The only time Joe felt loveable and worthy was when he was sexual with boys. Handsome and well-educated, he said once the abuse came out, he felt like a monster and feared becoming "Bubba's Bitch" in prison. Joe’s story shows the powerful meanings that sex with boys has for him. Joe needs deep, long-term therapy and should never again be alone with children. The same is true for almost all persons who have abused children sexually. While persons who molest children may be charming and presentable, we cannot be fooled. Our job is to protect children and to make sure that people like Joe have opportunities to show some backbone and deal with the issues that lead them to sexually abuse children. I interviewed Joe as part of a study whose purpose is to understand men who sexually abuse children and to use that information for the protection of children. Finally, actions speak louder than words. What persons who have perpetrated say has little meaning until their actions over many years in many different situations show that maybe they do want to control their behaviors and maybe they actually do.

1. Becoming Bubba’s Bitch & Other Fears:
One Man’s Story about Sexually Abusing Boys
By Jane Gilgun
The only time Joe felt loveable and worthy was when he was sexual with boys. Handsome
and well-educated, he said once the abuse came out, he felt like a monster and feared becoming
"Bubba's Bitch" in prison. Joe’s story shows the powerful meanings that sex with boys has for
him. Joe needs deep, long-term therapy and should never again be alone with children. The
same is true for almost all persons who have abused children sexually. While persons who
molest children may be charming and presentable, we cannot be fooled. Our job is to protect
children and to make sure that people like Joe have opportunities to show some backbone and
deal with the issues that lead them to sexually abuse children. I interviewed Joe as part of a
study whose purpose is to understand men who sexually abuse children and to use that
information for the protection of children.
Finally, actions speak louder than words. What persons who have perpetrated say has
little meaning until their actions over many years in many different situations show that maybe
they do want to control their behaviors and maybe they actually do.
About the Author
Jane F Gilgun, Ph.D., LICSW, is a writer and professor, School of Social Work,
University of Minnesota, Twin Cities, USA. See Professor Gilgun’s other articles, books, &
children’s stories on Kindle, iBooks, & scribd.com.
I wrote this article in response to Bishop Robert Finn of Kansas City, Missouri USA,
who in the year 2011 did nothing for five months after a computer technician gave him
photos of girls’ genitals that the technicians had found on a priest’s computer. I have to
assume the bishop is a man of good will. He did not understand child sexual abuse. He gave
this priest unsupervised access to children for five months after he knew of the priest’s
sexual interest in children. This article is an attempt to educate the bishop and others like
him.

2. Becoming Bubba’s Bitch& Other Fears:
One Man’s Story about Sexually Abusing Boys
Joe is 25 year-old college-educated man who sexually abused about 10 boys from the
time he was six years old. Handsome and athletic with many friends, Joe does not fit the
stereotype of child molesters. In this story, he shares his experiences of the abuse he committed.
He said sex with boys was the only time he felt good. He also said he suppressed any concerns
about his behaviors as wrong and hurtful. When a therapist reported the abuse to the sheriff, he
feared prison and becoming “Bubba’s bitch.”
While Joe’s story is not unusual, it is important to know that many perpetrators of child
sexual abuse do want to stop. They don’t want to stop because they enjoy it. Joe represents men
who abuse and who appear to want to stop. It’s not clear whether Joe really wanted to stop and
whether he really was glad that a therapist reported him.
The only way to tell the difference between those who truly want to stop and those who
don’t is to observe their actions over time in many different situations. Any persons who truly
want to change require in-depth and long-term therapy. They have to wrestle with the issues that
played into their abusive behaviors, which they usually experience as uplifting pleasure and often
love. They have to experience the deep, seemingly endless inner burning associated with deep
change. They require incredible internal resources and many other people who understand and
who help them manage their behaviors.
Persons who have perpetrated are always at risk to do it again, now matter how deep the
burning and the change. Most persons who have perpetrated against children should never be
alone with children again, especially perpetrators who are part of institutions such as religious
organization.
Joe’s Story in his Own Words
Joe told his roommate Liz that he had been sexual with one of his sixth grade male
students. He said he felt guilty and ashamed. Liz and Joe agreed they would not report the abuse
to the police. Liz was so upset she contacted a therapist to talk things over. She didn’t realize
that the therapist had to report the abuse. That is the law. This is how Joe told the story once the
therapist contacted the sheriff.
The county sheriff's office contacted me. They didn’t subpoena me. They didn’t arrest
me. They called me up and asked me if I would be willing to come down to be interviewed. I
talked to my therapist. He said, “Don’t tell them. I would advise you not to tell them anything
because you could end up going to jail and it could…” [Joe did not say how the therapist ended
his sentence.] I said, “I have to.” That was probably one of the last times I saw him. [This
therapist had broken the law about reporting abuse.] After that I decided this is not, he’s not
helping me.
So I went down and was interviewed by the sheriff. I told him everything. After that
happened, he looked at me and said, “You know had you come in here today and said nothing
you’d be a free man because the kid came in, and he denied everything.”

