2. Recognize the signs of bullying and define the
behaviors
Understand what cyber-bullying is and it’s
different forms so you can protect your
children
Help your children prepare for bullying and
handle diversity/conflict in and out of school
Learn tools and how to respond to your
children in order to unlock their inner
goodness
Focus on prevention as opposed to intervention
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
3. We all need to be mindful of our language.
A certain level of conflict between kids is
―normal‖, typical, and healthy which can help
prepare them for life.
However, I want you to leave here with some
idea of where to draw the line.
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
4. Bullyingor harassment by
use of electronic devices
through e-mail, instant
messaging, text messages,
blogs, twitter and other
social media websites such
as facebook.
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
5. In the U.S., it is now a federal
crime to ―annoy, abuse,
threaten, or harass any
person‖ via the internet or
telecommunication system
(it’s in your contract!)
Punishable by fine and/or up
to two years imprisonment
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
6. Flaming: angry, rude statements
Harassment:repeatedly sending offensive
messages
Outing and Trickery: disseminating private
information or tricking someone into
disclosing private information and then
sending it to others
Denigration: ―Dissing‖ someone by spreading
false rumors or information
by Nancy Willard
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
7. Impersonation: pretending to be someone
else and posting damaging information
Exclusion: intentionally excluding someone
from an online group
Cyber-stalking: creating fear by sending
repeated offensive messages
Cyber threats: raises concerns about violence
against others
by Nancy Willard
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
8. A study of 1500 Internet-using teens
over 1/3 of youth reported being victimized
40% of victims were disrespected,
18% were called names
over 12% were physically threatened
about 5% were scared for their safety
Only 15% of victims told an adult about the
incident
over 16% of teens admitted to cyber-bullying
others
And reported it is much easier for them to bully
when not facing the person
Hinduja and Patchin, 2005
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
9. In person
By phone
Text
Online
Some other
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
10. 20% report they had been victims of bullying
73% stated that they knew the bully, while
26% stated that the offender was a stranger.
10% indicated that another person has taken
a picture of them via a cell phone camera and
they felt uncomfortable, embarrassed or
threatened by this.
13% told a parent, and 12% told a
teacher, 39% told a friend, and 27% did not
tell anyone
National Children’s Home charity and Tesco Mobile, 2005
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
11. ―virtually‖ anonymous
less energy and courage to express hurtful
comments using a keypad
do not have to be larger and stronger than
their victims
electronic forums typically lack supervision
no individuals to monitor or censor offensive
content in electronic mail, posts or text
messages
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
12. Kids often know more about computers and
cellular phones than their parents, so there is
little concern that a probing parent will discover
their experience (delete messages, changing
passwords, getting ride of websites etc)
The inseparability of a cellular phone from its
owner makes that person a perpetual target for
victimization (kids can’t get away from this stuff)
May be able to avoid it (change e-mail, have
caller id on cell, avoid certain chat rooms or
block that person unlike kids on the playground
or bus who have little control)
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
13. 1.An imbalance of power
(holding a secret against someone/black-
male, physical difference in size, group who
follows orders from a bully, attention seeking, does
it to be cool, dared to do things, chooses children
who are easier targets)
2.Intent to harm
(physically or emotionally)
3.Threat of further harm
(perpetual, not an isolated incident)
4.Instilling fear or terror
The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
14. A recent survey of students in grades 6-10
reported that 13% of students bullied others,
11% had been bullied, and 6% reported both
being bullied and bullying others.
In 2011 The Journal of the American Medical
Association reported 17% of students reported
being bullied 2-3 times per month. Taken from
524,054 students grades 3-12. With males and
females being almost equal.
More then 160,000 students skip school every
day because they are anxious and fearful of
being bullied.
