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By Debra Waters July 16, 2013
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Is One The New Two?
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Iwas still pregnant with No.1 when
people asked me if I was going to have an-
other child. Overawed by impending moth-
erhood, I vaguely replied that was the “the
plan”.
Two years on and it’s the question du jour.
My son is now a toddler and I’m frequently
asked where No. 2 is. Some people seem so
alarmed by a sole child they look around as
if I’ve accidentally lost one.
Most of my friends ask because they’re in-
terested in my life and I love them for that.
But I’ve had more loaded remarks, ranging
from the slightly nervous: “But you ARE
you going to have another, aren’t you?” to the eyewateringly tactless: “You’re nearly 40, best
get a move on!”
The thing is I JUST DON’T KNOW. Everyday I’m torn. The
decision to try for a second is proving much harder than
choosing to become a parent at all. I’m the younger of two
girls and close to my sister, so I’ve had a positive sibling
experience.
When I was growing up, I worried for my only child friends
who didn’t have that moral support (though that ‘support’
sometimes amounted to my sister pinning me down and
threatening to spit on my head).
I always thought I’d have a second; I just presumed that’s what you did.
I have reasons to hesitate:
1. I’m often exhausted. It may be a dodgy thyroid or it could be my natural energy levels are
lower than some women’s.
2. We need more space, and we’ll feel the pinch financially buying that space.
3. My husband works long hours, so while he’s hands on, he’s often not at home.
4. We could possibly afford private school for one; this would be nigh impossible for two or
more.
5. After months of juggling I’ve found a work-life balance, which I’m reluctant to disrupt.
6. I’m anxious whether I’ll cope.
One reason for not having a second child I can handle, but these six fill me with dread.
Yet the urge is there, a longing that niggles (especially – and this is no coincidence – around
ovulation time). So what if the first few years are a struggle? It gets easier. So what if we’re
skint? Millions of parents are. So what if a private education is off the agenda? I went to a
state school and on to respectable further education.
So I play second child volleyball with myself. The pros of one: more freedom; more money;
more time to self, are as appealing as the pros of two or more: siblings for my son; another
child to love; a ‘completed’ family.
One thing I don’t do is judge other people’s parenting choices. I may have done that a teeny
bit pre-motherhood, but I didn’t get why parents couldn’t control their kids in the supermar-
ket until I’d walked a mile in their shoes (and a slow journey that is, with a toddler trailing
behind you, taking all the soup tins off the shelf).
Nearly half of UK families have one child now. American writer Lauren Sandler faced vitriol-
ic feedback when she extolled the virtues of the one child family in her book: One and Only –
the Freedom of Having an Only Child and the Joy of Being One. It may be readers found her
claim that single child families are happier as smug – it’s not what you say, after all, but how
you say it.
What unsettles me about motherhood is how camaraderie can turn to condemnation when
parenting styles don’t align. Fortunately, this is more unusual than it is usual, but it happens.
How does having an only child make you a lesser parent?
How can someone comment that it’s a selfish act to have one child without knowing the reas-
ons? A parent could be ill; have a poor relationship with their own siblings; there could be
secondary infertility; or a shortage of extra help. There are myriad possible motives.
I learn a lot from many of the mums and dads I know, and love being part of a world where
there’s an acknowledgment about the highs and lows of parenthood. Whenever I feel an
opinion creeping in I swat it aside and hope others do the same. We’re all on the same jour-
ney, even if we take alternative routes.
Still thinking about a second pregnancy? Read more about planning for another child here.
Read more in Word of Mum.
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About The Author
Debra Waters
Debra Waters is a London-
based lifestyle writer and
editor, and mum to a
spirited toddler.
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