3. That, to me was the final nail, or the final dig in everything. It was like, this kid is so
embarrassed that he couldn’t’ even talk about it. Here I’ve just blown his anonymity and his
denial. Yet again I’ve hurt the kid.
Ultimately I think, probably, it was, you know, it was obviously a good thing. It needed
to happen. So I went through judicial system. I ended up incarcerated in the county jail with
work release two years after I got reported. Part of my stay of execution was successful
completion of the treatment program. The treatment program that somehow either was listed or
ended up being just the one they said, “Go here,” was an outpatient treatment program.
Monster
I hated everything about myself. I thought I was a monster. I knew, I didn’t think, I knew
I was a monster. I knew that I was engaging in behaviors that I wanted to stop and couldn’t stop.
That there was just no way because I kept saying, “I won’t do this again,” and I kept doing it
again. It was a constant, (3 sec) constant thoughts, constant, in my head, constant, first thing I
think of when I wake up, last thing I think about before I go to sleep. It consumed me.
I needed relief from that. Not even the fact of I’m hurting other people, and I feel bad and
guilty about that. Just the constant lack of control on my own part, I needed relief from, first and
foremost. I knew it was eventually going to get me in lots of trouble.
There was the fact that I’m hurting people. This is wrong. I’m feeling guilty and
embarrassed and ashamed for all these things, as well, but I think superseded by that was the
whole, just, I can’t, this is, this has complete control over me.
Meanings of the Sexual Abuse
The only place I found relief was in the act. The rest of the time I felt unworthy,
unlovable, heinous. I mean, you know, when I could get a young male to be sexual with me, and
not even, we didn’t even have to get to that point, but when I was being shown affection from a
young male, wrestling, hugs, doing things together, intimate, intimately. Then I felt loveable. I
felt worthy. I felt all of these things that I didn’t feel the rest of my life. The ultimate act of that is
sex. There was sex. It was always leading to sex.
Even if it never got there with every child with whom I interacted, it was always leading
that way….[Question: How long did the good feelings last?] I want to say probably a week or so.
It probably would’ve gotten shorter and shorter had I continued on.
When I was 20 and molesting the twelve year old, it was weekly….That I could use
euphoric recall and things like that to keep the feelings going. With another boy, it was two
times.
What Parents Need to Know
I think this is paramount for parents to know. Typically my pattern, and I think is true of
many of us who sexually offend against children. Broken families are just, even if they’re not
divorced or separated, a family with internal trouble is noticeable from a mile away. A kid like