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
Deborah Carpenter: 2009
15. Verbal-most common form
for boys and girls
Relational- most difficult to
detect; includes
ignoring, excluding, shunning
Physical-most visible and
easiest to identify
The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
16. When someone tries to gain control by
making others afraid or angry
Characterized by verbal abuse, exclusion
from a group, tormenting, and or humiliating
someone
Extends to sexually abusive
comments, LGBTQ and racially motivated
comments, can be pointing out how someone
is different or ―doesn’t belong‖
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
17. Most difficult type of bullying to cope with or
prove (often kept quite)
Research suggests it takes a tremendous toll
on one’s physical and mental health and
overall self image and self –esteem
Is a form of social violence
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
18. Ignore the bully and walk away - It's definitely not a coward's
response — sometimes it can be harder than losing your
temper. Bullies thrive on the reaction they get, (it’s attention
seeking behavior) and if you walk away or ignore hurtful
emails or instant messages, or comments in the hall way
you're telling the bully that you just don't care. However, this
is for beginning stages, not after a child feels consistently
threatened or unsafe.
Walk tall and hold your head high. Using this type of body
language sends a message that you're not vulnerable.
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
19. Hold the anger. Who doesn't want to get really upset with a
bully? But that's exactly the response he or she is trying to
get. Bullies want to know they have control over your
emotions.
If you're in a situation where you have to deal with a bully
and you can't walk away with poise, use humor — it can
throw the bully off guard. Practice this at home through
role-play.
Work out your anger or frustration in another healthy way.
Examples might be through
exercise, sports, hobbies, talking it out with a friend or safe
adult, or writing it down (make sure you tear up any letters
or notes you write in anger or keep them from friends so
that no one can use them against you). Once you put it on
the Internet it cannot be taken back!
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
20. Don't get physical. However you choose to deal with a
bully, don't use physical force (like kicking, hitting, or
pushing). Not only are you acting on your anger in unhealthy
ways, you can never be sure what the bully will do in
response. You are more likely to be hurt and get in to
trouble if you use violence against a bully. You can stand up
for yourself in other ways, such as gaining control of the
situation by walking away or by being assertive in your
actions.
Practice confidence.Practice ways to respond to the bully
verbally or through your behavior with your child. Help them
practice feeling good about themselves (even if you have to
convince themselves at first). We are what we think! Check in
about what they are thinking. List positive qualities and have
them come up with positive thoughts to challenge negative
thinking.
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
21. Don’t allow bullies to take charge of your life.Help your
children understand that they can't control other people's
actions, but they can stay true to themselves. They can
control their response to what is happening. Help them
think about ways to feel their best — and strongest — so
that other kids may give up the teasing.
Talk about it openly with your children! If they do not feel
like opening up to you, make sure they know they have
options. They can talk to a guidance
counselor, teacher, family friend, older relative, or friend
— anyone who can give them the support they need.
Talking can be a good outlet for their fears and
frustrations that can build when their being bullied which
can affect functioning.
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
22. Help them define and find their ―true‖ friends. If your
child has been bullied with rumors or gossip, all of
the above tips (especially ignoring and not reacting)
can apply. But take it one step further to help ease
feelings of hurt and isolation. Have them identify
one or two true friends and confide how the gossip
has hurt their feelings. Encourage your child to have
those friends come over to the house for play dates.
Set the record straight by telling their friends quietly
and confidently what's true and not true about the
rumors. Hearing their friend say, "I knew that rumor
wasn’t true.‖ Or, ―I didn't pay attention to it anyway,"
can help them realize that most of the time people
see gossip for what it is — petty, rude, and
immature.
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
23. 1. The ability to make friends (and keep them)
2. To have confidence in his or her abilities
3. The ability to be resilient (adaptive)
4. Body language (eye contact, posture, facial
expressions all play a role)
5. Voice quality ( tone & pitch, volume, clarity, rate)
6. Conversational skills
(greetings, introductions, sustaining
conversations)
7. Friendship skills (complimenting others, offer to
help, ask to join in, show appreciation, share
etc.)
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
24. 1. Asking for help
2. Saying no – setting
boundaries
3. Dealing with conflict vs.
dealing with bullies
4. Asking for what you need
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
25. Intervene immediately.
Thank them for trusting you.
Be a good listener.
Let them know it’s not their fault.
