoing work of re-defining identity in the face of ‘other’
(moment to moment;…’living’ thing; …breathing, .…relational kind of interactive process;

…see how affected I am by relationality, (authors note: term refers to the term used in ‘Wellesley Colleges
“Writings from the Stone Center”- term used in context of Women’s Studies, end note insert)
...( how affected I am)... by ‘moment-to-moment’
, ..by interaction from ‘what is actually there’;
.…by stripping ‘is-ness’ from hype and ‘engaging’ from what we’ve got
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(…just saw Sidney Pollack appearing on TV for ‘Actor’s Studio’{Bravo Television Channel} – segment…and re-inforced
that); - he’s flaunting his realness;…jeez,don’t want him to talk about me the way (that) he talked about ‘
Meryl Streep - the Great’;
-…talking about her, people often appear to me to be conceding what/how immaculate and
‘solid’ of an actress she is
.…(‘but’, they seem to hint [at] ’what else?’
.…and it’s not that anyone says anything, ,…- what’s not said...is what I’m wondering about…?!;)
anyway,
...he knows about ‘moment-to-moment’ and what you get from it;
…so anyway,...
(by the way, again I have no money today;…stalker still on my back; security deposit for this place…- still to be paid);
__________
…gotta lead yourself toward confronting others without surrendering souvereignity over your own territoriliality;

…your way of warfare is to skirt the issue;
you become a squirmy, fishy enemy;….can’t be pinpointed;.…slip out of the enemy’s thongs
(…also: interactor is not the enemy; …partner to relate with and to…)

..you’re not doing yourself a service this way;

it’s the souvereignity that has got to stay there,…be there,..keep it up;

stay present and ‘stand’ being the ‘souvereign’ over the entire body of integtrity ( territoriality)

…that makes up the bodyliness of you;

.…where your identity shows, has a body, can be gotten to;

and... there you stand your ground;

Page 11 of 65


- ….sure, it will force you to, ..in some way, make concessions,
…make space…,
‘give up’ some,…or ‘give in’ some…,
but you also continue to be there as an identity;

the profile of that identity may have changed a bit, but it’s basically ‘it’;

- there;
- adjusted to new conditions
- up to date

- in the picture

also,
….headline in the paper (…’The Mirror’….’Daily Mirror ….or sort of):..

‘SEVEN YEARS AFTER THE FALL OF THE WALL’

.. .me standing at news-stand across from my acting-studio,
looking at its’ site with its’ white walls….;’ …musing….
. ...’seven years behind these walls’…, ‘within these walls’;
it seems unbelievable…
…time…
and what use I made of it…,
or …
what I allowed it to make of me, do with me;

…to ‘live ’ a time,

(the) time…
-….to not close myself up/out/off from it…;

….to form, fashion, shape (the) time…. through my engaging/ engagement
.…pattering of time
(the pattern I paint in time…)

….vivify….animate….imbue (...time….)
with life…

- life as fuel upon which one learns, grows, changes…

Page 12 of 65


“In ” the zone /
….to live a time,
..to make time come alive in the/through ‘giving oneself to something’ (dedicating..)
for a while…;
.…over a period of time;
going through it,
...with it;

….absorbed in the moment,….by ‘what makes up the moment’;

..and there is always something that makes up a moment….;
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
….was thinking ...that...if I audition to join said ‘Actor’s-Space’, ...how ‘bout picking the scene I was working on in class
?

….and then:
...it’s not what you’re ‘looking at’ (ie. in terms of ‘scenery’)
with your (‘engagement of imagination)-CHOICE
(term here used as acting-technique specific),

….it’s [ that] ‘the way you click’…(should) be specific !!
. ...or..’particular’
to something !

….that it elicits ‘you’ !

November 15, 1996
….in the same way that the r e a l thing would elicit you;…
...consider….the kind of absorption (or ‘distraction’) that it would provide you with
….to spin your ‘train-of-thought’ from…;
….bounce your thinking off from…(play [up] against);

- the interaction (that) you can spin (up) ….between ‘It’ (what you see, feel, hear…etc..)
and what you’re thinking about….
(ie; between imaginary engagement/- elaboration and
‘lines- of- the- script ’ and
thoughts {ar} rising from them);
_____

Page 13 of 65


….keep yourself interactionally “oiled”;
place yourself into situations….wherein the ability of your ‘standing up’/ ‘uprightness/ integrity/presence
can meet challenge, so that it can undergo test(-ing) and
uprightness can be reasserted
(uprightness of identiy…with its’ bodyliness); amidst all sorts of challenges
(threats brought forth to your ‘entire’-ness, unity, oneness, uprightness…that it can meet and assert itself (up)
against…);
_____________________________

Emancipation on the most basic level,..or ‘the most basic of emancipations’;
- unshrink yourself (de-compress) to a full-rounded whole presence…(integrity, stature...);

…all yours’
…..all ‘yourself’ ‘
…and maintain that presence upright-ly in the face of ‘challenge of any sort’;

before any kind of threat….your first task ( and, perhaps, ‘all’ that you really need to pay attention to…and do) is to
uphold the full-rounded wholeness of
presence that’s’ yours’ !

…realize…that’s power in itself; just to keep being there;

be right there -

….others win when you give up that birthright of yours’, which is to
fully occupy the time/space that your bodyliness provides you with….;

…your challenge is to fill the
blue-print bodyliness of your identity (presence)

...with actual existence

….gathering together the entireness of your numenosity here/now…;
(have the numenosity of who you are be present (!) all the time)

- keep up the “thereness”,
- degree of presence…

(light-dimmer switch )

Page 14 of 65


--
also, in context of this, think of what you read about yesterday;
….someone talking in some paper (an Acting-trade-paper, I believe…)

about ‘outside/in’ approach to “crying on cue”

…and…setting that up as (a) dialectic to ‘Strasberg’s method’ which that guy said would be ‘inside/out’ (organically
getting to it);

….the ‘bullshit semantics’ about ‘anti-Strasberg-camp’…etc…aside
- (because…I don’t think Strasberg was necessarily “dead-set” on ‘inside/out’;
- ‘outside/in’ is just as much part of his work;- ie: physicalization(s)
[ enacting/’acting-out’ experience] is intrinsically also a part of his work, I’d say;
- anything that ultimately seeks to affect the involvement/engagement of

‘truthful-ness’ or ‘substance’ in a/the’physicalization’

is one thing; - the same thing !
_____________________________________________________
….anyway, semantics and power-struggles, power-trips and weird-political-too-much-for-me propaganda aside
(way over my head,.-.as in ‘prior-generational’ -genesis…; like.. ‘Strasberg’ , ‘Adler’, ‘Meisner’ , ‘Hagen’etc..):
.…things I was thinking:
--------- Inside/out
Outside/in

- masochism: .…restraints put on outer, physical body;

.…a body being held upright, even against its’ own

‘shrinking-into-itself-impulse’;

….aren’t those things needed by a person who depends on that kind of outside/in
engagement (involvement) of her person/self –hood ?

it’s almost as if she has a hard time erecting/extending her ‘lively’ ‘bodyliness’,

uprightness thereness,presence)
{also: .…bodiliness rising out of her own responsiveness }

out of her own live impulse

[her engagement needs to be courted by massive outside/in prodding; relational mode] .