4. that just is a beacon because they need attention. They need affection. Even to this day, I could
walk in the mall and probably point out and say, “That kid has trouble at home. That kid, that
kid, that kid.” I guarantee if you asked, I would be right nine out of nine times, probably. There’s
just something about those kids that they need. They’re not getting at home that a person who is
looking to exploit that for their own needs, can identify.
[Question: Did you think you were exploiting that kid?] Oh, God, no. I thought I was
being a friend. I was being a big brother. That’s how I framed it, not only to myself, but to the
kid and to the kid’s family.[Question: So when you saw a kid who like that you were flooded
with empathy?] It was very easy to be, to feel that way because of my own unhappy childhood.
It was easy to look at the kid and go, “Oh, you’re going through tough times. You just
need somebody there.” Like I wish I had had somebody there, not sexually maybe, but I wish I
had had somebody there to care for me. Yeah, it was very easy to, to feel empathetic towards the
child for that reason.
Sexual History
I’ve been sexual since I was in kindergarten, always with other boys. I think my first
sexual experience may have been the little neighbor girl. I think, I mean, I remember sexual, not
intercourse, but sexual behavior with her. I think she was probably the first sexual contact I had.
She had older brothers. I’m sure she initiated, because I was the oldest in my family, and I was
three years older than my younger sibling.
I don’t know where I would’ve gotten it otherwise because I wasn’t abused or molested
or anything as a child that I recall. I’ve sought for that memory. I’m like, “Please, let this be the
easy answer,” and no, it’s not. So, after that experience, all of my others growing up were always
other boys.
Until around the age of eleven, and my victims almost always were age eleven, and
again, to this day, at the mall, eleven, eleven, eleven. I’m never wrong…. For me, growing up,
the only time I ever felt acceptable or good was when I was being sexual with other kids, with
other boys. The boys that my father would’ve approved of as a son, because I wasn’t that son.
The only time I felt worthy. The only time I felt acceptable or loveable was when I could
be sexually intimate with somebody because that felt good.
I became a sex addict at age five. Eventually it turned into sexually offending because as
I got older the age of my fixation did not continue to mature with me. The only time I felt good
about myself was when I was being sexual, and I sought out opportunities to do so….Had things
gone differently, I probably, I would’ve continued to be a sex addict, I’m sure.
Knew it was Wrong
Based on my experiences in treatment and just other people and sex addicts anonymous, I
would challenge anybody who said that they didn’t know that it was wrong or didn’t have the
awareness that something was wrong. I don’t believe that. I had to suppress things all the time in
order to do what I did. Suppress the belief that I could get caught. Suppress the fact that I was

5. going, knowingly going to be doing something that could hurt somebody emotionally at a later
point. I just suppressed things all the time….
I thought it wasn’t a big deal. Another boy I acted out on… he was clearly not okay with
it after it happened. It was a one time event. It was just touching. He got very nervous after it
happened and left very abruptly and then the next times that I would ever see him. We lived in
the same apartment complex. When I would see him he would, he was very fearful-faced
towards me. So it wasn’t as easy to keep the illusion that it’s not a big deal,
Bubba’s Bitch
In the quietest, darkest moments at night, when I was scared and alone, prison was what I
was afraid of and, along with that, public humiliation, family name tarnished, all that goes with
that, ultimately, prison and being, if you’ll forgive this, Bubba’s bitch, becoming a victim, a
sexual victim, in prison….I was young and cute.
[What else did you think would lose?] My freedom. (4 sec) And that was really about it,
at that point. The, and I wasn’t even free then.
[What about your sex life with boys?] I didn’t, I didn’t want to do that, either. I didn’t
want to give it up. Part of me didn’t want to give it up. Part of me did, part of me didn’t.
Discussion
Joe’s story tells us a lot about persons who sexually abuse children. First, it is one of the
most meaningful if not the most meaningful part of their lives. Second, Joe knew it was wrong
and many others do, too, but the push thoughts of it being wrong out of their minds. Some
persons I have interviewed do not think it is wrong.
Third, Joe claimed he chose children he believed were vulnerable. Many child molesters
pride themselves on being able to pick a victim out of a crowd. What they don’t seem to realize
that any child is vulnerable when in the presence of persons who want to sexually abuse them.
Children think they are supposed to obey adults and are afraid of what will happen to them if
they don’t.
On the other hand, it’s a good rule only to allow people you have known for years to be
alone with your children. Often it is the behavior of perpetrators that are the signs of sexual
abuse. They seek time alone with the children, they give them gifts, and the children don’t talk in
detail about what they did with the people who abuse them. Furthermore, Joe’s story and many
of the other stories I’ve heard show how important it is for children to have a good sex education
and to have people in their lives whom they know they can trust and who will not over-react
when something is not right.
Fourth, persons who abused children sexually require long-term, intensive therapy, often
years and then after that, for the rest of their lives, intensive support systems of persons who
know them well and who are willing to help monitor their behavior and encourage them to take
care of any difficult emotions they may experience.

