1. The Trouble with Time-Outs, Deborah
MacNamara, Ph.D.
Copyright 2008 Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. 1
Discipline: The Trouble with
Time-Outs and Separation
Based Discipline
Deborah MacNamara, PhD
Faculty, Neufeld Institute, Vancouver
Discipline: The Trouble with
Time-Outs and Separation
Based Discipline
Deborah MacNamara, PhD
Faculty, Neufeld Institute, Vancouver
Faculty/Presenter DisclosureFaculty/Presenter Disclosure
 Faculty: Deborah MacNamara, PhD
 Relationship with commercial interests:
- Faculty, Neufeld Institute,
Vancouver, BC
-The Neufeld Institute is a non-profit
organization that provides education
to parents and professionals on child
and adolescent development.
 Faculty: Deborah MacNamara, PhD
 Relationship with commercial interests:
- Faculty, Neufeld Institute,
Vancouver, BC
-The Neufeld Institute is a non-profit
organization that provides education
to parents and professionals on child
and adolescent development.

2. The Trouble with Time-Outs, Deborah
MacNamara, Ph.D.
Copyright 2008 Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. 2
Disclosure of Commercial
Support
Disclosure of Commercial
Support
 This program has not received any
financial support with the exception of
an honorarium offered by the
organizing committee.
 Potential for conflict(s) of interest:
Not applicable
 This program has not received any
financial support with the exception of
an honorarium offered by the
organizing committee.
 Potential for conflict(s) of interest:
Not applicable
Mitigating Potential BiasMitigating Potential Bias
 Supporting evidence/research provided
outside of the Neufeld Institute.
 Supporting evidence/research provided
outside of the Neufeld Institute.

3. The Trouble with Time-Outs, Deborah
MacNamara, Ph.D.
Copyright 2008 Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. 3
Discipline: The Trouble with
Time-Outs and Separation
Based Discipline
Deborah MacNamara, PhD
Faculty, Neufeld Institute, Vancouver
Discipline: The Trouble with
Time-Outs and Separation
Based Discipline
Deborah MacNamara, PhD
Faculty, Neufeld Institute, Vancouver
What is the
problem?

4. The Trouble with Time-Outs, Deborah
MacNamara, Ph.D.
Copyright 2008 Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. 4
Facing separation has
profound impact on our
emotions and
on our psychological
functioning.
The more immature a child
the more profound the
impact.
Facing separation has
profound impact on our
emotions and
on our psychological
functioning.
The more immature a child
the more profound the
impact.
• Based on behavioural principles, the intention
was to provide negative reinforcement to
extinguish troublesome behaviour.
• Typically practiced they involve some
separation, exclusion or isolation, can be both
physical or emotional dimensions too
• Based on behavioural principles, the intention
was to provide negative reinforcement to
extinguish troublesome behaviour.
• Typically practiced they involve some
separation, exclusion or isolation, can be both
physical or emotional dimensions too
What is a Time-Out?

5. The Trouble with Time-Outs, Deborah
MacNamara, Ph.D.
Copyright 2008 Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. 5
Examples of separation-based discipline:Examples of separation-based discipline:
The use of separation (imposed or threatened) to
bring the child into line.
• ignoring, silent treatment, cold shoulder, feigning leaving
• shunning, tough love, isolation, solitary confinement,
suspension
• 1-2-3 Magic, love withdrawal, ultimatums
• “can’t live here unless you behave,” I can’t be your friend
if you’re going to be like that,” You’re going to be the death
of me”
The use of separation (imposed or threatened) to
bring the child into line.
• ignoring, silent treatment, cold shoulder, feigning leaving
• shunning, tough love, isolation, solitary confinement,
suspension
• 1-2-3 Magic, love withdrawal, ultimatums
• “can’t live here unless you behave,” I can’t be your friend
if you’re going to be like that,” You’re going to be the death
of me”
•From an adult’s point of view it is seen as a
break in the game of life for the purpose of
addressing a problem
•From the child’s perspective it is seen as a
break in the relationship when you are in
trouble
•From an adult’s point of view it is seen as a
break in the game of life for the purpose of
addressing a problem
•From the child’s perspective it is seen as a
break in the relationship when you are in
trouble
What is a Time-Out?