Page 15 of 65


….it’s as if her live life-impulse on its’ own
does… not have the chutzpah (bounce, resilience, confidence, assertiveness)
to “outer” physicalization-power;

her ‘truth-of-responsiveness’...or real ‘impetus’ lacks the assertion ,
/(the) basic ‘making-a-statement’ -power to usher into [/materialize into]
‘outer’ physicalization
{expression},
presence/thereness

(coiled in ?)
….that comes out of itself and is an externalization of the self’s inner life-impulse
(…ie: eros…chi...elemental-organic-archaic ‘life’ ?
. …like, ‘is there life on Mars ?...or Venus, to put it more “fittingly” ?’)

. . . it’s as if the life-impulse is short of structure, spine, erectile live tissue
that can stand itself up to its’ whole bodyliness…,
vibrant of responsiveness..;

.…which is why it is completely dependent on artificially “put there” structure,

that will give it (ensure) some “hold”, containment, ….‘ladder’
…so that it can “come” forth out of itself (like lava)
upon it,
relative to it,coo-ed out by it;

[even if structure is imaginary…., for instance when fantasizing about being tied up.…or when doing an acting-
exercise { ie: sense-memory of the Method }..., it still needs to be firmly grounded]

…’outside/in’ engages her ( also makes sense for a woman, doesn’t it ? )

…makes her responsive….

….could one say that inside/out might pose a problem in this context ?
- what about man/woman ? {what about ‘male star-student/pupil DC *’ (in acting class)
…what about me ? (the ‘golden boy-child [him] and the fallen angel [me] )}
______

Page 16 of 65


also, …was fine with my exercises for Severino* until we got to the ‘specific-choice-for-overall-body-sensation-
exercise’ ( for instance.…’cold’ , ‘heat’); .…what about it and what about the exercises before it ?
( - simple everyday-life physical object; -psycho-physical-engagement –elicitation-honing-tactile-sense-
specifically’-exercise {ie: three ‘textures’})
…I mean, in terms of inside/out…outside/in…? M U S E ! ! !
_________________________
....where does power lie in outside/in ?

….once there’s response (do I mean power/energy of self ?)
.…to allow response to rise to its’ full size
….and to ‘take it from there’;

….to walk, dance from there…

….to become an entirely new thing from there…

_____________________

maybe once that you’ve learned what it feels like to have been engaged, involved viscerally,
really,
…,.you’ll figure how ‘inside/out ’ would do it…
( and what is sex, …and masturbation, for instance,
as an aspect of its’ expression ?
is it not ‘inside/out ’,...though the ‘physical stimulation’- part of it may be ‘outside/in ’ ?)

…it’s not so clean-cut;….it’s both and each…..
…………………………………………………………………..

….boiling water ~

...water is contained in pot and... so it goes through the different temperatures…
and….how it responds.
…is ‘contained’…
- would it not be…, we could never obtain ‘boiling’ water,;
same goes for you,
.…and water may not even do all that much;
all containment may accomplish is that it keeps staying there;
the heat that acts upon it then does the rest, and
because the water has stayed,.…is still there...
….the heat does something interesting to it;
…I mean, it’s boiling; ...it is boiling water;

Page 17 of 65


same goes for you !
(….and see how the boiling water binds my dehydrated split-pea soup flakes ?)
____
….all the interesting qualities you can obtain with the clay that YOU are,
…..with the you-ness that you are,…..are easy to get to once you both….
- develop ‘upright-fully-rounded-out-whole-thereness; wholeness of presence’
….and... - contain that wholeness….

…muse…

- ”upright thereness”
and

…. - ”containment”….

muse
....how (do) you obtain your full-size thereness through containment …..?....

and

…how containment is a by-product of having a full-size “thereness”

….…’there’ to contain things…;

….presence gives the fabric in which things can be contained…
- -- -- --
….naturally,… .without you doing much for it…..;

they are just naturally retained in the fabric, the way a sponge naturally retains fluids.
…until you express them advisedly…

do keep in mind that what’s not expressed still soaks the sponge and permeates it with its’ quality
(Zoom….)…..will be picked up by ‘you know what’
____ ___ ___ ___ ___

….the most delectable flowers to rear up...are often the ones that shrink…
----
when something’s going on with you, ‘in’ you,…and it’s most “tender”,… you’re most likely to draw ‘in ’ on its’ impulse,
.…to be drawn in (riding on it), . .
…by it;
( in-version of responsive trail,…per-version)

Page 18 of 65


your wholeness (sounds like ‘your holiness’)
is
drawn in
…on the center (of suction) of it;
-----
. …and precisely those ones...are the ones (that) you have to grow against their grain;

( feel like a great painter-artist who mixes his oil-paint, for
instance his ‘cobalt blue’ ,from scratch;
gotta mix your own colors; can’t buy them pre-fab..)

….if you keep up ‘presence’, thereness, voice-breath

….and play them out outside , ... ‘there’

…they’ll be wonderful “colors” for you to give off

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………...
ie: vulnerability…when drawn i n s i d e / o u t (ie….like you roll up socks…)

is dynamite !

it will form a bodyliness for you,… all of its’ fabric, and it will put you on the map (you’ll find your spot)
….like all those un-externalized (ok,…’internalized’) impulses…drawn out …will (!!)

...it’s like a knot;...you carefully draw all those indrawn impulses out and let them fulfill themselves beyond self;
then….they’ll be your bankability;

they become bankable; (12 $ million a pic…at least, kid….)
…”only then” (…just had a ‘flashback’ to the line in ‘phantom of the opera’….♪ ’only then’ ‘will you belong to me’….♪ ♪)
…only then can we see where they’ll take us; but, they will carry you on,..somewhere, and

...it will provide you with consolidation of a spot on the map (a spot appropriate to who you are),
….like anything that you give off….and that can be ‘seen’, ‘touched’, ‘taken issue’ with
...will do !