Make sure everyone is safe.
Meet any immediate medical or mental health needs.
Stay calm.
Validate your child’s feelings.
Reassure the kids involved, including bystanders.
Ask your child what he or she needs to feel safe.
Model respectful behavior when you intervene or talk to
the school.
Report the bullying to school personnel. (They need to
know the facts otherwise they can’t do anything to
help)
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
26. Don’t ignore it.
Don’t think kids can work out bullying without adult help.
Don’t immediately try to sort out the facts or rush to
solve the problem for them.
Don’t force other kids to say publicly what they saw.
Don’t question the children involved in front of other
kids.
Don’t talk to the kids involved together, only separately.
Don’t make the kids involved apologize or patch up
relations on the spot.
Don’t talk to the parents of the bully
Don’t accuse the teacher of failing to do her job (even if
you feel like that)
Don’t confront the bully or the bully’s parents alone. Get
the school involved first.
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
27. Tattling: If it will only get another child in
trouble, don’t tell me.
Telling: If it will get you or another child out
of trouble, tell me.
If it is both I need to know… this is a tool to
help them discern what to tell, no matter
what kind of situation they are facing.
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
28. Listen& focus on your child.
Learn what’s been going on and show you want
to help. (If you are doing this can decide what
plan of action is necessary)
If after talk you find out it is bullying assure your
son or daughter that bullying is not their fault.
Make sure that he or she knows what the
problem behavior is
(threatening, excluding, blackmail).
Know that kids who are bullied may struggle with
talking about it. It may take multiple
conversations.
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
29. Role-playing and thinking through how the
child might react if the bullying occurs
again in the future this helps prepare them.
It may help to: Ask your child what can be
done to make him or her feel more safe? Or
what do they want to have happen?
Remember that changes to routine should
be minimized.
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
30. Your child, the school or organization and
possibly the bully’s parents may all need to
get involved in order to obtain valuable
input to solve the problem.
Consider referring them to a school
counselor, psychologist, or other mental
health services. They may feel ashamed to
tell you because they are embarrassed.
Give advice about what to do, problem
solve and talk through it, don’t tell them
out to do.
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
31. Because it’s not your son or daughter’s fault and they should not be
singled out .
If bigger moves are necessary, such as switching classrooms or bus
routes, the child who is bullied should not be forced to change but
instead the bully.
Develop a game plan with your child and the school first.
Maintain open communication between schools, organizations, and
parents.
Discuss the steps that are taken and the limitations around what can be
done based on policies and laws, schools can’t do it all.
Remember, the law does not allow school personnel to discuss
discipline, consequences, or services given to other children.
Be persistent.
Bullying may not end overnight.
Commit to making it stop and consistently supporting your child.
If all else fails, the school will likely call the bully’s parents, which keeps
you out of it.
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
32. 1. Having a strong sense of self
2. Being a good friend
3. Having at least one friend who is there for
you through thick and thin
4. Being able to successfully get into a group
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
33. Never tell the child to ignore the bullying if you have
determined it is bullying behavior going on.
Even if he or she provoked the bullying, no one deserves
to be bullied.
Do not tell the child to physically fight back against the kid
who is bullying.
Fighting back could get your child hurt, suspended, or
expelled.
Parents should resist the urge to contact the other parents
involved until all other options have been exhausted.
It may make matters worse, if it is happening at school, or
on the bus, school should be notified first.
School or other officials can act as mediators between
parents if that becomes necessary.
