The grief suffered upon the breakdown of a marriage or significant relationship is on par with the grief we experience upon the death of our loved ones. In this workshop Family Lawyer, Clarissa Rayward teams up with Provisional Psychologist, Sophie Jordan, to discuss how you can best help yourself after separation and divorce.

2. A bit about me!
Clarissa Rayward
Director Brisbane Family Law Centre
Accredited Family Law Specialist
Mediator & Collaborative Family Lawyer
Also known as “The Happy Family Lawyer”
www.thehappyfamilylawyer.com

3. Today we
are joined by-
Sophie Jordan
Intern Psychologist
Brisbane Family Law Centre

4. How will this work?
• Please ask questions
• This is general information
and remember you should
obtain advice specific to
your family

5. What are we going to cover?
Self care after separation
Grief and Loss
What can you do while grieving?
What helps immediately following
separation?
Life After Grief
Re-examine and re-structure
Supporting Children Through Grief
Warning Signs of Depression

6. Grief and Loss
Likely to feel loss of
• The relationship & companionship
• Finances and sense of financial
security
• Time with children
• A component of your identity
• Your anticipated future

7. Stages of Grief
1. Disbelief (or shock) – feeling confused, numb,
overwhelmed
2. Anger – towards self, ex-partner, others, God/the
universe
3. Sadness – sense of loss.
4. Bargaining (self-blame) – I would’ve, should’ve,
could’ve
5. Re-integration – feeling healed, less emotional
pain
Think of grief as not just a process within itself, but
also a means to an end, which is re-integration

8. What can you do while grieving
• Your feelings are normal and valid
• Allow yourself to feel emotions and don’t
try to bypass grief
• Wanting to bypass grief is normal
• Tips for accessing grief and feeling
emotions
-Being brave in baby-steps
-Being kind and self-compassionate
• Respite from grief

9. Being brave in baby steps
• Allocate a time of day (of any length)
• Have a space that’s quiet, away from children,
with no distractions, where you feel safe
• In this time period & this space give yourself
permission to feel emotions without
boundaries or judgment
- journaling, controlled breathing
• When time is up, move back to your activities
• Each time, increase the time length.
• Recognise that it’s brave to let yourself feel
grief

10. Kindness & Self Compassion
• Being hard on yourself doesn’t work
• Trying to push against grief or push
through grief doesn’t work
• Being kind to yourself does work
• Practice self-compassion – speaking to
yourself the way you would speak to
your best friend
• Allocate self-time to relax once a day

11. Respite from Grief
• Grief isn’t a structured process
• You’ll have mini periods of “grief
amnesia” – being happy and grief isn’t
apparent
• Respite is normal, healthy and important
• You will snap back into grief – re-shock
• Respite is the mechanism that lessens
grief and moves you into re-integration

12. How to use Respite
Ask yourself -
• What are you doing?
• Why do you enjoy what you’re doing?
• Who are you with?
• How strong was your grief (or negative
emotions) when you snapped back into grief?
– scale of 1 to 10
• How can you increase opportunities for
respite?
If you never experience respite consider talking
to a counsellor, psychologist or GP

13. What Helps Immediately After Separation
• Seek support
• Minimise Stress and
unhelpful behaviour
• Cope with anxiety

14. Social Support
• Online support groups
• Enlist a confidant
• Concrete and emotional support
• Build your friendship network
• Parenting support – Triple P, 123
Magic, child psychologist

15. Minimising Stress, Unhelpful
Behaviours & Helpful Behaviours
Stress -
• Change as little as possible
• Work out short term living and child contact
arrangements
• Get into a routine
Unhelpful Behaviours -
• Avoid alcohol and drugs
• Avoid Facebook and social networking
Helpful Behaviours -
• Sleep, eating and exercise

16. Cope with Anxiety
about the Future
• The unknown is frightening and creates
anxiety
• People generally try to escape anxiety
• Trying to escape leads to avoidance or
increased anxiety
• Learn to “sit with anxiety” – build a
tolerance
- Make up a catch phrase
• Brainstorm all possible futures

17. Life after Grief
• Be completely honest with yourself
• Re-examine your relationships
• Re-examine your values and goals
- Goals, things you want to achieve
- Values, underlying principles or traits
that you consider important in life
- Your values will lead you to your goals
• Start re-structuring

18. Supporting children through grief
• Protect your children from your own
grief and conflict
• Give them time and space to grieve
• Be cautious and wise about
introducing a new partner
• Seek support for your children – make
sure they have someone to talk to

19. Warning signs of
depression
• Feeling helpless or hopeless
• Loss of interest in daily activities, previously
enjoyed activities or your ability to feel pleasure
• Appetite or weight changes
• Sleep changes
• Anger or irritability
• Concentration problems
• Loss of energy
• Self-loathing
• Reckless behaviour
http://www.helpguide.org

20. Sophie’s Top 5 Tips for Surviving Separation
1. Allow yourself to experience the grief
process and utilise respite
2. Avoid contact and conflict with your ex-partner
3. Give yourself time to re-examine and
re-structure before beginning a new
relationship
4. Protect your children from conflict and
understand their grief
5. Access social support and professional
support

21. Any Questions?

22. Wednesday 10 September
12.30pm

23. THANK YOU!