Page 19 of 65


...takes courage…
…but, at the same time… (that) you can break inside,….bleed within….
if there’s an ‘upright thereness’
(your very own full rounded presence) to contain it
.…you’ll boil,…but, ….you’ll ‘fuse’ more strongly;
.…become like Excalibur;
….(it’s) about…coming out of your shell;
------
….you know…like when you get your voice/breath/self to be ’there’..,
(give it a ‘physical’ center…, physicalize its’ con-centration’ to a point );
[con-centrate it and have it be “there”, on the map ….outside….; self at where it opens up from…]
…and when that strong ‘thereness’ keeps being there…, as you go through the tender, fluctuating up and downs..,

you’ll get all these colors to be drawn out,…’there’,…;

…voice avails itself of bodyliness (of your selfhood)….and keeps firmly grounded in it.
..and yet….up/out…’there’;
powerful stuff…

(the “thereness” is the discipline of it !!!)
------------
- “relaxation”;

…went dancing to club last week;
…spine;
felt ‘high’ without having had a drink…, just by virtue of loosening up
…after 30 minutes of dancing or so…., did me good;

…letting go from where the ‘hold’, center-of-holdback is…,

freedom,

Page 20 of 65


. . . . . . loosening tightness…;

M U S E…..

- center of hold-back……
- center of containment….

.-release……

-let go…;

.…loosening the grip so that the impulse from within can rise freely…

Inside/out

…it’s only confusing when approached from the mind;
keep priorities straight, instinct open;
_____________________

Page 21 of 65


when watching fragile actress that powerfully makes her inner feelings be there

… it’s ‘w o w’;

also,
..it gives credence (credibility/legitimacy) to that’

taboo-ed’ ... inner brood….;
it gives it a place, space, time;

…a ‘consolidated’ (?) spot;
it gets acknowledgement, acceptance, visibility;
-------- ------ ----
- it becomes a new ‘profile’, ‘image’ ….for people to identify with
…(myth, archetype);

it adds to the pool of qualities….

…by raising something to a level of ‘presence’, ‘thereness’, visibility,
….high-profile-exposure (position) ...that’s at a par [level] with
validated qualities and configurations ,or….with qualities and configurations on that level…,
.that have been highly validated (wether with acclaim or with disdain;.…wether with acclaim or
not…!)
we introduce a new god(dess) into the olymp
(archetype, myth);

…introducing something new unto a level where certain ‘other’ (ie. ‘male’, or ‘male-defined’) qualities have
dominated the terrain (a challenge to ‘predominant’ qualities…) and one of the most fundamentally revolutionary
(subversive,…powerfully impacting) things to do is to simply bring something to that level of “thereness”, “presence”,
…full-bodied(erection)
……………... - extension, visibility;

and, believe it or not, it’s on that very insidious drawback (which it is) that women have literally faltered in
(unto) themselves…and receded from presence;

…it’s oppression internalized (self-binding oppression);

(to ‘toe the line’…as it were…at one with conformity,…never to venture or peek beyond it…
- we end up doing this…all on our own..even then/when…’that’ might (have) become highly inappropriate; when
it might (have) become something we do against, perhaps, the better advisement/judgement of a higher-point-of-
insight/vantage-point; against a more lucid appraisal of the situation which might give us ‘hints’ as to how
inappropriate that stance might have become at one or the other point…(it usually takes many ‘betrayals’ to get to
that point..,I wager…);

Page 22 of 65


…with our ‘tails between the legs…(as if shell-shocked into perpetual trauma)…
_____________
…how will people react to a woman that will have learned to erect herself to the fullness of her size ? …to the
wholeness of her (thwarted, inverted…and then straightened)…presence ?
…someone who will have straightened out her incoiled presence and stretched it beyond the point it was shamed
behind…(or…below of..)…?

…short of…

…the point before which the full extension of her presence stops short (of)…

..the point before which her presence draws in…[?]

…the point beyond which…her presence doesn’t dare take time/space (..to venture)
beyond of…?

- unless she (‘he’,‘it’…?) is in a position of being able to physically afford it
(ie….is independent);
_______________________
.... - not to be threatened by the position that the persona has in life (ie. a dependent student);
…it can’t always afford to luxuriate to a high degree of “thereness”, “presence”;

…could something that’s t h e r e.…be a threat...to something else (about to be….’more’ ) ‘ t h e r e ’ ?
(and where is the point where the sense of ‘threat’/of annihilation….is overcome, can be relinquished…and luxuriating-
into-presence can be afforded ?)

…also, when we’re talking ‘thereness’, we’re not referring to Ego- or ‘persona’-thereness;

….we’re talking about the wholeness of self,..especially the ‘living’, pulsative, formative, causative self;
…raising its’ level of presence is what I’m talking…;

words, words, words……….…bla la bla

’___________________________________________

I gave the ‘student-status’…, status-as-student, too much power…and so it consummated its’ ultimate revenge on me…;
…instead of ‘showing the role’ “where to put it”;…instead of being in control over the role,
…instead of serving myself of the role…to my best advantage,..without letting the role ‘run away’ with me…, I
submitted to it; NEVER SUBMIT TO A ROLE !
..only always use it;…be always ahead of the role;

Page 23 of 65


(possibly) a way to do that is by….not fulfilling a role, but
by defining it

(jeez…this reminds me of the publication – some magazine - that came out this month…listing the “Greatest Movie
Stars Ever”…and they were writing about one actor that …he ‘defined and transcended a role’);
well,
…I just came up with this same way of putting it…as I was trying to put my finger on what I’m unto…(which is
something else, I figure…)

anyway,…so you don’t just fulfill a role,…you ‘set’ it !...you go ahead of it;

let role follow you, fall into place….and you go and step forward and step on….;

------------

can you take the discomfort you create by behaving untypical (atypical) to
a role (that) you feel you’ve been given by a group ?

.…you, darling, are so very susceptible to ‘acting out’ what you feel “ supposed ” to…

.i.e. ...could you through your behavior,..through your action
.…reject a lot of the
‘very-shy-student-in-awe-of-her-master-teacher’

-(shellshocked)’ behavior…that practically seemed to

define you in the eyes of the others around class (or so they think) ?’

…- how about if you’d behave like the ‘sophisticated’ , ‘social-circuit-friend’ (of a ‘swinging ’ {?} scene…) ?