6. Fifth, most perpetrators, including clergy and teachers who abuse, must never again have
access to children. They must never again be alone with children.
Finally, actions speak louder than words. In some ways, what persons who have
perpetrated say has little meaning until their actions over many years in many different situations
show that maybe they have more desire to control their behaviors and maybe they actually do.
References
Gilgun, Jane F. (2010). Child sexual abuse: From harsh realities to hope.
http://www.scribd.com/doc/16484981/Child-Sexual-Abuse-From-Harsh-Realities-to-Hope or
Gilgun, Jane F. (2010). Evil feels good: Think before you act. On Scribd.com at
http://www.scribd.com/doc/38489251/Evil-Feels-Good-Think-Before-You-Act or
http://www.amazon.com/Evil-Feels-Good-Before-ebook/dp/B004A8ZTZO/ref=sr_1_51?
s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1313807552&sr=1-51
Gilgun, Jane F. (2011). It’s Time for the Roman Catholic Church to show the world what
penitence is. http://www.scribd.com/doc/54787575/It-s-Time-for-the-Roman-Catholic-Church-
to-Show-the-World-What-Penitence-is
Gilgun, Jane F. (2011). Perfect: The bishop has no shame. On scribd.com at
http://www.scribd.com/doc/53136862/Perfect-The-Bishop-Has-no-Shame or on Amazon at
http://www.amazon.com/Perfect-Bishop-Violence-Change-
ebook/dp/B004WT7FYY/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1313839875&sr=1-1
Gilgun, Jane F. (2011). Remove priests immediately: What was the bishop thinking?
http://www.scribd.com/doc/62719870/Remove-Offending-Priests-Immediately-What-Was-the-
Bishop-Thinking
Gilgun, Jane F. (2010). Survivors of priest abuse told for 50 years: No one listened. On
scribd.com at http://www.scribd.com/doc/29020383/Survivors-of-Priest-Abuse-Told-for-50-
Years-No-One-Listened or http://www.amazon.com/Survivors-Priest-Abuse-Years-
ebook/dp/B003E7FWB8/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1313809506&sr=1-1
Gilgun, Jane F. (2010). What child sexual abuse means to abusers. On scribd. com at
http://www.scribd.com/doc/26614189/What-Child-Sexual-Abuse-Means-to-Abusers and at
Amazon http://www.amazon.com/Child-Sexual-Abuse-Abusers-
ebook/dp/B001W0Y5AI/ref=sr_1_15?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1313807404&sr=1-15
Gilgun, Jane F. (2011). What makes the difference? The link between being abused and
being abusive. http://www.scribd.com/doc/61858869/What-Makes-the-Difference-The-Link-
Between-Being-Abused-Becoming-Abusive
Gilgun, Jane F. (2010). What child sexual abuse means to child survivors. On scribd.com
at http://www.scribd.com/doc/16422436/What-Child-Sexual-Abuse-Means-to-Child-Survivors
and Amazon at http://www.amazon.com/Child-Sexual-Abuse-Survivors-ebook/dp/B0026ICOUI/
ref=sr_1_3?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1313840547&sr=1-3

7. Goodstein, Laurie (2011). Bishop in Missouri waited months to report priest, stirring
parishioners’ rage. New York Times, August 15, p. A11.