6. The Trouble with Time-Outs, Deborah
MacNamara, Ph.D.
Copyright 2008 Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. 6
Typical arguments for time-outs:Typical arguments for time-outs:
• Extinguishes the undesirable behaviour
• Calms the child down and leads to greater
self-control
• Causes self-reflection
• Safe and civilized alternative to spanking
or harsh reactions
• Extinguishes the undesirable behaviour
• Calms the child down and leads to greater
self-control
• Causes self-reflection
• Safe and civilized alternative to spanking
or harsh reactions
Why time-outs work when they do:Why time-outs work when they do:
… the threat or experience of separation from
those attached triggers a pursuit of proximity
Ie., pulls the attachment rug from under a
child, triggering instincts to restore the
relationship
… the threat or experience of separation from
those attached triggers a pursuit of proximity
Ie., pulls the attachment rug from under a
child, triggering instincts to restore the
relationship

7. The Trouble with Time-Outs, Deborah
MacNamara, Ph.D.
Copyright 2008 Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. 7
… if the attachment is sufficiently developed,
the pursuit of proximity will take the form of
an impulse to be good
… where the parents do not have a sufficient
attachment with the child, time-outs can
actually trigger an impulse to be bad
… if the attachment is sufficiently developed,
the pursuit of proximity will take the form of
an impulse to be good
… where the parents do not have a sufficient
attachment with the child, time-outs can
actually trigger an impulse to be bad
Why time-outs work when they do:Why time-outs work when they do:
The reason why time-outs work
is why we shouldn’t use them.
The reason why time-outs work
is why we shouldn’t use them.
• Separation is the ultimate weapon in the war
on undesirable behaviour
• Separation has the greatest impact of any
experience
• Separation is the ultimate weapon in the war
on undesirable behaviour
• Separation has the greatest impact of any
experience
It is rather fortuitous that children have such a
high need for affiliation, as we are able to withhold
until they come forth with social interest.
Alfred Adler

8. The Trouble with Time-Outs, Deborah
MacNamara, Ph.D.
Copyright 2008 Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. 8
Time-outs will NOT be a problem if the
child is able to preserve a sense of
connection with the adult during the
time-out.
Time-outs will NOT be a problem if the
child is able to preserve a sense of
connection with the adult during the
time-out.
a) Child is attached emotionally and feels
secure in this connection
b) the parent remains warm and friendly,
preserving this emotional connection during
the loss of physical proximity
a) Child is attached emotionally and feels
secure in this connection
b) the parent remains warm and friendly,
preserving this emotional connection during
the loss of physical proximity
The potential fallout of
separation-based disciplines:
The potential fallout of
separation-based disciplines:
1. Attachment problems
• Insecurity, defensive detachment, alarm
problems, alpha complex
1. Attachment problems
• Insecurity, defensive detachment, alarm
problems, alpha complex
2. Adaptation Problems
• Loss of tears leading to increasing rigidity, lack of
resilience, perseverating behaviour, failure to learn
from mistakes and aggression problems
2. Adaptation Problems
• Loss of tears leading to increasing rigidity, lack of
resilience, perseverating behaviour, failure to learn
from mistakes and aggression problems
3. Arrested Development
• Lack of a secure base from which to venture forth
leading to maturational delay.

9. The Trouble with Time-Outs, Deborah
MacNamara, Ph.D.
Copyright 2008 Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. 9
Supporting Evidence
Psychological
Gordon Neufeld (Neufeld Institute)
Alfie Kohn
Aletha Solter
Peter Haiman
Medical/Scientific
- Dhiraj Aggarwal (Psychiatry, Children’s Hospital E. Ont.)
- Allan Schore
- Bruce Perry
Organizations
- Child Care Licensing Regulations, BC, AB, SASK etc.
- Australia Association for Infant Mental Health, (Position
Paper 3: Time Out)
Principles of Safe Discipline
1. Discipline with the context of connection in mind, e.g.,
collect the child before directing.
2. Don’t try to make headway in the incident, instead try to
do no harm.
3. Don’t attempt to control the child, instead take charge of
the circumstances.

10. The Trouble with Time-Outs, Deborah
MacNamara, Ph.D.
Copyright 2008 Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. 10
Principles of Safe Discipline
4. If conveying the behaviour is not okay, convey that the
relationship still is.
5. Make a quick exit if needed and address the situation
later when emotional upset has diminished.
6. When addressing incidents, come alongside the
emotions leading to behaviour, helping them to express and
name internal states, suggesting a more civilized
presentation wherever appropriate.
Resources
Books
Hold Onto Your Kids (Neufeld and Mate)
Punished by Rewards (Kohn)
Discipline without Distress (Arnell)
Connected Parenting (Kolari)
Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids (Markham)
• Please note, not all of these adhere to the
developmental and relational principles based on the
Neufeld approach but are generally viewed as more
attachment based and developmentally friendly in nature
DVD or online course
Making Sense of Discipline (Neufeld Institute)

11. The Trouble with Time-Outs, Deborah
MacNamara, Ph.D.
Copyright 2008 Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. 11
What children need
most of all is right
relationships and
soft hearts.