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
34. Books:
The Everything Parent’s Guide to Dealing
with Bullies by Deborah Carpenter
The Bully, The Bullied and The Bystander by
Barbara Coloroso
Speak Up and Get Along!: Learn the Mighty
Might, Thought Chop, and More Tools to
Make Friends, Stop Teasing, and Feel
Good About Yourself by Scott Cooper
The Bully Free Classroom by Allan, L PhD
10 Days to a Bully-Proof Child by
SherryllKraizer
Jenny Strom Fall 2012
The problem begins when it surpasses typical childhood conflict and meets the four markers for bullying: an imbalance of power, intent to harm, threat of future harm, and instilling fear which we will discuss multiple times today. The word conflict assumes that both kids are in part responsible for the current problem and need to work it out. In the process of working it out, both kids make compromises and the conflict is resolved. But bullying is not conflict – it is a form of aggressive victimization where one child is the perpetrator and the other is the victim. Forcing the victim to engage in conflict resolution or mediation with his or her bully is neither fair nor recommended. The responsibility for resolving the bullying lies squarely on the bully. The bully can be told your behavior is unacceptable and it will not be tolerated. The child who is bullied should be told, no one deserves to be bullied. Every effort will be made to stop it. Making the survivor feel safe should be top priority!!!! When kids are in flight or fight mode it is very difficult to learn and process what is happening around them at school and at home, especially when the bullying sometimes continues at home through cyber bullying – then they can’t get away from it.
Threats of violenceChild pornography or sending sexually explicit messages or photosTaking a photo or video of someone in a place where he or she would expect privacyStalking and hate crimes
Though
39 % in person is still the largest percentage10 % by phone14 % via text message17 % online10 % some other wayMost bullying is still being experienced in-person (21% are bullied exclusively in this way) Internet victimization does not appear to be increasing, but text message victimization seems to be… so what these stats to mean is that prevention is key.
Get passwords for all devices, explain that nothing is private and help them develop an internal locus of control because once it is out in the internet universe anything can happen. Encourage them to be aware friends, their parents, school officials, and other community members may be watching. Reporting Cyberbullying:Cyberbullying often violates the terms of service established by social media sites and internet service providers.Review their terms and conditions or rights and responsibilities sections. These describe content that is or is not appropriate.Visit social media safety centers to learn how to block users and change settings to control who can contact you.Report cyberbullying to the social media site so they can take action against users abusing the terms of service.
Recent playground stats show that when a child is bullied, 85% of the time no on intervenes. This suggests that most school bullying continues to be carried out under the radar of teachers and school personnel because they can’t be everywhere at once. A Kaiser Family Foundation study confirmed this when 71% of the teachers reported that they intervened often or almost always whereas only 23% of the children agreed. Bullying tends to happen between classes, on the bus, on the play ground, on the internet, in the locker room, or even in some cases through outside exclusion of activities which we will discuss shortly.
If you don’t pull down Mikey’s pants you can’t play kick ball with us every again.10 girls are invited to a birthday party but only 7 are allowed to sleep over after the activity and the others go home.Your gay so you can’t be in our group.
Here are some suggestions as to how to help your child combat psychological and verbal bullying to talk about before they come home telling you this has happened. They're also good tips for your children to share with friends as a way to show their support
Use a joke, make fun of yourselfBe yourselfBe confidentUse the voice you were givenUse I statements such as: “Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Some adults believe that bullying is a part of growing up (even that it is character building) and that hitting back is the only way to tackle the problem. But that's not the case. Aggressive responses tend to lead to more violence and more bullying for the victims.Role-play with your children what to say when someone is teasing or bullying them is a powerful way to help them feel prepared and in control.
Exercise is one way to feel strong and powerful, given the bully epidemic martial arts has exploded in the US. But it is more than just about protecting yourself it is about self-esteem, respect, discipline, taking responsibility and the like. So, martial arts, yoga, Rugby, soccer, cross country, basketball, baseball, gymnastics, dance, and other athletics are great outlets and team builders. Another way to gain confidence is to hone their skills in something like chess, art, music, computers, new hobbies or writing. Sign them up for a classes, clubs, or a gym because it’s a great way to make new friends and feel good about yourself. The confidence they gain will help them ignore the mean kids or pressure to bully.
Get to know your friend’s parent early on – despite how much time and effort it takes, it avoids problems later because you have already set up the expectation that you will get to know their parents. It also may help you direct your son or daughter early on for example: They are in second grade after school and want to have a friend over and you have vibes from different parents and kids in the class then you say ok, would you like to have Steve or Kenny over? That way you are not telling them Kevin can’t come over, but directing them to pick from two children who you know, feel are safe and grounded and more likely to have a positive influence. The earlier you start the better.