...the ‘on-an-equal-level-woman-of-the-world’ ? (….you know, relative to... ‘you know whom’…..?)
_________________________________________________________________
_______________________
“The performance of the actress resonates with questions about
what it means to act, to be an individual, an artist, a woman” !!
quote from..”Becoming A Heroine; Reading About Women In Novels”
by Rachel M.Brownstein, [- literary criticism, - chapter on ‘Villette’;]

.…was reading this chapter tonight, after I finished writing into this journal and now, after I read it, I’m
relating it to what I was thinking about earlier…;
I was musing about how you could…through your actions and behaviors define the role that will fall into its’
place as a result of your’ taking the lead (instead of you slavishly fulfilling what you’re being ‘handed out’…)
and
connecting that to “what it means to act, to be an individual, an artist, a woman.”
…the way that that sense of “individuality”,

Page 24 of 65


of “individual-authority-to-act”

… really has to fuse with your actional (behavioural) output;

….the way (that) you have to discipline your “actional” output to really be expressive of individual author ity);

….to find that sense of authority (author, creator, originator...) of one’s individuality…and find that
. ..the way that one acts….and one’s “action”
…..are the most valid channels through which one can make the
….authority of one’s individuality

evident;

…b o o h …, long sentence !
…Re-read and follow !…

again:….the authority of one’s individuality needs to be fused to
one’s actional output

….authority of one’s individuality as it really is expressed through one’s actions,…acting;…

…to become really aware of it and use that awareness about it
___
muse !
…, don’t let the words impress you (fool you);…stay with what we’re getting at-

…’taking’ one’s freedom…(i.e. taking license with one’s freedom)

…making sure one’s authority (originating force, power) is represented actionally,
- in action;!!

making sure….one’s authority is expressed
through one’s actions…

…let ‘authority of self’ and action be one…;
let them be linked most intimately and personally
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _
….I liked “making sure one’s authority is represented actionally”,…

….action as a (figural) realm through which authority-of-self can be expressed

(consider quote from Henry James ‘The Tragic Muse’,…beginning of essay)
…deeply ponder (on) this [!]

Page 25 of 65


and
then. . . …really come to understand
action (acting, behaving, doing) as a figural option

(realm). . . a
through which

authority of self can be expressed;

pRESS ed
PRESS PRESS PRESS PRESS
Juice Juice Juice Juice
Lemons Lemonade

... - thought about ’whole-to-it{-self}’ use of medium and

saving that element when
translating
across the board through different languages

or (figural) media

…”authority of self expressed in action”

….authoritative deployment of a medium’s means

…..means...

...to be able to avail yourself of a medium to the degree that
your individual authority can shine through

(in) the way (that) you handle it
(the medium);

….[the] degree of mastery and skill with a medium can be seen in that;

….as long as your individual authority remains un-manifest in your’ availing yourself of a medium (when you
are handling a medium).
.…you don’t quite have a handle on the medium yet…;

Page 26 of 65


. . . . for however long that is…,the dynamics and particularities of a medium are likely to trip you up…, get ahead of
you,…make you appear something that you’re not,…rage havoc;
.…and you’ll be subject to them;…whirled up;

.…you are not in control of the medium; you are not using the medium; rather
it, more likely than not, would be ‘defining’ you….[impacting upon you…,,’playing’ you, not you it ]
___________

….your actions are yours’,…you originate them;

Take Charge !!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
….be in charge; …don’t let them run off with you; - don’t allow them to play you;
play your actions !

Play your actions
Play your actions Play your actions

…know them inside/out;…know what they do,..why;

…bla…bla…bla..
don’t get ‘up in your head’; be aware !

…let action speak in its’ own language to your awareness…;

…let an action take up your awareness…

(let your awareness’s scope (& latitude) be predicated
(rise upon, extend itself upon) the action…)

…let the scope (& latitude) of your awareness be ‘set’/dictated by what of it an action can elicit,

...compris ?

….kind of…!
____

Page 27 of 65


…victimized by our own way of acting, […- are you kidding ?

- what does that say ?]

…I mean how …’clueless’, un-emancipated, un-enlightened, utterly disenfranchised and helpless can I get ?
…it’s there where we have to start to take control…;
sounds simple...but, does anybody ever go down to these basics with us ?...

- a kid’s path towards individuated autonomy should start at this;
…should start at helping him/her realize their relationship (relative) to their own actions…;
should facilitate their awareness about how they are the originators of their actions and how to fulfill living that
role (as originators of their own actions; as autonomous individuals;...as individuated selves; as ‘forces’, …as ‘stars’, as
‘centers’ of their own‘ orbits..)
responsibly;
…how to fulfill the role of “originator-of-your-own-actions” responsibly,...effectively
(deploying that role consummately), dexterously…

….greatest accomplishment,…consummation,..assumption..(..of selfhood ?...)

….assuming the role of “originator-of-your-own-actions” to its’ utmost (‘consumation’) fulfillment….

…I think a lot of us behave, act…without entirely owning (their) the role of “originator-of-our[your]-own-
actions”
….and maybe because that originatorship (to/of our own actions) is not entirely ‘acknowledged’ us…
(especially when it comes to [i.e. in the case of] women…);
…it is assumed that our actions are the result of how life tosses us around…;

- that we respond as best as we can…to all that hits us, ….but that what really is going on...is entirely ‘out of our
control’ and that our originatorship is highly debatable…(and mostly,…

[ that it is very probable that it is…] ’not habitually’ used);
— — — — — —

…rather, it seems to be often assumed that ‘we’re doing what we can to stay ‘afloat’….;

hardly any credit is given..to anybody..being active in ‘originator-ship’ of anything…, yet one is in causative relation
to one’s actions….;
…if one is so ‘mindlessly’…without assuming that originatorship outwardly (or overtly)…,the consequences of
one’s action seem to be out of one’s control;

….they seem to be overwhelming us;…act upon us, who are helplessly in their throes…just trying not to sink
amidst the havoc…
…yet it is really just, very simply, a question of recognizing one’s individual power-of-‘author’ity; of originator(ship)
to/of one’s actions…;
- muse deeply-…..
……..

Page 28 of 65


….realize that
the assumption of your’ not having any say, any consequence/impact to/on the ‘powers that are’ is wrong !!!

