"Nobody Has to Die Today: Keeping the Peace with the Other Meat Sacks" by Mykel Alvis Sr. DevOps Consultant, MomentumSI. Presentation Overview: A frank (and, frankly, loud) discussion about the kinds of miscommunication that arise between developers and operations, how it leads to trouble and possible ways we can avoid (figurative) violence in the workplace using both social techniques as well as tooling. Speaker Bio: Mykel Alvis, Sr. DevOps Consultant, MomentumSI, has been a developer for over 34 years, primarily in assembler, C, Java and Groovy. Several years ago he switched from producing new features in software to producing new ways to deliver software.

1. nobody
has
to
die
today
@AutomatnMonkey
keeping the peace with the other meatsacks

2. w4!?!
die!?!
are
you
serious?
● only
a
li9le
● nearly
2
million
reported
incidents
per
year
(osha.gov)
● threats
and
verbal
abuse
to
homicide
● in
2010,
546
of
4,547
fataliJes
were
homicides
● 13,827
homicides
from
1992
and
2010
(cdc.gov)
● homicide
#1
cause
of
death
in
the
workplace
for
women
● informaJon
technology
professions
are
not
immune

3. my
favorite
subject
me

4. who
is
this
guy?
• mykel
alvis
(@AutomatnMonkey,
@mykelalvis)
• lawful
evil
with
neutral
tendencies
• frequent
violator
of
Wheaton's
Law
• reformed
rageaholic
• sr.
consultant
at
MomentumSI
(malvis@momentumsi.com)
• MomentumSI
is
a
leading
IT
consultancy
focused
on
enterprise
transformaJon
• h9p://www.momentumsi.com
• h9p://www.automaJonmonkey.net

5. no
gain
● people
avoid
pain
● pain
is
not
the
sensaJon
of
weakness
leaving
the
body
● it
is
the
sensaJon
that
something
untoward
is
going
on
● pain
is
an
excellent
educator
● we
have
abandoned
pain
as
a
mechanism
for
instrucJon

6. my
least
favorite
subject
you

7. who are you?
• who
cares?
• apex
predator
meatsack
• one
of
the
great
apes;
probably
human
• 3
lb
wetware
processor
and
dual
5-­‐phalange
manipulators
and
some
form
of
locomoJon
• geng
older
and
more
decrepit
by
the
minute

8. there’s
just
something
about
you
you
suck
at
EVERYTHING

9. no, seriously. you suck.
• you’re
bad
at
seeing,
hearing,
feeling,
interpreJng,
remembering,
analyzing
and
about
a
jillion
other
“-­‐ings”
• you’re
really
bad
at
communicaJng
• you’re
actually
not
so
bad
at
iteraJng

10. think
you’re
percepJve?

11. try
another
one

12. context
● Webster’s
calls
“context”
the
parts
of
a
discourse
that
surround
a
word
or
passage
and
can
throw
light
on
its
meaning
the
interrelated
condi5ons
in
which
something
exists
or
occurs
:
environment,
se:ng
● the
container
whence
all
things
originate
● everything
ulJmately
is
taken
out
of
it

13. over-­‐sharing
● everyone
everywhere
is
constantly
trying
to
disseminate
their
context
to
the
rest
of
the
world
● we
call
this
communicaJon
● again,
most
people
really
suck
at
it
● everyone
has
a
context
that
is
constantly
being
refined
● someJmes,
people
are
not
interested
in
your
stupid
context
● most
of
the
Jme,
actually
● mostly
they
just
want
what
they
want

14. feelings
or
facts
● contexts
are
comprised
of
both
objecJve
and
subjecJve
parts
● subjecJve
-­‐
want/think/feel
● objecJve
-­‐
facts/math
● have
strong
opinions…
for
a
reason
● reason
doesn’t
discount
subjecJvity,
but
does
marginalize
it
● feelings
aren’t
bad
but
decisions
made
because
of
the
hormonal
soup
are
frequently
unsound

15. more
from
the
dept.
of
redundancy
dept.
● territories
● specifically,
your
territories
● those
parts
of
your
context
that
you
consider
yours,
geospaJally
or
responsibility-­‐wise

16. since
we’re
talking
about
how
you
suck
● since
you
suck
so
much,
you
should
probably
try
harder
● language
is
a
mechanism
for
interacJon
with
those
other
meatsacks
that
you’re
forced
to
deal
with
every
day
● frequently,
the
ability
to
communicate
backfires
on
you
● miscommunicaJon
is
at
least
one
of
the
most
common
causes
of
every
sort
of
failure

17. we
can't
all
just
get
along
• people
have
incompaJble
desires
• incompaJble
desires
cause
fricJon
• fricJon
erupts
into
conflict
and
the
viscous
red
liquid
flows
freely
across
the
co-­‐lo
floor
• conflict
is
not
necessarily
bad
• conflict
shows
the
places
where
fricJon
exists

18. communicaJon
● who
○ the
idiot
i’m
trying
to
school
● what
○ the
ludicrously
simple
crap
that
this
idiot
didn’t
already
know
● where
○ right
here
● when
○ right
the
fuck
now
● why
○ because
i
want
that
idiot
to
do
something
for
me

19. communicaJon
● how
○ via the help of Mr. L. Jackson and whatever language is appropriate

20. c-­‐c-­‐c-­‐c-­‐communicate
● correct
○ it
needs
to
be
as
factual
as
you
can
make
it
● clear
○ understandable
and
as
unambiguous
as
possible
● concise
○ as
short
as
necessary,
but
no
shorter
● consistent
○ immutable
● comprehensive
○ complete

21. you
are
such
a
[solware
development]
tool
• voice
• email
• documentaJon/wiki
• issue
tracking
• versions
• silence
• acts
of
destrucJon,
contriJon
or
appeasement
• events
• body
language

22. process
• process
exists,
whether
you
like
it
or
not
• documented
processes
can
be
more
easily
comprehended
• comprehended
processes
can
be
more
easily
internalized
• internalized
processes
are
more
likely
to
get
followed
• processes
that
are
not
internalized
typically
get
circumvented

23. passive
aggression
at
its
finest
● you
want
something
from
someone
● you’re
worried
that
they
might
say
no
● if
they
say
no,
whatever
shall
you
do?
● maybe
you’ll
have
to
kill
them
● (don’t
do
that)

24. asserJveness
training
● give
as
clear
an
understanding
of
your
needs
as
possible
● allow
them
to
quesJon
your
needs,
someJmes
extensively
● once
they
have
a
clear
understanding,
they
can
make
an
informed
decision
about
what
to
do
● then,
if
they
decide
not
to
give
you
what
you
want,
you
won’t
lose
any
sleep
about
the
horrible
things
that
they
clearly
deserve

25. • you
suck
at
everything,
especially
communicaJon
• you
typically
need
other
people
• be
willing
to
absorb/entertain
someone
else’s
context
• confrontaJon
that
stops
discord
is
good
• have
good
reasons
for
your
opinions,
but
be
willing
to
change
• correct,
clear,
concise,
comprehensive,
consistent
communicaJon
• violence
is
generally
not
an
opJmal
soluJon
last
night’s
highlights

26. go
and
sin
no
more
namaste,
bitches
The preceding program contained scenes of extreme violence and should not have been viewed by humans
nothing that was said here should be taken as license to execute violence, especially against a bag of chips or other people