Social skills go beyond the basics of P’s and Q’s and it is ironic on some level that you pay for violin lessons to help your children enhance their music skills through teaching and practice, but we often forget to teach our children the skills that are very important for leading a life filled with successful interpersonal relationships and emotional good health. But have no fear, social aptitude, like any other skill, can be studied, practiced and improved upon. It is an effort well worth making if it helps your child navigate through his or her world with some competence and confidence. Studies have linked social competence with better academic achievement, stronger friendships, and high self-esteem. And in later years, social competence can increase career and marital success. It is a win-win situation. 1. The ability to make friends (Play time allows them to practice and experiment with various kinds of relationships with different kinds of kids. The idea is that when kids play, they will learn how to interact effectively and will develop the skills necessary for making friends at every age. This doesn’t always work however, some kids need your help and guidance to develop the skills that may appear to come naturally to other kids. Talk about problem solving. If you hear another friend calling your child bossy or saying they always play what he wants to play help him better understand where that comes from and write list on a note card to go over each time he goes to a friends house or someone comes over. Such as remember to take turns deciding what to play, offer to help clean up, if you disagree about something that is ok, maybe ask an adult for help if your not sure what to do,
As your child begins to develop stronger social skills and more confidence, he or she will be ready to start asserting him or herself in uncomfortable situations. Many kids aren’t naturally assertive and need to be taught that it is not just ok to stand up for themselves, it is recommended and necessary in relationships. It is important for your child to be able to ask for help when he or she needs it. Many kids are unwilling to ask for help for a variety of reasons – they believe they wont receive it, they wont be believed, they feel like they should handle their problems on their own, etc. It is our job as parents to help them understand that there are times when everyone needs help – even us. Tell your child about a time where you had to ask for help and be sure to include how grateful you were to receive it. Many people struggle to say no. And kids have an even tougher time saying no, mainly b/c they are not taught that it is acceptable to do so. Your child should feel that he has the right to say no to a request that makes him uncomfortable. If your child does not wish to attend a certain party, he should be allowed to say, maybe next time. Or say no to tag if he does not feel like playing and feel secure saying so. Part of instilling a sense of personal power in your child is giving him the freedom to control the things he or she does and does not want to do. Let him or her make some decisions and they will gain the confidence to believe he or she can make the right and best decision for them. If we are always making decisions for them, it really can set them up for major struggles in the future to set their own boundaries and make their own decisions because they will not always be able to look to you.As your child’s confidence and self-esteem increase, they will be better equipped to deal with kids who try to bully him. Over time, as he practices his or her social skills, becomes more aware of his body language, improves his friendships-making skills, and improves his level of assertiveness, they will feel more competent dealing with aggressive kids who bully. As he or she tries to deflect bullying, help him try new strategies and devise new plans to deal with it. With your help (and a plan), he will no longer feel that he’s alone. You have been helping him for some time, and he will feel confident you will help guide him through this, as well. Make sure to clarify typical conflicts such as misunderstandings, difference of opinion, that there is more than one way to do something, that it is normal to disagree about sharing at times, or to be the bigger person and give up the last cookie – that’s being clear and concise with your language about bullying vs. having a conflict or disagreement. You can even label those things at home. If your older son is picking on your younger son call it that and talk about it as apposed to bullying him. If you are having a disagreement with your sister on the phone about Thanksgiving dinner take the opportunity after to day to your children your aunt and I see things differently and that is ok because we are different people and we worked it out and made a compromise.