...that the originatorship that is not acknowledged you is still inquestionably (and unchallengably) in power,… -
prevalent;
‘there’,
…yours’ !
_ _ _ -

...most often you’re treated as if you’re completely impotent (of no consequence/impact)
in your own situation….,
…as if your situation came about as an unfoldment of events (that are) entirely unrelated to anything you
would do…

…and you in the midst of it all,….delivered to the situation (in dismay)…. -

…all the time there has been no recognition or acknowledgement or even reference to you having any originatory
power (…a ‘say’; impact/consequence ) in this at all….- ! -
_________

…because an ‘address to you’… looks different when it acknowledges the ‘authority’ of your individuality as it can
immediately be reflected, seen, and be evident in the action (that) you engage in,
…and therefore the situation (that) you create for yourself;
___

…girls often are treated as if they were ‘poor suckers’ who’d have no say over the situation (that) they are in
(encounter themselves in)…;
- that most basic of all the acknowledgements,…that of you being the originator of your actions (act-
tress)…and… the ‘conceding to you that you are individuated (in that way)’ is rarely ever gotten to…;
it’s a double bind...and then again…just a threshold to be crossed….;

…it’s almost as if you’d have to come to see and recognize that ‘what you do’, your’ action,

really is an individuated ‘call’ on/to you…(your call);

a discipline

yet…we are not ‘led’ to it that way….(or ‘brought’ to it that way..)
________

Page 29 of 65


Two basic points (that I) talked about in this journal:

--- raising oneself to full presence
and
--- recognizing one’s authority in one’s acting
___________________

…so it’s about ‘asserting’ (or ‘infusing’) selfhood in(to) actual, physical thereness, ‘presence’ and
also in(to) [‘self’-informed] action

…action that is informed of self

..informed of/by the authority of self

…again,…we want authority of self in ‘presence’
…and to let that presence {which is unique (original) to self…[individual]
…rise to its’ fully-extended form/size….
…and…
we want authority of self in acting, in action…;
__________

it means that it will be evident “what it means to act, to be an individual, an artist, a woman”
(Brownstein-quote from earlier)
______________________________________________________________________________

Watching ‘Dumbo’ – (the) Disney-movie about (the) flying elephant (on TV)-
….scene where Dumbo is blowing bubbles in all sizes and shapes and forms…and, then, all of a sudden…those bubbles
take on an entire new life of their own (well done !)…and do their own thing(s)…
also,…the ‘magic feather’…and..- how ‘if’ you have it ‘you can fly’,..and then…how he looses it in the midst of a
stunt…and he’s forced to know,..made to see…that he can fly even without the ‘magic feather’;(…- has to ‘pull himself
together’ and do it,…perform, ‘cut the mustard’);

…crutches..and when to go on without them….

______________
…mother….

..we can do it with… her,…but, all of a sudden,we’re forced to negotiate this engagement of ours’…on our
own;
authority, strength; - we’re forced to find the seat of where we can propel things from
(agency of self)…even without the protector that made it a ‘sure thing’…that we could do something…

Page 30 of 65


(..if I have ‘x’ it’s a sure thing that I can do it..” and later find the seat of that warranty,[…that
assurance…that ‘I can’…, that assurance of my ability] ‘within’,....centered in self;

____
____________________________________

“I can ”
….fully, self-reliant assuming of ability;…assuming the “can”-ship;

…living, realizing, fulfilling (the) “I can”;

…role-assuming ?...
’can do’-attitude and what it means to really fulfill it…(this is a tough one for ‘miss’es…);

…also, muse
…’outside/in’ approach and
‘rising to full presence, extending to full size’…and…
,on the other hand,
…relate…’inside/out’-approach and ‘authority of self in action’….
and…intermix/shuffle...into other ways of relating and associating these…,
…ie..’inside/out’ and ‘rising to full presence’….or
…..’outside/in’ and ‘authority of individuated self in action’
(action informed of self’s authority of individuality)

Nov 18, 1996
I believe that we live with our presence incoiled...because (at some point)

it might have been the best way to get by…;

it might be provoking to people when we let it uncoil;…there’ll be hype
(your presence itself will be able to stand the heat, though…);
….mostly it might be provoking to you yourself;
well,
….you know how you felt when you saw others bring things into a’ high degree of presence’ that you find
controversial…, with which you would struggle…;
you know how ‘provoked’ you felt;
…seeing it, recognizing it,
…even admiring the sheer audacity of bringing it that much ‘into evidence’…;
drawing it
so (to such a degree…)
out;
…feeling both repelled yet undeniably jealous;
________

Page 31 of 65


Bambino *,
…well, after we had that very enjoyable ‘date’ (after each having had their own life for the year),
it’s dating-game-time;
…”bluff “
…’game’
…the rules of the hunt
…old women’s wisdom...;

…”never call him, let him call you ”,
…don’t be too ‘available’, anxious…etc…;
it’s all true;

set him ‘boundaries’…etc…,
-- don’t know what will happen;
___
Nov 18 ….authorship in action..…action…..author-ized;…

so anyway,…back to Bambino *;

…first we go on a date;…he takes me to his cave after we meet at the beanery where he is shooting pool in his
vintage-style trousers with suspenders and smoking his quaint, oldish, old brown cigarettes
(…by the way, smoking and shooting pool sports his beautiful hands most appealingly.…)
…and..meanwhile his friends make me feel comfortable by politely chatting with me, not daring to ask for my
number…(I like the fact that they respect him) and I’m chatting to everybody else, trying to also chat with some girls
and women…;

….only once can I bring myself to laud Bambino’s pool-playing hearably
(and even that ‘s not quite felt, but it shows goodwill on my part, I figure;)

….. so after the game is over… Bambino is ready to have us sit together somewhere;
…short from sitting next to me, where I have been sitting all the while (that) he has been playing (pool)…, he chooses
a corner-seat and sits down there,
…motioning me to sit by him…(!)…(??);

…me…,I don’t know how to react to this,…feeling provoked, ‘indignant’…and at the same time attracted; I try to
get through this ‘PREDICAMENT’ that I find I’m‘faced with’
[that I find myself to be ‘face to face’ with]

… as gracefully as I can manage (…what are my choices ?);

Page 32 of 65


- .so I get up and walk across a couple of (..like..three or four) tables to
where he deems we should sit;

. . . anyway,

….at one point he puts his leg over mine.very casually…., ‘like’(d) that;…

….me,

… feeling ambivalent about the whole affair (ie. ..taking a cab,…going out of my way too much…don’t
anymore !!!...but, after all, he is the first guy I’ve ever been with…so, some ignorance and in-experience can be
excused;…but now, don’t do anything that’s not strictly self-respecting, doll; !)

….so ,I’m telling him ‘I’ll just stay for an hour’ and then’ go see a movie with one of my roommates’ (?...?...”hallo” ?);

he convinces me to go to his place just to spend some time -”it will be fun”,

-… I agree under the condition of ‘only staying for a while’;
___ ___ ____ _____
- he has a new dog.
…the place is atmospherically dark;
there only is a light in the other room;
- we play with the dog;
he sits on a chair, I sit on an armchair across from him;
he’s in the dark but I can see the outline of his body...sitting with one leg over the other;
…his hat,…his cigarette…
etc…, like a shadow;
…he probably can see me since the light of the other room shines on me;

he puts his(own) new music on,…looks at me;

we don’t speak for a long time.

wonderful…to just be able to’ be’ and not to have to speak - yet to feel at ease;….

I think we understand each other;
…wordless, but not meaningless;
not without sense;…

…anyway,

Page 33 of 65


.…after ‘a while’ he produces a pair of very high heels (black strap);
I put them on;
..he’s’ with me’, in the moment (or I’m’ with him’),…
he waits…
then ‘picks up’ on it;

___
he wants me to dance
and says so,…

feebly I try to evade dancing n o w ( ! );
… in vain I find all kinds of reasons why I shouldn’t (dance now);...he dismisses all of my reasons, ...keeps
being bent on his will, …keeps his will FIRM

…firm, but feelingly gentle; ‘light touch’ on me, warmly cooing me,
…making something in me ‘get’ that he doesn’t mean to ‘let up’; so. . .o

I (begin to) dance,…. very reticently, …..barely;

he watches, . . . sits back,. . . takes it in;

… he gets up and grabs one of his many walking-sticks

(which he always walks around with;..they go with many of his vintage-style suits…);
tells me to grab it and follow it and to not resist it;

I obey
(did, after all, grow up in the ballet; it’s how I tick…)

…and then

he dances with me;

. . . he spins me around,

puts his hands ‘round my waist and
makes my hips listen to his hands;

Page 34 of 65


Page 35 of 65


..me…I don’t commit to anything

,..keep loose and ready to try out whatever…;

it goes up very ‘light-touchedly’;

..…I do think that we both find/found it enjoy able;

found him warm, tender, manly,
attentive,

easy (cool)
yet naturally leading;
-----------
…he produces a glamorous, very feminine black dress and asks if I’d put it on;
I do…and predictably it doesn’t fit around the top
(they never do; I could have told him..but, after I put the dress on quietly…he finds out for himself trying to raise
the zipper…);

he offers to give me a massage…( I have ‘sciata’ from a dance-class [that] I took a couple of days earlier, after not
having danced for a long time);
he gives me the massage; it is ”tender” and I love his touch. Then he asks about ‘starting over ’ again; ( ”let’s start all
over ! I want you to completely surrender to me, …when you’re ‘nice’ you get treated nice,..when ‘not’ not!”…etc..)

He asks me to stay there that night

( I think he just meant sleeping;..not necessarily “X”).
Me…,I take(took) in what he said and enjoy (enjoyed) his tenderness, but I ask(asked) him to take me home that
night and he does(did).
He kisses(kissed) me shyly,opens(opened) the door of his car for me and takes(took) me home!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

Page 36 of 65


…and then…. I did n’t hold my ‘composure’…when…,about 5 days later, I called, just to say ‘ hi ’ to him.…;

...my work-situation again instable (they ran out of data there...and it promotes anxiousness, instability…etc…);
then
on the next weekend I went to his performance-show prematurely,
… feeling insecure about it…etc..; wrong thing to do ‘now’…, I (just) know;
anyway,…having felt ambivalent about it in the first place...I got there late,after taking a cab;
...did not dress up; he didn’t come up to me afterwards;

I unsurely approach(ed) him while a ‘bimbo-freak’ (is/)was making her pass at him;
.…as I approached h e s i t a t i n g l y
(instead of having listened to my own inner voice…[which told me that’going there at all’ on that night
…didn’t feel right;] )

..he didn’t miss a beat;...tore in;

…told me he couldn’t give me a ride ‘home’ ’ and that

he was going to have a drink with ’ XY * there’

(at which point I got the chance to have another look at the freak);

anyway,
.…one learns…;
this is not/hasn’t been “strictly self-respecting” behaviour, girl !
…hope you get it now ;
(owner of the performance-venue was so kind as to give me a ride home; being extremely gentlemanly all the
while….and choosing to affect a marked, discreet ‘no-comment’ attitude….);

….but, I felt I handled it well the next morning.…when I ended the phone-conversation leaving it ‘up to him to call

me (….”in a couple of weeks”);
….I’m a slow learner, it seems; well, I hope I learned my lesson;…and, on the bright side, I didn’t entirely disgrace
myself…; and I won’t; it is his call !
…If he does it right, he’ll have a very good chance…(same goes for me, I wager; …if I do it right I think I might have
a ‘very good chance’ too; well, we’ll see….; we’ll both have a very good chance…)

Hopefully we’ll do it right…;…...
This is a cats and dog town for a couple to really be a couple;.…to be tight;

… to respect each other and be discreet relative to others would mean a lot; and we’re really very much alike in some
ways;… my work is just as important to me as his work is to him and we both tick to a lot of the same
things...(especially musically and dancing-wise…);

…well anyway; I like him; I’ve always liked him;
to wether it will become something else,… who can tell ?

Page 37 of 65


November 19

…money, money, money, money, money…

-things I read in the essay “Villette”
[in “Becoming a Heroine; Reading About Women in Novels” by Rachel Brownstein…]:

“Acting is most solemny disapproved of and true to the profound ambivalence of Brontës last novel, it is at
the same time exalted.”

…this feels like it’s hitting home;
can emotionally identify (from where I’m living, from how it subjectively feels.…);

Nov 20
…the more you live in beingness and are un-distracted by hype…, the better;

(feel) centered and grounded
….when ‘familiar’/intimate with what is

…when on intimate terms with beingness;
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nov 20, 96

before,… .when I was working two jobs I’d come home and do only ‘one’ thing: - crash,-sleep;
…and I couldn’t do anything else because I’d be too exhausted;
_____
…now I had three weeks off; slept all I wanted to;…had energy, wanted to do things,..yet I had no money and so
couldn’t do a thing..(either);
…caged in, again,…held on a tight leash again; with no license either to take a class, see a movie, get a haircut…nor to
go out much (although I did go out a couple of times)….etc.…;
------------------------------
...yesterday on the bus: …throng of people pushing towards entrance…
- that one black guy who was ‘in the moment’...yet ‘above it’ (transcending it);
- he was involved, present; - seemed to act/conduct himself with attunement to the moment; displaying ‘qualities of
selfhood’
in the moment;…. - stepped back to let me pass; went about his business.., but..he was also ‘a person’;
- his personhood was evident (in the situation);

….went to CreditUnion (employer’s benefit) but my company and their employees don’t’ qualify anymore to get
benefits; have to pay 75,-$ for gas tomorrow; don’t have one dollar; - borrowed again 5 $ from a roomate;
…………………………………………………..