1.An imbalance of power2.Intent to harm3.Threat of further harm 4.Instilling fear or terror
Unfortunately ignoring it will not make it go away and thinking this is part of growing up feeds this problem. If you child knows what bullying is and comes to you saying he or she has been repeatedly harassed at school and talks about what happened, you know your child best. If it sounds like it has the markers of bullying don’t wait. If it sounds like a fight with a friend and there is a balance of power, take apart the situation and really talk to you children about the difference. That way you are not ignoring their feelings or what is happening to them either way. Don’t talk to the parents of the bully:(unless you know the parents well and are sure they would respond in a constructive manner, it’s best to let the school deal with the parents of the bully at first)Don’t accuse the teacher of failing to do her job: (you need the school’s involvement, a teacher may be defensive at first and they may feel like you are questioning her adequacy as a teacher or her level of supervision. Give her the benefit of the doubt and keep an open mind by working together with her protect your child. A significant amount of bullying happens when children are the least supervised in school.) Instead of talking to the bullies parents, enlist the help of the school counselor to confer with you and your child and then with the bully and the bully’s parents to problem solve because the bully’s parents tend to be defensive and refuse to believe it, minimize it, or point figures. The third party helps buffer and since the bullying is happening at school, the school needs to be brought on board so research and the latest bullying programs advocate you start with the school in order to have the best results and least harmful affects on your child.
From an early age children hear, don’t tattle, don’t snitch, rat, squeal and then later we ask, “why didn’t you tell me?” These words can entrench children in the deeply embedded code of silence. What is lost in this code is the immorality of that silence in the face of malice. We need to let them know there are some things we need to tell.Use everyday events as opportunities to practice, you can start teaching 4 year olds the difference between telling and tattling. “James is sucking his thumb again.” (Telling me to get your brother in trouble- which do you think that is? don’t tell.” “James’s front tooth fell out, and his mouth is all bloody.” (telling me can get him out of trouble-tell) “James’s front tooth fell out when he was sucking his thumb, and his mouth is bloody.” (It’s both – I need to know) “If Johnny knocked Jeff off the swing and called him an ugly name, tell me I need to know.” “If Susie is telling all the girls in 5th grade to exclude the new girl to see if she can survive, tell me, I need to know that can get her out of a troubling situation.”If this distinction is taught to children when they are younger, it can pay off in the teen years. Adolescents will understand that it is not tattling, snitching, ratting, or squealing to tell you that their friend who has been tormented by peers is giving his possessions away and saying subtle good-byes to classmates because telling may help him out of the mess he is in; not telling could be life-threatening. If a friend is going to bring a weapon to school, it could get him in trouble to tell, but it can also get him and others out of a dangerous situation. Your child tells you that Julie challenged Meghan to pull her pants down on the playground or risking permanently being out casted from the group is a matter of getting someone in trouble and someone out of trouble. This way your child has learned the tool, will she use it, we wont know, but we know having the tool will help increase her likelihood of telling.
1st one:For example, consider talking to their teacher about rearranging the classroom or bus seating plans for everyone so it is not apparent your child is the “bullied” kid. When faced with the proof you child is being bullied, there are several stops you should take. Be Sure your child is safeReport the incidentAsk to be updated on the resolutionMove up the chain of commandFile a formal complaintGet Legal advice if necessary
Pierce talked about the 5 personality factors that seemed to protect kids from becoming increasingly victimized are: 1. Friendliness 2. Willingness to share 3. Willingness to cooperate 4. Skill in joining the play of other children and 5. Possessing a sense of humor – all of these are critical to the four Antidotes of bullying.It is important for children to see themselves as capable, competent, cooperative, responsible, resourceful, and resilient, not only are they less likely to be cruel and combative bullies, they are more likely to be able to effectively fend off an attack by one. Now to say that if they use their bully-proofing skills, a bully won’t target them is impossible. The reality is that the better your children feel about themselves, the less likely they are to succumb to the tactics of a bully should one be so foolish enough to target them. “I am a decent, caring, responsible person. I didn’t ask for this. I don’t deserve this. The bully made a mistake, is obviously having a lousy day, and is trying to get his needs met in a mean way.” (Promotes positive self-talk, accurate reflection of the situation, and sees the bullying as coming from outside therefore, not something to beat themselves up over and internalize.) Good messages, “if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it.”“Remember you can’t take back things once you have said them, especially online, so stop and think before you post something.”