Page 38 of 65


….anyway; - happened to be by the ‘german (ish) house of culture’ * which is next to a labor union place; went unto
the grounds of each premise and looked around;
…picked up a couple of free books and magazines in the first; …one advertisement in a German magazine read:
………………..” Intellligente Aktion statt geistloser Reaktion ”
….which translates into: ‘ intelligent action rather than mindless reaction ’;

….my musings being elicited from that:

….sometimes you put action (to act just ‘because ’, …for it’s own sake, almost…)

ahead of ‘ adequateness/apropriateness of action ’ ;
- then you’ve put yourself into a positon where there’s no more license (or ‘realm’, or ‘margin’) to negotiate
the adequateness of an action; - you’re so ‘hard put’,
….you’ve delayed adding the action to ‘adequate-to-self’ search’ ....; and you’ve got yourself to the point where action
at any cost, becomes paramount;…where action itself can no longer be delayed;
...when the only way to get a change (of the situation)
[to affect a change in it] is through an ‘immediate action taken’;

….to have reached the end of debate;
…where an action is now, by absolute necessity, called for; precipitated
by the urgency of the need;
…where much pondering on the adequateness of an action can no longer be allowed ;

action is exact to time (timing), and
…there often is only a certain margin (left for) reflection;

in the end, when it comes ‘ down ’ to it,…reflection has to meet the ‘bottomline’

(meeting of a demand/need) required of action !

action is supposed to affect (change, impact) situation.

...to exercise impact/effect on the course of events/situations…;

.…the course that events get embarqued on…. as marked through an action taken

at a particular instance in the line of events;

…I seem to have the habit of...letting situaions, events….’things’ ...develop...(laissez faire)
to the utmost; - ...of letting a situation be brought/carried forth to the utmost point of it’s extremity,

where it then leads into further ongoing, subsequent ‘con-sequence’,

….situations, status-quos…etc…,which then result out of this ‘policy of non-intervention’

Page 39 of 65


( utter non-involvement of self mantained under utmost provocation;

…why ?

…against all ‘tantalizing’ of self to get involved,

…and then
. . . bearing the consequences of this ‘non-involvement’ [– mantained-beyond-the-point-of-‘advisement’])

naturally… all of this leads to situations that could have been avoided with some timeley intervening on your part!
…how long are you gonna lay low before you spring to action?

. ..how bad does a situation have to get before you become active ?
- what keeps you ‘this side’ from engaging ?
....the ‘feeling’ or thought that it won’t make a difference ?

…do you have a sense of the import
(that) your’ actions may bring upon a situa-tion ?
...what ‘bearing’ it may have on/for it’s outcome ? …do you care ? …don’t you ?
- do you not care ?

...or do you just not feel your power of impact ? (how do others aid,
take -even unwittingly-, part in contributing to your’ not feeling your power of impact ?
how have they secretly conspired in this ?)

- the difference (that) you can make !

embracing one’s authority;
…one’s power;
___________________________________

Page 40 of 65


From a free book of the following author’s poetry that I picked up at the german-language ‘ German(ish) House Of
Culture ’ -site that I had walked into, the other day,….and that was among the books on their ‘ FREE BOOKS ’ – cart:

Du bist keine Lerche
Befestige deinen Traum
In wirkendem Tun,
Wenn du sie in
Deine Augen genommen,
Die Lerche,
Die hochfliegende,jubilierende,
Die nicht weiβ, was sie tut,
Die nur aufsteigt
Und singt - ,
Laβ deine Taten
Sich zeigen wie Lerchenflug,
Hören wie der Lerche Jubilieren
Und bist dann

Prächtig geschmückt
Und geworden
Elizabeth Meyer-Runge
(aus “Dem Traum vom Menschen nachgegangen”)

Translation into English(freely translated by Shayleane):

You are no skylark !

fasten your dream…in doing that begets.

once you have gazed upon the skylark, flying in lofty heights,ever in praise,
who knows not what she does,… rising and chirping along in song all the while,

let your actions shine like the skylark’s flight,
let them resound like its’ song of jubilee.

Elizabeth Meyer-Runger

Page 41 of 65


“und bist dann prächtig geschmückt

und geworden”….

(Shayleane’s literal translation of these words, the last lines,out of E.Meyer-Rungers’s poem:
…”and there you are, then,…richly adorned …and having become…”)
….. ….. ….. ….. ….. ….. …..
…”bist dann…geworden” (‘[you will have] …become’)

….suggesting a ‘becoming’ through ‘doing’

….a becoming
through your’ doings (actions)…

….as you do
you become…;

..what you do and how it defines you;
__ _ _ _
….going about an action mindfully;…

…subordinating all you do (your actions, your doing)
…singlemindedly to a persuit;

subordinating action to an aim…

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ {authors note: how is that different from:
“ the end justifies the means “ ? ...end insert}

sentence-snippet:
[same poet (Elizabeth Meyer-Rungers), different poem (same book)]

…”die abgezirkelten Stunden-Regale von Ungenügendem freizuräumen”

(Shayleane translating:
“ clear the offset [set-up, put-up] …hour-shelves from what’s insufficient (the mediocre)”

(Shayleane as German teacher: “genügen” = “to suffice”)

Page 42 of 65


Ok, here goes the whole poem, first in it’s original language:

“Zeit nun
…die verbleibende Zeit…zu besehn;

die abgezirkelten Stunden-Regale… von Ungenügendem…freizuräumen;

…wissen … Zukunft ist…immer das Ungewisse-

mutig zu sein….mal sich auch träumerisch rückständig…. zu geben-

…sich zweifeln erlauben…
Schicksal nicht leugnen
Zeit nun zu sehen: Zeit
– nicht nur Meβzeit.”

(Shayleane’s free translation: and German-lesson:

‘Time now;
….to look at the remainder of time;
to clear the pre-marked hour-shelves from what doesn’t satisfy (deliver.. (fulfill) (suffice){realize me}…);
…to know…(“wissen”)
the future is…always (“immer”)..the unknown (uncertainty);

..to be courageous (“mutig zu sein”)

…to ‘render’ oneself occasionally (“mal”)..dreamily ‘dumbfounded’
(‘dumb’, incomprehending…, old-fashioned, ‘backwoodsy’,’arrested’, ‘square’,’slow’, ‘dim’, ‘backwards’);
to permit oneself doubt (“Zweifel”);
…to not deny fate…;

to allow oneself, now, to look at [/see] time;

… time- not just counting [/measuring] time !’

(end translation, explanation, approximation to original creation of poetess-artist )

…I like her….

………” to permit oneself doubt….to not deny fate”…
______________________________________________________

and….another poem:

Page 43 of 65


Verlernt

Haben zu viele verlernt
Leise zu sein
Wenn man leise sein muβ

Und laut
Wenn sich zu wehren ist

Bleiben gezwängt

In den Rock der Bestürzung

Dulden sogar
Der Verwirrung Kleid

Und brauchte doch alles
Einfaches Tun. !!!!!

)
Here is the English version as freely translated by Shayleane:

“ Unlearned” (‘Forgotten what was learned”)

Too many (“zu viele”)
Have unlearned
To be quiet (“leise zu sein”)
When “to be quiet”
Is what’s needed
And loud
When” to rise to one’s defense” is what’s called for;
They remain (“bleiben”) caged in the dress of stupefaction (mired)
And they even tolerate the guise of confusion

And /when all that would have ever been needed would have been a simple “doing ”;
_____________________________

…that’s all it takes, honey,…simple doing !!

Page 44 of 65


...will you ‘rouse yourself to go about that simple doing ?

…also, how simple doing
(…simple doing that rises out of a de-tensed [relaxed] ‘being in the moment’)
…unravels easily,…all of it’s own;…all-of-one (its’ own) body…, out of ‘beingness’ that lodges in the moment and that is…
relaxed;
…out of the relaxation of being relaxedly ‘in’ the moment…etc..;

…”lass Deine Taten sich zeigen wie Lerchenflug,..,hoeren wie ‘der Lerche jubilieren’ ”
(‘let your actions shine like the skylark’s flight; resound like it’s song of jubilation’)

...the substance and weight of action,
yet the ethereality, the visionary, inspired music of “grace” informing that action;
___________________

…see how I recently talked about ‘action informed by self’ (...the concept formed as I had been watching a ‘Charlie
Rose’-special on an ‘architectural conference in Cincinatti’,...all kinds of architects speaking …and one of them was
describing his collegue’s work as “informed by theory” , but essentially, really, very ‘powerful and expressive’ ;.…of
strong emotional, actual, physical, sensual, expressive-artistic impact,…or so I understand it;...something like that
(...jeez..kid, get a grip);
…(I) liked that way of ‘putting it’;
anyway,...associating ‘action informed by self’ or ‘authority of self’ (the stuff I had been dealing with earlier
in this journal)...suggests one thing and then to say (or rather…as in my case,...to ‘hear’) “action informed by vision
/inspiration/grace”
.…implicates something else….(or another ‘take’ on it);
( it also relates in acting to the implication of ‘topic’, ‘theme’, scenic-scriptural material.…)

….( then it brings to my mind a line from the poem that I had just copied down from the German poet: “laβ Deine
Taten sich zeigen wie Lerchenflug; hören wie der Lerche jubilieren”)

action patterned (given structure, form) by content; .…action falling into place (unraveling)…, riding on the
notes of content;…on content’s melody;…action ‘falling upon’ content;

..your’ ‘doing’ loosened…and re-arranged…as through a plow.
..through the life of content (through content’s life);

bla, bla, bla…

bla bla

…how the poetess says it all:

Page 45 of 65


…”laβ Deine Taten sich zeigen wie Lerchenflug;.…hören wie der Lerche jubilieren”
..that’s exactly it; more expressive of it than anything I can say about it;

the simple power (that)….a medium...having been arranged by an artist of it [’presentative’, not descriptive]...has !!
____________________
also,…same for voice:
…voice/breath’s life...informed by self, by individuality; by authority and agency of self and, on the other
hand,…voice/breath’s life informed by content;

method
(any method, i.e.: ... methodical approach to an artist’s technique, here not necessarily meant to refer to ‘the ’
Method as Strasberg’s approach to an acting-technique) applies to the difference content makes
.[on form or formal-figurative aspect of an art-discipline; the ‘shape’ of it…, i.e.: syntactically rather than
semantically]
…, and signal words, key-words, cue-words…such as place, relationship, event, situation…help to organize that
conceptually
and

...to have the disctinct ’imprint of self’ on voice and action is another concern!

_____________________________________
November 21

“For the actress is herself an artist, the creator of herself – of her selves, rather.
These are ,suggestively, assumed several, and temporary.
If the actress stands for doing and not simply being, she does so ambiguously, being dubiously truthful,sincere,
virtous, real.”
Essay “Villette” by Rachel M. Brownstein in “Becoming a Heroine”;

muse;
…what’s the distinction between being and doing ?
..aren’t they resulting out of each other ?
…when you’re being, you’re doing….?;

…and aren’t you doing with your being ?

muse

Page 46 of 65


….how what I do is conditioned and determined by who I am (what I am)

and how I do by how I am…;

and
what I do by how I am and
how I do by what I am and

and what I do by what I am
and
what I do by what I am

and how I do by how I am

how doing can be dissacociated from feeling innerly concomitant (in unison) with the action (that results
from the doing);

doing and action

doing is the act(ing),
the process

and action is what the doing ends up resulting in
(in terms of impact [that] it can be summed up to have)

….the configuration (shape, form)
that a doing can be said to make up,….and the reason we can identify what ‘action’ emerges
is because we have designated commonly recognizable, identifiable doings…to be...this or that
(signs/evidence of this or that action)….and we recognize the features/factors that make up an action of a particular
kind quickly;
…often so quickly that all an actor (or anybody for that matter) needs to do is to suggest it;
.…obviously this can also be a trap;
to suggest (indicate) something without backing it up…becomes an exercise in discourse,...in description, in ‘talking
about’;

and to the degree that we’re easily versed in this we may loose a sense of what we can do through
performance (how significantly we can be of impact through performance);
.…we may loose a sense of what (& how) we can be of significant impact through ‘engaging’ and ‘going through
the motions’,(ie: personalization, physicalization),

through ‘performing’;

(…” per form”….through/in the shape of it; shapeshifters...per/trans formers ; re-/ in-.{ formers }..etc..)
and (to) let ‘that ’ in itself….say ‘it ’ (!). . . . . .(…make the difference;)

Page 47 of 65

Domingo Shayleane J

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